Me in Comic Books: Startup Escalation 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010 2011 .

Me 1999 in the Marvel Universe

In previous adventures, it's been established that I have been:

A martial artist and weirdness magnet.
A world traveller.
A mage with great power and varying degrees of control. Also a weirdness magnet.
A celebrity performer and designer of games.

When I consciously wrote my own adventures, I wrote about #1. When I let my subconscious take over, it wrote a little about #2, and lots about #3. At first it barely touched on #4. Oh, it had its moments. I designed "Omniverse the Card Game" in dreams, and premiered it at a casino to a celebrity crowd. But mostly I didn't have time for that stuff; I was too busy confronting the likes of Thanos and the Teknophage, in a time of my fictional life I call "the Escalation".

But now the Escalation is over, and I'm back to what passes for a normal life. For now. But normal life still includes some weirdness, like:

An encounter with fluid seal-like creatures. If these are anything like the Subhumans that other people have reported, they've been holding back - for everyone except me. When other people see them, they're bumbling seal-like creatures. But for me, they move with fluid grace. I have to flee up a water tower and kick them away.
An Arabic counterpart to the infamous Marvel Universe villain "Onslaught". He makes his prisoners fight tigers, and keeps hours in the financial district of Medina. He might be up to something nasty in a year or two...
A return visit with a couple of superheroes ("SuperJew" and the "Mighty Tim", both of whom have beards like me) to the planet of Strange Invaders, wherein I discover that their secret to social change is genetically engineered babies. I lose my beard hair after that one, because beard hair is what makes me look the most like them, and they're tired of me exploiting that look.
I do some time in Hell too, substituting for a minor demon at a banquet. ï¿½ The bread is crumbly and the roast beef is overdone, but at least Hell has nice vegetables. (9 Sep)
And I get this growth on my right hand. It doesn't hurt, but I think this might not be your average growth. While I sleep one night, the FCC assigns call letters to my hand, because it now generates radio frequency interference. (25 May)

I travel as much as ever. I make it to Little Rock, Greenland, Labrador, Ontario, Indianapolis, and Texas this year. Plus a secret resort in Africa which only the Queen of Atlantis knows about.

I've moved from the Marvel Universe to the world of the Balance and Total Conversion, two sets of fictional heroes I myself once wrote stories about. As near as I can figure, this happened when I opened the Stamp of God to escape from Vinalhaven. But it might really have been during the big cross-time merge, DuoPolarity in 1996. As opposed to DuoPolarity in 1988, which I went to also. In any case, DuoPolarity was when I first saw these heroes.

We have fictional heroes in this world, but not really the long-underwear, power-blast type:

The Tape, who swings through the city like Spider-Man on strands of tape. ï¿½ As the Dark Tape, he flies in an "Evil Wing" made of duct tape, which is virtually unstoppable. (28 Mar) As my hobby, I've tried to build my own Evil Wing. And I can do it! I know people with antigravity generators.
The Lineman, who has powers to monitor and control any phone conversation, and survive any outdoor working conditions. But mostly he just keeps phone lines working, even underground during mine cave-ins, according to the comic books. I think one of the big phone companies must secretly subsidize that comic book. And judging from how many of his adventures happen in Texas or California, I think I know which one.
Captain Santana, the World's Mightiest Mortal when he says the magic word "SANTANA".

All this plus The Mad Scotsman, Groinstorm, and any number of others.

We also have actual superhumans in this world. They don't usually wear Spandex or long underwear, but they can power-blast with the best of them. But they're usually more scary than entertaining. Hence, people where I live turn to the sillier fictional heroes for entertainment.

Chief among Our Real Heroes are The Balance (American freelance superheroes) and Total Conversion (an "offshore" superhuman foundation in the Bahamas). In 1995 Total Conversion came within eight seconds of bringing the Judgment Day down on New Jersey... and, believe it or not, the records say I stopped them. But I've still had vivid dreams about the Judgment Day... as if someone might still summon it.

We have other differences in popular culture:

Deep Purple has put out a "Concerto for Group and Orchestra II", and toured to support this with "Bigfoot the Ultimate Amplifier". (Footnote: In real life, Deep Purple actually did recreate its "Concerto for Group and Orchestra" in a 30th Anniversary edition on 25 and 26 September 1999. In real life, I had no idea of this until the concert CD showed up in a used CD bin.)
The Red Hot Chili Peppers cater to a polite, upscale crowd. It's actually fun to go see them in concert.
The famous Berlin Wall concert of 1990 featured not Roger Waters performing "The Wall" but "The Relics of Rock", featuring Alan Parsons performing "I, Robot". ï¿½ But in my opinion, Mike Oldfield stole the show with his live rendition of "Piltdown Man" from "Tubular Bells". "The Wall" is now part of a Pink Floyd tour, but they've retired, so the tour is just recordings and multimedia. (20 Oct)
There was a really, really bad movie in 1976 called "A Swamp Thing Bicentennial", wherein Swampy escaped mind control by thinking patriotic thoughts. (9 Feb)
Jennifer Aniston starred as Power Girl in a movie. I was the lucky villain who got to wrestle her when she lost her powers.
There is an Amazon queen named "Zenobia" who did a commencement address at a college. ï¿½ It was so funny, she has her own comedy show now. (26 Dec)

Speaking of which, I'm something of a celebrity myself. In my world, we have teams that play for world championships at role-playing. I'm on one of the best. My teammates have included:

"Jen", a follower of Zenobia under orders to protect me. ï¿½ I met her at the gym where we had the Aerobic 11 attacks. She's an aerobics teacher, so she was a natural for athletic live-action stuff. She even looks kind of like Ms. Marvel (only more athletic) when she puts on the Spandex.
"Doug", a doctor and veteran role-player. He was in on the Ellipsis Project, too.
"Matt", a newcomer and distant kin of mine; he's one of those people who gets a second life like I do, after a healing coma. (I'm already on #2, thanks to a certain tidal wave in New Jersey.) I'm supposed to watch him.
"Blasphemy Babe", a refugee from the Scum Syndicate of Worcester, replacing "Jen" who resigned to raise children.

We have mages in this world. They consider me one of them, because I seem to have magic powers that can't be explained otherwise. They generally don't dress up like wizards; in fact, most of them have other hobbies. Lucianus Autonomus Championis Federus is the leading example of a well-adjusted, or "white" mage; he's a championship boxer. Vara Hosea is publicly a famous pianist (like Tori Amos in another world) and secretly a mage.

The non-well-adjusted, or "black" mages, like to go overboard with displays of power. In 1991 and 1995 there were "black mage competitions", which got numerous small sections of the public involved. "The Escalation" coincided with the Black Mage Competition of 1995. It's 1999, so we're due for another one. Judgment Day for sure this time!

And the mages got me into an adventure:

Mystics

A bunch of us online chaos mages decide to have an exercise of power, just to see what happens. We are chaos mages, after all; we like to see what happens when we play with magic. I may be a wholesome chaos mage, but I'm still a chaos mage.

The plans get so elaborate and wide-ranging, Lucianus himself goes online to ask us to tone it down. And I'm ready to heed him, because I've seen what almost happens when mystic ceremonies get out of control. That is to say, the Judgment Day.

But a guy named Bob Valsi is spearheading this ceremony. He's gotten a lot of people into it, by sheer force of will. And he says, no quitting, or it all falls apart. Which is kind of the point of quitting... but he also says that we will be traitors to the art of magic and he will pray to his Higher Powers for us to be beaten to within an inch of our lives while bystanders watch and laugh. I consider such prayers to be bad form for a mage, but I don't feel like an argument, so I stay in the ceremony.

We hold the ceremony online, although several of us have travelled to San Francisco to join in person. There are five of us who are coordinating the online operations, and nine of us who have taken on powers for the purpose. Someone else has one of my favorites, Thorpower.

The ceremony, of course, includes music. Bob is a blues musician, so he gets a "jam group" playing. And I can at least fake a harmonica, so I join in. We start with some cosmic stuff from Yes (which sounds pretty strange with harmonica), and go on to a Stone Roses song, "Breaking Into Heaven".

That's about when we start shifting realities. My own power for the day seems to be "Reality Shift". Coincidence? I think not. And it looks like we're going up through realities.

Eventually, we get to something that sure looks like the gates of Heaven. "Thor" and Bob almost get the gates open, until Heaven sends out some Holy Grails filled with soup. In short, the Maker has honored our efforts. Good enough for me.

Bob, of course, swears vengeance on me if I dump the group now. Too bad, Bob.

Meanwhile strange things start happening offline. In particular, one of our online number, a guy named Paul from East Lansing, goes offline. ï¿½ Using the mystic energy of the ceremony, I go investigate.

It seems that extradimensional beings have invaded the campus of Michigan State University. They call themselves "Grelb", but "Ebonati" would be a better name. ï¿½ And I'm powerless.

Luckily, humans throughout the campus are picking up the mystic power that's floating around. There are some dweebs who hang out in the Science Fiction Society, and want to use their newfound power to terrorize the mundanes. But Paul's linked up with a theatre class of his, and is leading a resistance. He even manages to send the aliens back through the hole they came from.

As you may have guessed, this is Paul's story much more than mine. Maybe he'll tell it for us sometime.

There's one other big story to tell this year, but it starts as a bunch of little ones:

Escalation II

Featuring:

Fem-Force. In Massachusetts a really minor Marvel super villain has come to visit. And he's annoying my ladyfriends no end.
As Above, So Below. The superheroes of my world are having a war. One side was exiled into the Marvel Universe. It's time for them to make a comeback. And this could lead to another visit by the Marvel super heroes.
Deputy Champion of Death. I've brought back the mightiest of my world's heroes, to have him and his teammates save a friend. But they're no help at all. Only Death can help him. And I've been deputized by Death. Really.
The Black Mage Competition of 1999. The evil mages of my universe have a competition every four years. And it's not good stuff. The 1991 competition involved the Persian Gulf War. In 1995 they swamped New Jersey. Well, it's Black Mage time again. And they're invoking stuff that's more disruptive than ever.

The Judgment Day Comes to New Haven. For real this time. I should have seen this happening long before this, but I was not in the regular habit of taking my visions seriously. I shall learn, I suppose. Things from all my dreams are converging here, and many visions are coming true.
- Adolf Hitler has come here from my own study halls in high school. He once actually begged me to come with me from the past. It seems he's made his own way here, via my own past. Justice is served, I suppose. But my past is not something I'd wish upon a potential world leader, even Adolf Hitler. (31 March 1997)
- Prisoners on closed circuit TV have seen Barbie nude with skates defeat the Silver Surfer. (31 March 1997 #2)
- Sylvester and Tweety land a helicopter at Sikorsky Memorial Airport, Connecticut, against the odds. (5 April 1997)
- A bar in Jacksonville, Florida sees statues of Lynyrd Skynyrd where none were before. (5 April 1997 #2)
- Queen Elizabeth II recites a poem about me predicting the fall of the British monarchy, but the dates and the last words in the lines have been removed to present it from happening. (6 April 1997)
- A cartoon is published about football players, accusing them of being homosexual using such terms as "Ass Massagers" and "Sperm Sizzlers" (10 April 1997)
- Al Gore does a song and dance routine with Suzanne Pleshette where he wears half business, half hippie clothes, and sings about "The Kid from Brookline in 1988". (7 May 1997)
The contest of the Modern Gods. My contest happens at Metallica World Headquarters. Since it's the Judgment Day, everyone is interested. And it comes down to a fight: Lucianus Autonomus Championus Federus vs. Metallica.
- I slip into their underground facility (conveniently near the Judgment Day) before tourist hours. I may not have discovered their secret before going in, but I scare off the tourists at least.
- And once I get inside, I do discover their secret. They're really the Monkees. Once I reveal this to the crowd, their support drains away, and Lucianus gets a knockout victory. (8 May 1997)
Hung Be the Heavens with Black. The return of Urr. This is the end of the world as we know it. And how we survive.
- Urr is the ultimate conqueror alien. I inadvertently helped a team of Earthlings rescue him from a hell planet once.
- Urr has come to Earth for vengeance on Ellipsis, who once defeated him. He starts out by blotting out the Sun. Then, before the world can die by ice, he rips it in two.
- Urr's intent was to have two chunks of planet where Earth used to be. But my pals the White Mages are ready for him. They change his spell to produce two parallel Earths. But these are unstable; either or both may collapse soon, unless merged back together. Indeed, one soon collapses into a new asteroid belt. Ellipsis was there; he and his like who can survive vacuum, go into space to fight Urr.
- Meanwhile, our planet is ready for its own collapse. The weather forecasts mention firestorms now. So, we champions of Death assemble, with the full power of White and Black Mages behind us, to plan the proper ceremony for a dying planet. And we're fairly sure the Gods are listening. We just talked with them in New Haven.