Stay Dead!

A Tale of the Legion of Net.Heroes

What Has Gone Before:

The LNHHQ Front Lawn, during a villainous attack:

And over there, Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead Man. The hothead of our group. He was so angry at the world. Angry at a world that hates superheroes with incredibly long names. May he find peace in the afterlife.

(by Arthur Spitzer, Beige Midnight #9)

Two dead heroes had coffee as usual one morning in the Afterlife. Well, it was like coffee at least.

Ensign Bodybag asked, "You doing anything today?"

Cannon Fodder said, "Yeah. I'm due back for a big battle."

"Battle, huh? Guess I better get ready for new arrivals..."

Then a truckload of characters got dumped in front of them!

Cannon Fodder reacted first... "I guess the battle started without me."

Cannon Fodder had hopped in and out of the afterlife all the time. But Ensign Bodybag just stayed dead. He'd made the afterlife his home. So he asked the new arrivals, "Where you guys from this time?"

One spoke. "We're Team LNH-Subgroup-Designed-to-be-Mowed-Down-by-Mynabird-to-Show-What-an-Incredible-Bad-Ass-He-Is."

"Say no more... Welcome to the Afterlife. Yes, that's where you are now. I know the feeling. You can call me Ensign Bodybag."

"And I'm Cannon Fodder. Whatever you went through back there, you're with friends now. Stand easy, heroes. You can relax here as long as you like."

Ensign Bodybag continued. "We find it helps if you sound off." He pointed at the apparent commander of the arrivals. "You! Sound off!"

He said, "Uh... Comes-up-with-horrible-awful-names-for-LNH-subgroups Lad, Sir!"

"Say no more..." Ensign Bodybag pointed at a woman. "You?"

"I'm Her-Death-Would've-Been-More-Poignant-If-She-Had-Actually-Appeared-in-Something-Before-this-Issue Lass!" She pointed at a different new arrival. "He named me! Dr. Can-Beat-Any-Supervillain-Except-for-Mynabird!"

"Rest easy, soldier. We pick our own names here."

"Then why are you Cannon Fodder Lad?"

"No, I'm Ensign Bodybag. He's Cannon Fodder. Not Cannon Fodder Lad. Just Cannon Fodder."

The first guy (call him Horrible Name Lad, Ensign Bodybag thought) said, "Wow! The Cannon Fodder? I love your early work! But why'd you call yourself that?"

Ensign Bodybag answered for Cannon Fodder. "We called ourselves what we did, because that's what we really were. When we admitted it, we felt a lot better about how we got here. But anyway..." Ensign Bodybag pointed at the next man in line. "Sound off!"

Then the sky of the Afterlife cracked open. A man-like figure came down - on a bicycle, along a magic trapeze wire that suddenly appeared. He wore red tights and a gray cloak.

Ensign Bodybag said to the new arrivals, "Just stay quiet." Then he said to the cloaked figure, "Hey! Don't Stay Dead Man! You come for Cannon Fodder?"

Don't Stay Dead Man pointed - at the next new arrival, who'd been afraid to sound off.

"Hey! Whatsyername! You're lucky! You got your ticket back to real life!" The man perked up as Don't Stay Dead Man came for him.

But then Don't Stay Dead Man pulled a cardboard box with a spout from under his cloak. Ensign Bodybag's keen vision saw the letters, "Powdered Darkness".

Don't Stay Dead Man sprinkled some of the powder on the new arrival. The man screamed as the powder hit him. Then he dissolved into nothing.

The newly dead heroes screamed. But Don't Stay Dead Man ignored them. He pointed at Cannon Fodder, and crooked his finger. Cannon Fodder shrugged, and hopped on the rear-wheel rider spokes of Don't Stay Dead Man's bicycle.

Don't Stay Dead Man turned around and pedalled his bicycle back into the sky, with Cannon Fodder. No one dared speak until they'd disappeared.

The female new arrival (call her Poignant Death Lass, Ensign Bodybag thought) whispered, "What was that?"

Ensign Bodybag responded quietly, "That was our version of the Champion of Death. He usually comes here to bring one of us back to life. Usually Cannon Fodder..." He shrugged. "But that powder he used is pure oblivion. When it hits someone who's already dead, there's no coming back."

"So that Death guy is an agent of the Higher Powers?"

"Yeah."

"Wow. I guess Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead Man must have really offended The Writers."

Author's Notes:

Originally an instant story! Justice needed swift service. But we're now on the second draft of this story. You can find the first draft on alt.comics.lnh if you really want to. Arthur Spitzer did, and redirected me to where people actually care.

Yet-Another-Character-with-an-incredibly-long-name-that-won't-amuse-Scott-Eiler-but-hey-it's-okay-since-he's-dead Man is used by permission of Arthur Spitzer.

Team LNH-Subgroup-Designed-to-be-Mowed-Down-by-Mynabird-to-Show-What-an-Incredible-Bad-Ass-He-Is, Comes-up-with-horrible-awful-names-for-LNH-subgroups Lad, Her-Death-Would've-Been-More-Poignant-If-She-Had-Actually-Appeared-in-Something-Before-this-Issue Lass, and Dr. Can-Beat-Any-Supervillain-Except-for-Mynabird are created by Arthur Spitzer, and uncategorized by the rules of the Legion of Net.Heroes. I've left them as I've found them. But now that I've written them, I am inclined to use them again in LNH-related media, especially Horrible Name Lad and Poignant Death Lass. Arthur, I've lost track of approvals, so are you explicitly willing?

Cannon Fodder is one of those legendary characters created by wReam. He fit this story so well, its first draft had a character called Cannon Fodder Lad. So I've tried to tie Cannon Fodder in with Beige Midnight #9.

Powdered Darkness resembles an interdimensional force Wil Alambre recently invoked in Super Wizard from Space stories in RACC. Without going into further history of Darkness... Eek!

Ensign Bodybag and Don't Stay Dead Man are original to me. I hereby declare them Free For Use in all LNH-related venues.

So there.

(signed) Scott Eiler, 4 Nov 2011