Domination of Eiler: Home The Declaration of Domination The Dominator
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Hospitality Law of the Domination of Eiler
There are some places on Earth which are so well-known for their hospitality, that if you come to their town and don't let someone put you up for the night, the townsfolk will hunt you down at your campsite and stone you to death. The Domination of Eiler is not one of those places, but it still has some standards for hospitality.
Gas stations are to offer a public restroom. Preferably one which no single patron can lock. Preferably without having to request from the attendant a key chained on to a honkin' large piece of wood.
Big stores (at least the ones that look like warehouses) are to offer restrooms. If one is to browse throughout a big store in a sanitary manner, one needs to find a place to pee as the need arises. It is especially annoying when the staff refer their customers to the nearest restaurant.
- The Domination Guard has actually served as cashier, so it knows the issues. Public restrooms do have an insurance liability. And people can hide in there, stuff packages down their shirts, and try to look inconspicuous. Oh well. Cost of doing business.
- In return, citizens are not to try to flush their shoplifted packages to safety, or otherwise abuse the bathroom.
Banks get much business from the Domination of Eiler. From them, much is expected.
- They are to offer money-changing service (both domestic coinage and foreign currency) and notary-public service, whether you are already their customer or not. A fee for such service is understandable, but banks are not to simply refuse to do it. In return, citizens may consider using the bank's ATM, even if there's a fee.
- They are not to care where you live if you open an account with them, so long as they're licensed to serve you in your home state. In the Domination of Eiler, financial operations often slop over state lines without warning - and professional bankers can handle it.
Bicycle paths get much traffic from the Domination of Eiler. From them, much is expected.
- Highly trained cyclists of the Domination of Eiler may sometimes ride on the sidewalk or in the gutter, as a gesture of good will toward motorists. That does not make sidewalks or gutters into bike paths.
- Some places declare sidewalks to be bike paths. This is wrong - and dangerous to pedestrians. Sidewalks are pedestrian paths. In the Domination of Eiler, properly trained cyclists fight motorists rather than endanger pedestrians on pedestrian walkways. Sidewalks aren't safe for bicycles either; many motorists will gladly run bikes down on the sidewalk, and then just say "I didn't see him!"
- Some places declare roads to be bike paths, without any special provision for bicycles. This is wrong - and dangerous to cyclists. It is especially wrong when the declared bike path ends arbitrarily, for instance at a highway crossing. What, are the bicycles just supposed to stop there?
- Some places have bike paths through parks but not onto nearby roads. This is wrong - and encourages the use of routes other than those paths. Bikes need to go everywhere that cars do, for all the same reasons. There may be designated car roads (a.k.a. "highways") and designated bike roads (a.k.a. "bike paths"), but they need the same sort of access to stuff.
- Where separate bike paths exist, they must be as well maintained (and snow-plowed) as the roads. Otherwise, cyclists can just take the roads instead, to the dismay of the motorists.
- Of course, any road that does not explicitly exclude bicycles is already a legitimate bike path, whether marked as a bike path or not. Motorists are not to object to bicycles on the shared roads. In return, cyclists will try to stay out of the way and not take up the whole lane.
- Naturally if cars are stopped across the bike lane, bikes might have to stray into the car lane.
- Traffic lights on the bike path need to recognize bikes. If it's a pedestrian light, the cyclist shouldn't have to press a button to activate it. If it's a motorist light, the bike shouldn't have to be the size of a car to activate it. Otherwise, cyclists get trained to ignore the lights.
- In return for good bike paths, cyclists of the Domination of Eiler should obey all the traffic laws. However, in reality the cyclists is sometimes safer if he runs the light and beats the traffic. And so on. As ever, the prevailing law of the Domination of Eiler is, "Do no harm to the Domination of Eiler".
Comic-book stores get much business from the Domination of Eiler. From them, much is expected.
- Their staff are expected to not look like the stereotypical Comic Book Guy. A stereotypical Aged Hippie Guy is okay, as long as he can still do his job.
- They are expected to keep last month's comics in stock. The Dominator will never buy issue #2 of a comic book if he can't find issue #1 first.
- The store is to actually look like a place where normal people like to shop, well-lit with wide aisles. Corollary: It's desired that when the store has open gaming, you shouldn't have to maneuver around the game tables to get to the merchandise.
- If they ship you their comics, they are expected to get the address right the first time.
- On the Domination holiday of Free Comic Book Day, the store is expected to cheerfully give you one issue of everything that's free. In response, the Domination's citizens are expected to not ask for that free Mickey Mouse comic if they're never going to read it.
Pubs get much business from the Domination of Eiler. From them, much is expected.
- Pubs are expected to provide food. If it won't serve dinner, it's not a pub, it's a social club for those who just want to drink. That is fine on rare occasions, but a full life requires both food and beer.
- Pubs are expected to serve draft beer. If it won't, then the beer is just a sideline for them. There are way too many so-called restaurants where the food is painstakingly prepared but the beer menu is still recovering from Prohibition.
- Draft beer is to be served in portions 16 ounces or larger, so as not to keep the bartender running back and forth for the Domination's especially thirsty patrons. If larger portions are available, they are to offer.
- The bar is expected to not have the ambiance of Playland at McDonalds. The Domination of Eiler understands, children need a place to dine out too - just not at the bar.
- There may not always be a seat at the bar, but this is not to happen just because all the regulars cluster there and save seats for their friends. Such practice is considered an act of rebellion against the Domination of Eiler. Stinking up the only vacant seats with cigarettes is considerered to be rebellious also.
- In return for a seat at the bar, patrons should be willing to move to another vacant seat if people want to smoke or bring their friends over. If no vacant seat, of course, it could be war.
- In return for good service, the patrons are expected to give a 20% tip. The Dominator does this on the total including tax. He typically gets great service from people who recognize him.
- The Domination of Eiler especially likes the pubs that make their own beer - and let people take it home in growlers. The Domination requires these pubs to fill any growler, not just their own. Or if they insist on only filling their own, they must accept other growlers as trade-in. Good brewpubs use these as trophies.
- Only pubs which meet these criteria are eligible to be listed on the Domination's honor roll of pubs, such as those which supported the Nashville 50-Saloon Initiative.
Churches get much traffic from the Domination of Eiler. From them, much is expected.
- Children are not allowed to dominate the service. A separate area for children is required, hopefully more fun than what the grown-ups are usually doing. It doesn't have to be for the whole service; children and adults usually all enjoy a children's sermon from the pastor.
- The elderly and infirm are not allowed to dominate the service. Not every prayer should be about Edna's health concerns. (The Bishop-Principal of the Domination of Eiler has concerns about how most Christian churches actually seem to worship Santa Claus and pray to him to grant Earthly immortality.) And when someone the age of the U.S. President shows up to visit, he really shouldn't have to be the youngest in the choir or the Bible study.
- The church is required not to be on the edge of extinction. When the Domination of Eiler seeks out the other faithful subjects of the Kingdom of Heaven, their concern needs to be outside their building, not on their plugged-up toilets, their flooded elevator shaft, or whether the pastor can bother to show up for service on time after doing some side job. In the Domination of Eiler, any service time before 10 am without other options, is considered a sign that the pastor has a side job and his church is on the edge of extinction.
- Pastors are desired to observe brevity as a spiritual discipline. If there is a time for public speaking during the service, brevity is desired of the parishioners too. The Holy Word of God deserves one's best speaking, not just some stream of consciousness.
- Pastors are desired to have mature faith, not simple faith. For example, if they say that God's spiritual laws are as simple as God's physical laws such as "Water always boils at this temperature", they should at least realize that the boiling point of water varies greatly with air pressure.
- Pastors should be ready to serve as community leaders - and therefore get along with other community leaders. Protestant pastors should therefore not have grudges against Catholic churches, or Catholic pastors against Protestant churches.
- Not a major priority... but if people walk around with coffee or refreshments for themselves before or after the service, someone is required to say or publish where to find it.
The first three rules for churches are here published in conjunction with the Cyber-Church of Jesus Christ Childfree. The Cyber-Church is filled with people who don't nicely fit in to churches of 20-something young people, parents, or the elderly. The Dominator and his Bishop-Principal actually like the idea of a church filled with 20-somethings, but an emphasis on the other stuff is considered to be an act of rebellion against Heaven.
In return for good service, the patrons are expected to not whine about how they can't find a church full of single women they can mate with. It would just be creepy if churches were expected to find mates for everyone who walked in.