The main tour of Amish Acres is guided and takes two hours, well-scheduled because they time the tours. It involves historic buildings (moved in from throughout northern Indiana), a tractor-drawn wagon ride, live animals (but don't pet them, they are actual farm animals and they bite!), and a half hour of Amish propaganda films. If one believes the films, the Amish movement is booming due to recruitment.
The Amish restaurant offers all the boiled meat you can eat, family-style. But Domination forces instead returned to downtown Nappanee and fed the troops with chicken fried steak at local pub "Hunter's Hideaway".
Several small shops on Amish Acres premises offer things like:
- Many flavors of fudge, including maple. The Domination took a quarter-pound trophy here.
- Many flavors of cheese, including horseradish. The Domination took a half-pound trophy here, consumed a quarter-pound that same day, and went back for more. It just seemed wrong to buy Wisconsin cheese curds in Indiana, though, so the Domination bypassed these.
- Many, many quilts, antiques, and other cute things. The Domination bypassed these.
- Sturdy furniture, well suitable for use as melee weapons in a pinch... at (for instance) $29.99 per wastebasket. The Domination bypassed these.
- Many used books. Booklets on tithing were sold alongside pulp fiction such as "The Penetrator #53: The City of the Dead". As interested as the Domination is in trashy fiction and in why people tithe, these things were bypassed also.
- For what it's worth, the argument in favor of tithing in modern days can be summed up as, "Some don't, some do, some do even more."
They even hold theatre on site: the Amish Acres Round Barn Theatre!
- The author of "Fiddler on the Roof" once wrote a similar play about the Amish, called "Plain and Fancy". The Amish Acres Theatre is now "Plain and Fancy" world headquarters.
- But they also show other wholesome family entertainment... such as the Dr. Seuss-spin-in-his-grave musical "Seussical". The Dominator chose to patronize the Friday night performance.
"Seussical" can be summed up as "Crisis on Earth-Seuss", wherein a massive crossover occurs and most of the villains get turned loose at once. Whoville is beleagured, the heroic Horton the Elephant is overworked, and the Cat in the Hat just enjoys the fun.
- Sadly missing, is the villainous Grinch. The Grinch does show up, but only as a now well-adjusted resident of Whoville. Yertle the Turtle was more menacing. The Domination says, more Grinch, more Kangaroo in the kangaroo court, less Yertle.
- But fortunately, the Wickersham Brothers (not "Wickerson"?) are in the play, in their usual role. The Domination says, the world needs more plays where the villains include three monkeys who can terrorize an elephant.
- The musical also includes three Bird Girls, who have roughly the part of singing Hooters waitresses. A nice touch. As fun as it would be to see Things 1, 2 and 3 instead, it just wouldn't be the same as Bird Girls.
- Two songs mentioned Dr. Seuss himself. These songs jumped the shark. Other songs were okay, but Domination forces returned to quarters that night humming the old Seuss TV show songs. Presumably these were copyrighted and unavailable for the musical.
- At Amish Acres, the performers hold a reception line afterwards to sign autographs for the kids. The Dominator chose not to infringe upon this privilege for his larval-citizens, but did tell the Wickersham Brothers how the world needs more plays with them in it.
Barracks "Inn at Amish Acres" was chosen for its convenience to all of the above, plus ability to provide a nap for the troops. Its quarters would be Domination-grade, if only the walls were thicker.
Domination day of resurgence. Domination Guard armor drove west along U.S. Highway 6, which was found to be a good and worthy alternative to other roads in the region. Yes, U.S. 6 only has one lane each way, but one lane's all you need.
Targets for the day were chosen with the intent of bypassing resistance on the Hellroad, a.k.a. I-80/94:
Target of opportunity Walkerton. It has some Eiler Doctrine associations, but the main attraction there is a thrift store. The village was thoroughly conquered in fifteen minutes, but no trophies were obtained.
Target of opportunity Anderson Winery, in Portage County. Domination forces conquered a case of assorted fruit wines there, plus ingredients for Domination-grade homebrew. Ask where the discount bins are!
Target Valparaiso. As a college town, one might expect it to provide Domination-grade opportunities for amusement. But mostly it just has trashy strip malls. Conquest was deemed irrelevant.
Target Merrillville. Surprisingly, this is home to a major entertainment compound, the Star Theatre. Its main attractions that night (being "The Dells" and other 1950s Motown music survivors) were not of interest, but it also has a comedy club.
Domination forces settled in at Merrillville barracks "Courtyard", the cheapest provider which could provide a swimming pool near theatre shows, and made comedy club reservations for the Dominator.
Barracks are convenient to an entire menu full of full-service restaurants, and each restaurant is well known to most North Americans. Midday mess at "Hooters", followed by exercises in stickcarving (one stick was conquered in the hotel backlot, despite continuing rain), cyberspace, and aqua-Domination of a hot tub. Evening mess at "Lone Star". Operational music "Shakedown Street".
Comedy club environs hopping, due to fashion show letting out, concertgoers waiting for Motown concert, reasonably-priced beer at atrium bar, and live band in spacious hotel atrium for free. However...
Club "Wisecrackers" is a smallish poorly-lit poorly-ventilated room up a poorly-labeled stairwell, with no restrooms of its own, and only fine bottled beers such as the Miller Genuine Draft of Milwaukee.
Club has a two-drink minimum, which should be no problem for Domination Guard forces, but watch out if the comedians start heckling the Dominator, because (in comedy as in any realm) the Guard often counterattacks in kind. (This has gotten rude comments from bouncers in the past.)
... Fortunately, not a problem. Headliner was one Brad Tassell, who (when stuck in a room full of mostly 20-somethings) only heckles people who are not 40+, and so the Dominator was exempt.
- The comedian tells (among other things) aww, cute jokes about kids throwing up, and actually has written a children's book, one of which the Domination conquered as a trophy, for a low low $5 price. Hey, the Dominator has a niece.
- Coincidentally, at least part of the Tassell family will go watch Seussical tomorrow at Amish Acres. In exchange for an autograph, the Dominator gave Mr. Tassell an intelligence assessment that "Seussical" isn't too scary for a two-year-old.
- Well, not unless the Wickersham Brothers come into the audience and start eating babies... one can only hope. But aside from that, on reflection...
- What does it take to make a play too scary for a two-year-old - other than one sudden loud noise? Surely "Seussical" has that, because at one point it simulates a minefield.
- In the program, Amish Acres states they only welcome four-year-olds or older to its plays. Obviously all ages can get in, and none of them seemed to mind the loud noises, but there was some "fussing" throughout the play, regardless of noise level from the stage.
- As such, the Domination of Eiler hereby apologizes to Brad Tassell, because its assessment was obviously wrong. Your infants stand a fair chance of not melting down during the play, but not even the Amish can produce a play which is guaranteed suitable for infants.
Domination forces moved out at a earlier hour than typical. Given the earliness of the hour, Domination armor braved the Hellroad, a.k.a. I-80/94. This gamble worked, thereby enabling the Domination choral force to observe Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance with its coalition partners in the Core Territories.
As ever, Domination of Eiler forces return triumphant, all praise to the One Maker.
(signed) S. Dominator Eiler for the Domination of Eiler.
