Me in Comic Books:
A Sequel .
The Comic Book Adventures of Me 2006
Heroes of the New Present
As part of the latest reality shift, superhumans have had a great victory. Not only have they defeated Nazis, they're reverted to previous levels of power. So, concentration camps for them are out of the question. What will there be instead?
Apparently, we're all getting together to decide that.
Lucianus Autonomus is the informal but highly respected leader of the superhuman world, and he's inviting every superhuman he can find to his beachfront compound in Cuba. When Lucianus Himself invites you to his house, you aren't in danger if you refuse, but you still don't refuse.
But this sucks. I have my own life to attend to...
- The newspapers say there's been the first human cloning - and I'm the subject! I'm only one of eighteen people in the world who are eligible... probably because the U.S. Gov experimented on me once. But how did they get my stem cells? (6 Aug 2006)
- But as important as that is to track down, I have more important stuff still... I'll barely still be able to make it to an appearance by Roald Dahl, author of the original Willy Wonka story (and original documenter of Gremlins) - at my favorite thrift store near Chicago! The man chooses some unusual tour venues.
- Roald's 90 years old now, but he still gets around in a wheelchair. Or at least in our new reality, he does. Before the last few reality shifts, he was dead.
- In this new reality, Roald Dahl, British WW2 airman and creator of Willy Wonka, did not die of a rare blood disorder in 1990! Instead, he's lived on to see another Willy Wonka movie, tour America one last time, and meet some surprised children near Chicago. Continued life is not always the best option, but Mr. Dahl seems to be enjoying it.
- We will do our best to keep the aisles clear for his wheelchair. Not easy in a thrift store, but doable. We do get wheelchair patrons and even workers on occasion.
- Mr. Dahl's always spoken well (he was a British propagandist once), and he likes to meet the public on occasion. Especially on random occasions, suitable for a children's story. So here he is, looking much like his lovable Grandpa Joe character.
- So we can have a contest for the children, just like Willy Wonka does. Roald loves that idea, and he's kind enough to bring the prize: an original "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" printing, with a reproduction Wonka "Golden Ticket" inside. Good thing he's bringing a prize; we'd have had to give away a used Halloween costume as Grand Prize instead. (13 Aug 2006)
- ... Obviously, that last one's important. But it seems I'll be missing the Ukrainian Independence Day party that some of my friends want to throw. (25 Aug 2006)
Still, I can use this superhuman conference trip as a stepping stone to other fun...
- Recently, Our Heroes managed to revert our reality from Nazis. But the last shift had some minor effects on world history.
- For instance, the WW2 naval battle of the River Plate now took place in the Lagoa dos Patos near Porto Alegre in southern Brazil.
- And some WW2 airmen seem to have lived a little longer somehow... as witness Roald Dahl.
- As long as I have to go to the Caribbean during hurricane season anyway, I might as well go see the new River Plate battle site - because there's a submarine tour that goes there. Sounds interesting. (27 Aug 2006)
- After that, Patagonia! There's a ranch on the tour. If I have to go south for a superhero conference at the height of hurricane season, I might as well keep going to where the temperatures are decently cold. (30 Aug 2006)
Of course, before I go have fun in Patagonia, I have to put in an appearance among superhumans. Oh joy.
- But it's not all bad. I'm actually on congenial terms with many superhumans... mostly because I try not to start arguments with people who can blast their way through walls or command armies of minions. But there are some decent sorts to be found there too.
- For instance, when I arrive, I see an old contact, Ron Cannon. He's idealistic; he loves his African heritage way more than I love my European; he's influential among college superhumans; and he's backing this congress. And he's impressed with the lead housekeeper, who's particularly well organized and has a success story to tell. (15 Aug 2006)
- Ron's with another old contact of mine, Pam Brown. Pam seems kind of dejected, but it's good to see her still around, after all she's been through.
When the conference opens, Lucianus givs us the recent news.
- Lucianus has discovered a root cause for recent years full of reality shifts! It was those mischevious reality-shifters, Bit and Bug, who sucked in some shifting-power once. (It happened when I was watching, but I don't admit that, at least not outside these web pages which most people consider to be fiction.) Those imps have now been sent back to the Dreamtime or wherever they come from. So, no more shifts, dammit.
- The Ultimate Darkness is involved in every reality shift, because it wraps itself around every universe. But it's supposedly under control now.
- The most responsible host (the "Bride of the Ultimate Darkness") was Pam Brown, a.k.a. "Nightlight". She didn't like how it turned out for her.
- After Pam lost the Darkness, others took it up. The "Super-Savior" claimed it for a while. It's pretty obvious, he didn't make it happy or well-adjusted to human society.
- But Pam's taken up that role again, with the longstanding superheroine Morningstar for moral support.
- Pam was always more sensible than anyone who actively sought the Darkness. I think she's a good guardian for it. The others mostly agree. And the Super-Savior's contingent isn't here to disagree. Too bad for them. (3 Aug 2006)
Lucianus concludes, "We've changed the world. We changed it twice this year. Of course we'll change it again. But this time, we do it right and make it last. And it'd be a good thing if we helped mankind while we did it."
Then, the world's superhumans report. They're already lining up with sponsors.
- My mercenary acquaintance Yon Schmidt has already gone into space to knock down a satellite. My militia acquantance Longbow was up there to try to stop him. (4 Aug 2006)
- A wolf-woman named Wolven has been on the loose in marshes near the upper Mississippi River. Authorities wanted to hire the world's best hunter to find her, but Yon Schmidt was unavailable. Another hunter named Khrisa Stalker couldn't find her. (5 Aug 2006)
- A British secret agent named "Cigarette Man" has outed his powers, and now writes an advice column. One correspondent says the British secret agent "Faerie Queen" should dump "Flint Jack", and find herself a big black American superhuman, like Rock Pile Jim. Jim's black, isn't he, under all that granite? ... Actually, I've heard he was white, but the point seems especially irrelevant to me. (7 Aug 2006)
- The former Total Conversion superhero team was the world's most powerful. They're now reorganizing around my friend Jill Stern, a.k.a. Stonewater. She's indulging her business instincts. Some of the team work for AT&T now. Others do roller derby. Jill says, my old colleague Julie Wolcott may be working with that team soon - as soon as Julie finishes up some old business. (12 Aug 2006)
- The Powernaut has recruited a team of idealistic campus superhumans, to be his new Power Patrol. They shout with glee, when he tells them they might have their own crisis to fight. My friend Ron Cannon's signing on. (14 Aug 2006)
The conference goes on for so long, there's more news coming in.
- The U.S. Gov is interviewing villains to fight for authority, in secret locations. They talk with the superhuman crime lord Dwarf Star in the back of a thrift store somewhere. (16 Aug 2006)
- Premier superhero The Mighty Tim announces, he's taken on the mission of fighting for all the sanctioned micro-nations - like Palestine, and the Serbian Republic of Bosnia, and the American Indian entities.
- He kind of likes how our old reality gave extra protection to those places; he put a lot of effort into U.N. missions to places like those.
- The Aleutian Republic and the Free Territory of Patagonia may be next, if they can get their acts together in this reality.
- There's some support for this. Mighty Tim gets one immediate ally: a tribe member of Asante-Ghana. This tribesman used to wear a United Nations battlesuit back in the old reality, as public relations for his part of Ghana. Where we came from, California had people like that too. (17 Aug 2006)
- The Li'l Axeman from Mars, strange clone from another planet, is being rehabilitated. Sent back out to space, with a clone sister of his. (19 Aug 2006)
- Crack Hitler, asshole Nazi mystic, is also being rehabilitated. He drove the reality shift that brought the Nazis in. Now he's being sent to explore other realities. Superhumans want to beat him up, of course. (22 Aug 2006)
...Well, that's the news. With all the argument over it, it's taken a week to get this far. And more superhumans are arriving for the conference all the time. Of course, this means not only more argument over the remaining measures, but re-opening of the old issues.
So, I'm sorry, Lucianus, but I have travel plans. Whatever it is that y'all decide, either I'll live with it, or I'll hide from it. Either way, I don't need to watch the decision be made, any more than I need to watch pigs be ground up for sausage. Those who love sausage and respect a committee decision, should never watch either one being made.
I'm being hunted! Last month's world conference of superhumans are having a treasure hunt, to neutralize devices that.can cause reality shifts - and I used to own several of these. I myself am under suspicion, especially since I left the conference early.
- Some people try to get to me through my old employer. I get a message to report in for benefits - but there are posters up there for torture! Of course there's a wait, though, so I leave. (2 Sep 2006)
- Others try me through my new employer. I'm getting junk mail, spam e-mail, and phone calls from someone claiming to be the novelist Tami Hoag. She may want to publicize her work in my favorite thrift store, just like Roald Dahl did last month, but somehow I doubt it. Plenty of her books wind up in thrift stores, but she's not getting her cut. (3 Sep 2006)
- Those who know me best, find me first. Karl Scribner and the Powernaut show up in my neighborhood, along with those zealous college activist superhumans of theirs. But they can't find me immediately, because I can always sleep on a sofa in the thrift store if I really need to. (5 Sep 2006)
- The next morning I hunt my hunters! I find them in their camp (at the nearest Motel 6), and promise to tell them everything I know or learn. Good enough, for now. (6 Sep 2006)