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OUR STAFF WAS REPLACED BY EXTRADIMENSIONALS!
Engineering Company Deals With Otherworldly Incursion
The employees of DuoPolarity of Boston were replaced by extradimensionals over a period of time, according to corporate president Ingrid Clark. The extradimensionals came from the Planet of Strange Invaders. Fortunately, the DuoPolarity staff were able to escape and return to Earth. (9 March)
ALIEN DEVICE ON EARTH - ONLY KNOWS FIVE WORDS!
"Eeeee", "Aaaaa", "Ooooo", "Mmmmm", and "Rrrrr"!
The alien invasion of 1999 left behind a floating sphere - and it calls itself "Eeeee"! Its language has only five words:
It looks like this device was sent here to observe, and was left behind when the invasion failed. Right now Eeeee is roaming the world, alongside an Earthling it's picked for its companion. (10 March)
SUPER WAR CRIMINAL SPEAKS OUT!
My Partner Abused His Son - And Vice Versa!
Philippe St. Josephe Lateran is the super human war criminal who, along with his partner Sam Johanssen and their superhuman "Last Army", slaughtered the ocean-dwelling Subhumans of the Caribbean. He was captured at Willow Farm, Illinois this year. Now, he's finally granted his first interview, to the World Journal Monthly. Highlights:
GIANT HARLOT WRESTLES GIANT SNAKE
In The Middle of the Atlantic Ocean!
A sea captain reports, while crossing the Atlantic Ocean he saw a snake the size of a mountain chain. He had a female passenger on board who called the snake Set - and called herself Zenobia. She was able to get the gods to turn her into a giant harlot called the Whore of Babylon. The harlot jumped in the water with the snake and dragged it under. It's unknown whether either giant entity survived. (11 March)
ABE LINCOLN RUNS MY SOFTWARE PROJECT!
He Holds His Stovepipe Hat Together With Duct Tape!
An Illinois software programmer reports, his boss closely resembles Abe Lincoln. The boss, whose last name is also Lincoln, is a lawyer who's re-entering the field after a long absence, and concentrating on the field of internet law. And he thinks grey duct tape is so stylish, he's put a band of it around the stovepipe hat he keeps in his office. (11 March)
GIANT SIZE SADDAM HUSSEIN CHALLENGES THE WORLD!
UN Uses Teleport Gear Against Him
A 60-foot Saddam Hussein lookalike has surfaced in the Middle East country of Yemen, and issued a challenge to the United Nations peacekeepers in Iraq. It's unknown whether he is a robot similar to the Afghan blockade-breaker. In an attempt to dispose of him, the United Nations has fielded peacekeepers with a giant teleport gate. (21 March)
FEAR MY BEER CANNON!
Maker of the Giant Afghan Robot Has a Fearsome New Weapon
The hacker named "Madfinger", admitted programmer of the giant Afghanistan blockade-breaking robot, claims he has a new weapon - which runs on beer! "Beer has alcohol, which is the same fuel as in racing cars," he explains. "The excess water acts as coolant - and the weapon can work like a water cannon! Or even a beer cannon, if I feel like it." (23 March)
THERE'S A HOTEL ON MARS!
One Night There Costs $22,000
Our travel correspondent recently found humans living on Mars - and they have a hotel! But for ambiance, they have a ways to go yet. "The Mars colony is like a squalid little trailer park," she says. "And I had to sing for my supper." (30 March)
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