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PART 1 OF 3!
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Vester Lockram of Brass Team Alpha looked sideways at the rest of her team. "I think this new team might just work out."
She looked back toward the new recruits. They were all women with swords. About half were six to seven feet tall, with armor - somewhat like Vester herself, only her armor was powered. The other women were mostly shorter, and dressed for fencing with rapiers.
Vester looked again toward her technician, a tall East Asian man. "Alpha, can the new team all talk together?"
"Hey, our new translation system got them here!"
The tall women all raised their swords and yelled, "Come, Meet Your Death Or Bring Me Mine!"
The shorter women were led by one dressed more like the tall women, in armor and a broadsword. She said calmly, "I am Zenobia. I have lived in your modern Earth, and I know its rules. My part of the team shall patrol with theirs." She turned to a seven-foot-tall woman among the others. "You have sworn loyalty to at least this operation, have you not??"
"I have sworn, as my name is Quasha! Never shall I break this oath!"
Quasha looked at her lieutenant. ""I have sworn, as my name is Danalee!"
They looked at the others. They all said, "I have sworn!"
... Well, mostly all. Zenobia noticed one who did not.
...
At the other end of the assemblage, Ress contemplated her options. She'd shown bravery in battle, and been acknowledged a full Daughter of Mars. This path showed great potential, even to become the Imperiatrix.
She'd found a tracker to identify creatures from dread Venus, and a weapon supposed to disrupt the Venusian minerals in their biology so as to slay them. Surely in an assemblage this size with such weird creatures, one would be from Venus. Even if it were not her own Venus, each Venus would have the same minerals. She would slay the creature from ambush, and gain final glory before ruling the Daughters of Mars.
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The ceremony started.
o o o o o o o
o o o The 2014 o o o
o o o o -->(21st Annual)<-- o o o o
o o o RACCie AWARDS! o o o
o o o o o o o
Loudspeakers said, "Welcome to the best amateur comics awards on the Internet - or at least the oldest! THESE ARE THE TWENTY-FIRST ANNUAL RACCIES!" There was polite clapping.
The curtain went up on the house band, at Stage Left. Two male singers stood front: one large and heavy-metallish, one normal-height with a mohawk. One woman in a tight silver full-body costume drummed. One man in 90's-style mask and commando outfit played a jade flute. One androgynous deejay in white, pink and purple ran a mix station. And a green-skinned alien being with long bright orange hair played electric guitar. The instrumentalists played a flourish, as the singers sang "Ohhhh Yeah!"
The loudspeaker continued. "We introduce our backing band: Imperilus, John Revolta, Tanya from Body Up, Ultimate Mercenary, Mashup Laq, and the Alien Beast! You see they come from all walks of life. This year's RACCies will be a rich and culturally-inclusive ceremony, led by a caring emcee. A spiritual man. A man famous for working with all religions. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you our Master of Ceremonies... Philippe St. Joseph Lateran!"
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A rounded, bronze woman looked over Alpha Brown's shoulder at the monitors. "This presenter isn't popular. I can see from the audience. Status report!"
Alpha looked back. "Well, Floy, one pair-patrol is escorting a drunk girl from the dressing rooms. Another is slapping down a fat guy in a t-shirt toward the back of the stands. Everyone else is reporting normal."
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The Master of Ceremonies was a short man in a fancy suit and a handlebar mustache. He walked to the microphone and shrugged. "You ask me to judge your popular culture. I judge it decrepit."
The audience grumbled. Lateran continued. "I shall of course have ample opportunity to go into detail. So let us proceed."
Lateran was about to say something else, except the band started. Their lead singer sang... "Oh I Love R! Oh I Love R-A! Oh Yes I'm Loving R-A-C-C-I-E-S! And My H-E-A-R-T Is Filled With R-A-C-C-I-E-S And I Am Gonna Host the R-A-C-C-I-E-S!"
"... Whaaat?" Lateran walked over toward the band.
"Oh Yes It's R, And Now It's R-A, And Now It's %@&!ing R-A-C-C-I-E-S..." The lead singer looked down at Lateran. "What you want, prick?"
Lateran looked back up. "Gjallar Johanssen. You have always been like a wayward nephew to me. I want you to know I am duly appointed tonight. I am the Maître des Cérémonies."
"And I want you to know yer a prick!" The lead singer looked to the audience. "Am I right?"
The audience cheered.
"And yer prick powers won't work on me!" Gjallar gloated. "So you wanna leave, or you wanna kiss my @$$?"
Lateran shrugged. "Whatever. I relieve myself of your hideous popular culture festival." He walked off stage.
"Well, ALL RIGHT!" The band played a flourish and the audience cheered again, as the singer walked to the podium.
"The prick introduced me for ya! You can call me Gjallar Johanssen! Or Imperilus! Or Exterminating Son! People call me a lot of things! But whatever else they say about me, I ain't no prick!" The band flourished again, and the deputy lead singer John Revolta sang "Oh Yeahhh!" The audience applauded.
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At the monitors, Floy Vonholt twitched. "New records coming up from our research... Oh, God! The flute in the band is a cosmic flute! And both these emcees are known war criminals in their home universe! How did they even get this far into the ceremony? And why are people even working with them?"
Alpha grinned at the monitors. "You should see the presenters."
"Oh no. Alpha Brown, prepare to activate Brass Team Alpha Security Measure Alpha! ... Did I really say that?"
"You did."
"Well, I meant it! Prepare Alpha! And get Beta ready in reserve!"
Vester tapped Floy on the shoulder. "Floy. I trust you as always. But this is a different place. Be ready on vocal override command Brass Team Alpha Security Measure Null to stand all these measures down."
"Yes, sir. But still... Brass Team Alpha Security Measure Go!"
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Gjallar Johanssen gestured in froo-froo manner, and said in outrageous accent, "As your new Maître des Cérémonies, I say..." Then he pumped his fists. "ON WITH THE SHOW!" The band rocked out.
"First, we got: RACC14, FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE! Presented by... Jet Age Pigeon??" The emcee looked on in disbelief, as a large pigeon with scarf and goggles flapped to the podium. The band played a riff from the Tiger Rag, while John Revolta sang, "Stop That Pigeon!"
The pigeon said in a chirpy voice, "Thank you. I come to you from the 1950s, the Golden Age of Animal Heroes. As you might imagine, I'm not familiar with your modern culture. That's why I rely on reviewers to show me the good stuff. I hear your group has two review titles: Kid Review's Roundup, and the Catalog of Earths. Let's find out which one's your favorite!"
He opened the envelope with his beak. "Oooh, they both are! But one of them is the runner-up... Catalog of Earths! Your winner is Kid Review's Roundup!"
The display showed: "RACC14, FAVORITE REVIEW TITLE: Kid Review's Roundup! Runner-Up: Catalog of Earths 2014! (Awards accepted by Lady Review and the Hyper-Piper of Hypergaard)"
Two people walked to the podium. The first was a normal young woman, wearing orange tunic and silver medieval breeches. The second was an ageless long-black-haired angular man, only with extra angles somehow. The first stood aside, and gestured for the second to go to the microphone. And so he did...
"Thank you. I am the hyper-being known as the Hyper-Piper. I review your heroes because I have some experience with them, more than you will ever know. This always works out best when I stand in the background as they fight the glorious battles. It pleases me no end to do so again today." He turned to the woman. "It seems Kid Review sent his companion to accept the award. So I bring you your hero, Lady Review!" The audience clapped loudly.
Lady Review stepped to the microphone. "Thank you, everyone. From what I've seen, Kid Review loves his job and he won't stop any time soon." As she stepped away, people clapped again.
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"Right! Next, RACC17, BEST DISCUSSION! Presented by... Cool! Charlie the Cabbie of Death!"
The band played "If You're Happy And You Know It..." John Revolta sang the verse, "If you're happy and you know it, pray for Death! Yay, Death!"
Two cabbies came to the stage. One said, "Oh, damnation. They confused me with Ron the Cabbie from Hell again."
The other said, "Got it. I hate that too. Where's the pub?"
Gjallar said, "Drinks for my friends backstage!"
"I like you!" Ron the Cabbie walked off stage.
Charlie the Cabbie said, "I shall join him soon. But first... You have a runner-up, which is Mind Control. Your winner is, High Concept Challenges. People are sometimes reluctant to accept gifts from Death, so I'll just leave their awards on the podium." Charlie followed Ron.
The display showed, "RACC17, BEST DISCUSSION: High Concept Challenges! Runner-Up: Mind Control! (Awards accepted by Michael Moriarty and Stephen Wolcott)"
Two middle-aged scientists walked to the podium: one in a techno-jumpsuit, one in white clothing head-to-toe except for a yellow jacket. The first said to the second, "Maybe you should speak first."
He said, "Understood..." Without a microphone, his voice amplified as an energy field activated around his head. "I am indeed Stephen Wolcott." Then the entire audience got a mental message. "But you would know me better as Ellipsis." He switched back to voice. "Unlike some within this assembly, I do not specialize in mind control. However, I know something of it." He looked at the Hyper-Piper, in the Nominee section near the stage. The Piper smirked back.
Ellipsis turned back to the audience, and continued, "But the important thing for this award is not the phenomenon, but the discussion thereof. As with any scientific discussion, suffice it that I enjoyed contributing. Now allow me to introduce your winner."
The other said into the microphone, "You know me?"
"You know yourself. I could not avoid learning..." Ellipsis turned back to the audience. "Michael Moriarty is one of your Forgotten Men, a winner of your first High Concept Challenge."
Mr. Moriarty shrugged. "You aren't the first to find out. But if you remember it tomorrow, you will be the first to do that. The other Forgotten Ones have been so forgotten, I presume they couldn't even be found for the ceremony. But at least we all led to something that people still remember today." He held his award high. "Thank you, RACCies!"
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"Next: RACC18, FAVORITE RUNNING GAG! Presented by Dark Kid Enthusiastic!"
The band played and John Revolta sang, "I'm a loser, baby, why don't you kill me..."
A teenager walked to the stage, wearing a faded black T-shirt showing the words "Slaughter County Brewing Company", and black pajama pants. Gjallar said, "Hey, kid, I like yer style."
"Whatever."
"... Ain't you supposed to be enthusiastic or something?"
"Yeah, maybe... for darkness and death and stuff."
"Well, okay! Yer my kind of enthusiastic!" The band played a riff from Chopin's Funeral March. "Enjoy the running gags then!"
"Whatever..." Dark Kid Enthusiastic opened the envelope. "You have a runner-up gag. It's adorable kid heroes. Oh, gag me." He made a gagging motion. "And the winner is, an LNH comic being late." He shrugged. "Now that's a running gag."
The display showed: "RACC18, FAVORITE RUNNING GAG: LNH v2 #50 Coming Out Two Years Late! Runner-Up: Adorable Kid Versions of Adult Heroes in Powernaut 1969! (Accepted by Toony Stork and Wyatt Ferguson)"
A grown man with a goatee, holding what looked like a glass of whiskey on the rocks, got to the microphone first. He said, "Well, excuse us for being late. But we were in time to save the universe. As Irony Man, I know that's what the Legion of Net.Heroes does!" Clapping came from the LNH galleries.
A little boy with long hair and a wide-brimmed hat climbed the steps to the stage more slowly. The man looked at the boy and said, "Well, that's ironic. Have I ever told you all about the time I got turned into Teen Toony?" The audience was silent. "Ah, it probably got retconned anyway."
"Yeah, the old Retcon gag since we're talking about gags," said Dark Kid Enthusiastic.
Toony responded, "Enthusiastic, I think I like you better this way." Then he turned the other way, as Li'l Wyatt tugged on Toony's sleeve. "Hey, kid, what do you want?"
Wyatt said, "Gee, mister, that drink looks cool 'n' refreshing. C'n I have a taste?"
Dark Kid Enthusiastic suddenly turned enthusiastic. "Oh, I love this one! It's the I Love Booze gag!"
Toony responded, "What, for this old gag you're suddenly enthusiastic again?"
"Well, if we're really lucky someone will get drunk, have an accident, and be horribly maimed!"
"Uh, yeah, wouldn't that be ironic."
Gjallar yelled, "Keep it movin', guys! Kid! No, not you! Dark Kid! Give 'em their awards already!"
"Okay. Here." Dark Kid Enthusiastic shoved the awards at Toony and Wyatt. They each looked at the titles, and then silently swapped as the presenter said, "Well, excuse me for getting you two confused."
Li'l Wyatt smirked as he said, "I c'n give you one way to tell us 'part." His face covered over with a death's head mask.
Dark Kid Enthusiastic goggled and exclaimed, "Cool! Can I get your autograph?"
Gjallar snickered. "Hey, Dark Kid. Y'know yer acting like a groupie over a cute kid hero, right?"
"Right! A cute kid hero of Death!"
"Well, if yer fawning over cuteness and death, don't ya have to be darkness and light?"
"Hmmm... I do!" Dark Kid Enthusiastic started shimmering. His Gothic black clothes turned into white beach pants and a white LNH t-shirt. Kid Enthusiastic was back.
Toony said, "Oh, I think I'll miss the Dark Kid." He raised his glass in a toast, then took a sip.
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"Now: THE DOCTOR STOMPER BRONZE BOOT FOR EXCELLENCE IN EXPOSITION! Presented by, uh, a nameless woman from Monster Bee World!"
The band played a peppy Blondie song and John Revolta sang, "Giant bees from space, snuff the human race, la la la la la, la la la la la!"
A woman stomped up to the microphone. She said, "It's not Monster Bee World. And I Have A Name."
"Oh, yeah? What is it then?"
"Sybilla! ... No, that's not it! What's going on?"
"I bet yer about to find out! But could ya get the award done first?"
"Uh... Okay, this award is, I don't know, some kind of boot expo. There's one runner-up, Nonfiction #4. And there's one winner, Nonfiction #3."
The display showed: "THE DOCTOR STOMPER BRONZE BOOT FOR EXCELLENCE IN EXPOSITION: Nonfiction #3 (The New War)! Runner-Up: Nonfiction #4 (Top Five Explanations for Ranovia)! (Accepted by the Pulse Collective and Baron von Ranov)"
A large man with a small crown, an opera cape, and a big red mustache walked toward the podium. But a hologram of thousands of tiny indistinguishable faces appeared there first. It said, "Earthlings, your offense against us is not yet resolved."
The man yelled back, "Enemies of Earth! Ranovia stands against you! So sayeth Baron von Ranov!"
Gjallar Johanssen over-yelled them all. "Whatever! Do you want yer awards or not?"
The Baron said, "Yes, please." The aliens said, "It is our due."
The woman handed them their awards. Then a giant bee carried her off.
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Ress had found one creature from Venus in the assembly. He was on stage, with the band!
She needed freedom to act. She knocked out her Earthling companion, with a blow to the back to the neck.
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Gjallar continued, "Now here's a cute one. It's THE "SPIDER SPINS!" LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD! So we got a cute presenter! I introduce to you Narok, King of Dragons, Destroyer of Heavens, For Whom All the Stars Of Our Galaxy Are Like Specks Upon His Tail!"
The ceiling broke open. So did the skies. The Galaxy unfurled, and took the shape of a dragon. That dragon spoke in a voice like thunder.
"I greet you, sir, for I am come here now.
Be it now known, I come to you to judge.
Your finest writings stand before me here.
And here and now shall judgment 'pon them fall."
Brass Team Alpha manned the security monitors. Floy asked, "Security Measure Alpha?"
Vester responded, "I guess that's safe."
"Alpha Go!" Alpha Brown pressed a button.
Everyone in the auditorium got seat-belted. The stage slid inward and the seats slid up, row by row, to stack atop each other. The outside hallways uncoiled into arms and legs. The security control room slid up to form the head. The stadium stood erect, transformed into a giant robot.
People cheered. The dragon just looked down.
"Oh, please. I bid you cease before you fail.
Because I come in judgment, doom to give.
Or glory for a few fine chosen ones."
In the control room, Alpha asked, "What now, Floy??" And Floy asked, "What now, Vester?"
But the band had its own idea. It started playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" on flute and xylophone and deejay mix. John Revolta sang...
"Half a pound of really cheap rice,
Half a pound of Crisco..."
The dragon turned and noticed a barrier behind it. It flamed and bellowed in rage, but the barrier held and expanded to a cube around it.
"That's the way the dragon gets caged,
Pop goes the dragon!"
The dragon-constellation disappeared. A small jack-in-the-box dropped onto the podium.
Gjallar Johanssen ran to the band, and high-fived the Ultimate Mercenary. "Dude!"
"Oh, man! The flute worked!" The Ultimate Mercenary turned toward Tanya the drummer. "But the Jade Xylophone helped too!"
Tanya raised two xylophone sticks, with an vengeful glint in her eye.
Gjallar said, "Riiight. But we got an award to give. I think only our presenter has the envelope. And that was the dragon. How we gonna get that done?"
Ultimate Mercenary said, "Try turning the crank on that jack-in-the-box."
" Excellent!" Gjallar went back to the podium and turned the crank. The jack-in-the-box said...
" RACC has made the ballots all count,
" And now we have a winner.
" The Runner-Up's the Eyrie Archive,
" The LNH Wiki wins it!"
The display showed: "SPIDER SPINS / LITTLE LULU WEB PAGE AWARD: LNH Wiki! Runner-Up: Eyrie Archive! (Awards accepted by Wiki Boy and FAQ Boy)"
Wiki Boy and FAQ Boy took the podium together. "You know I don't actually run the Wiki, I just have Wiki powers, right?"
FAQ Boy said, "I know."
"Okay then. I'm in awe of the people who do run the Wiki, because Wiki powers are an awesome thing. Thanks!"
FAQ Boy said, "And I'm glad people appreciate the FAQ still. Thanks!"
... The jack-in-the-box disappeared. Gjallar said, "Huh?"
Ultimate Mercenary said, "Even the Flute couldn't hold him long. He had his own fate somewhere else."
Tanya played and John Revolta sang, "Pop Goes the Dragon!"
Gjallar said, "... Hey, was that all really all over some LNH fact page and some archive?"
Ultimate Mercenary said, "Hey, if you're lucky cosmic forces don't care what you do. You probably best not care what they do."
Gjallar said, "Got it." Tanya played a drum riff.
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PART 2 OF 3!
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The heavy-metal emcee Gjallar Johanssen turned to the audience. "So you noticed, yer all riding the coolest ride ever! It's a robot the size of a stadium! Am I right?" The crowd cheered.
At Brass Team Alpha HQ: "Oh, man, this guy's working the crowd! What's he planning?"
"He's an emcee. Working the crowd is what he does. And he beats the one the ceremony gave us. Maybe for once we're all on the same side."
And so the stadium did a victory shake before it laid back down. The band flourished, "Oh Yeahhh!"
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"Now we got the Writer Awards! Right to the good stuff! RACC1, FAVORITE WRITER! Presented by... well, I guess this woman saw Jesus once. Here's Mary McLean!" The band played and John Revolta sang, "Mary she loved Jesus, but not like others did, for she had a special bottle in which our Savior hid!"
A nondescript woman who looked like she'd come from a New York City office came on stage. "It wasn't just Jesus! It was Noah and Moses and Samson too!"
Gjallar rolled his eyes. "Right... The guy who wrote that must be up for an award."
"Yes! He's a she, but every Writer's up for this award! But the winner is... Oh my God, there's runners-up too! It's like God's assembling another team to save us all!"
"Grrr, I oughta..." Gjallar Johanssen spun around as someone tapped on his shoulder. "Mashup Laq. What you want?"
"Maybe I'd better talk to Mary."
"Maybe you better." Gjallar stepped aside.
"Now, Mary... I guess since you saw Jesus you found religion, right?"
"Right!! Well, I always believed, but with Him around it was just so true, you know?"
"That's nice, Mary. I'd like to learn how your Supreme Being will mash up all these heroes, uh, Writers, in his plan to save us all."
Mary looked suspicious. "Mash them up?"
"Err, team them up."
Mary's eyes lit up. "Right! First the Three Runners-Up of Destiny shall inspire the world to greatness!"
"Okay... What are their names, the better for us to know them when they show their powers to the world?"
"Adrian McClure, Andrew Perron, and Wil Alambre!"
"Now, let me guess... The Winner of Wonder shall form these others into a team, a sort of mighty medley that combines their awesome abilities!"
"That's right!!!"
"And the name of the winner?"
Mary yelled in joyful voice, "Tom Russell!!!!!"
From the band stage, a flute played. And John Revolta said in deadpan voice, "I think the prophecies are almost fulfilled. The Majestic McClure merely needs to merge into the Mighty Medley."
"Oh my God! It's a miracle!!! I need to go get ready for the Rapture!" Mary ran off stage.
Gjallar shrugged, and turned to Mashup Laq. "Kid, can ya give out the awards for this one?"
"Call me Laq. But I got it..."
As four heroes walked on stage to accept, the display showed:
"RACC1, FAVORITE WRITER: Tom Russell! Runners-Up: Wil Alambre, Andrew Perron, Adrian McClure! (Awards accepted by Martin Rock, the Super Wizard from Space, Kid Enthusiastic, and Doc Nostalgia)"
Martin Rock said, "Huh. It's weird to be a favorite. Especially from someone like Mary. But I think we could all get used to it someday. Thank you."
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"Next: RACC16, FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC! Presented by... I guess we just call him The Great Alice's Mysterious Sponsor!"
Something came on stage. People could see where it was, but no one could see it. It said, "No one sees your Writers either. So I shall represent them well here. Your winner is... It's a tie!"
The display showed, RACC16, FAVORITE PERSON WHO HANGS OUT ON RACC: TIE! Andrew Perron and Scott Eiler! (Awards accepted by Kid Review and Kristi Halsted the Animal Woman)
A large robot marched on stage, carrying a man in orange tunic and silver breeches on one shoulder, and a young short robust woman on the other. A microphone dropped down from the ceiling to let them both speak.
Kid Review started. "Just like old times, Kristi! Remember those 2010 RACCies?"
"I do, Kid! I'm not my Writer's favorite now, but he sent me anyway 'cause he was nostalgic!"
"So, do we still know how to share an award?"
"We do!" They both put a hand on the one award. Each hand came away holding its own award.
They said together, "Thanks!"
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Brass Team Alpha manned the security monitors. Floy Vonholt cursed. "$#!+! The presenters are showing cosmic powers at will! What else could go wrong now?"
Alpha Brown shrugged. "Well, Ress is AWOL. Her companion got knocked out and lost track of her!"
Floy yelled, "Quasha! Report! Where is Ress??"
"She has broken off. So has my companion Zenobia."
Exie Gudrun, close quarters combat specialist, spoke up. "I saw the profiles. I think Ress needs a hug... Suiting up!"
Ransom Speculoos, nanocybernetic biology specialist, stepped forward. "Wait, Exie. Alpha and I have a special armor for this occasion."
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"Here we have: RACC19, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR! Presented by.. Marian the sword-warrior and Rendar the wolf! Cool!" A woman (with pointy ears and a sword) and a big wolf walked on stage.
Gjallar said, "That wolf sure is well trained. I usually gotta keep mine on leashes."
The wolf growled. The warrior-maiden translated, "Rendar says I'm the one who's trained."
Gjallar rolled his eyes up. "I hear that. Got an award for us?"
"Uh... You have at least some respect for animals. I suppose I shall announce your award for you." Marian opened the envelope. "We have... a winner and three runners-up."
As she continued reading, the display showed "RACC19, MOST IMPROVED AUTHOR: Wil Alambre! Runners-up James Mason, Andrew Perron, and Jochem Vandersteen! (Awards accepted by Vaso the Super Wizard, the Great Alice, Dynamite Radical Kid Enthusiastic, and Quentin Alexander)"
Two men and two teenage girls came up on stage. As they cautiously walked past the wolf and quietly accepted their awards, Gjallar said, "Now that's how to do it! But wait... Weren't there four of them?"
Marian still held one award. Dynamite Radical Kid Enthusiastic was petting the wolf. As Marian handed her the award, the Kid said, "Oh wow, you two are so cool and you're new here! But there's always room for improvement! That's why I love this group and so does my Writer! I'm pretty sure all the Writers are the same way!"
The other three awardees nodded their heads.
(Marian and Rendar brought to you by dchmelik.deviantart.com/. )
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"Now: RACC20, FAVORITE NEW WRITER! Presented by... Well, all right! Steffi Brock!"
A tomboyish little girl with twin ponytails walked to the stage.
Gjallar said, "Huh? I thought we were getting Canada's sexiest meteorologist here!"
"Uhh... My mom told me not to talk to people like you."
"Whatever." Gjallar pointed at the microphone and grinned. "Need help getting up there, little girl?"
"Nope." Steffi reached up, grabbed the microphone, and brought it down. "I guess I'm new here, so that's why they picked me to give this award. So here are your awardees..." She opened the envelope. "Just one winner. Colin Stokes!"
The display showed, "RACC20, FAVORITE NEW WRITER: Colin Stokes! (accepted by Vivian the stylist from Salon DYAL)"
A glamorous hair stylist in a long-sleeved black t-shirt with shoulders cut off, black pants, and flowing shimmery dress around them, came on stage. As she looked at Steffi, she gasped in alarm. "No, no, no! You should be wearing air colors! The blue jeans are fine, but that red shirt has got to go! And the hair just needs to grow up!"
Steffi looked skeptical. "Uh, you know I'm not a grown-up, right?"
"Right, but you're still a fashion disaster!"
Gjallar chimed in, "Yah, maybe. Got any words of advice for the rest of us?"
"Just... Stay in touch with yourselves, and thanks for your support!" Vivian accepted the award from Steffi, and walked off stage.
(Salon DYAL brought to you by deucexmachina.deviantart.com/gallery/36398536/D-Verse/. )
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"Now it's THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP! Where I come from, we call that the Whatsisname Award! Y'know, that guy who writes some of us once a week or so!" The band flourished. "But there's some people who do two web comics a week, and we got someone from one of those to come present here! Presenting today, Mister Farnsworth, Butler to Detectives!" The band played from "Watching the Detectives".
A butler came on stage with a tray holding a teapot, a teacup, and a flask. "Thank you, sir. Would you fancy a cup?"
"Depends what's in that flask!"
"We have here the Glenfiddich of 1885."
"Yum!" Gjallar Johanssen grabbed the flask and drained it.
"... Quite. It has matured only twelve years, but I am confident this has not affected your enjoyment, sir."
"You bet!"
"Yes, sir. Now, on to the award... Oh, I have some excitement for you, sir."
Gjallar raised his pinky as he held the empty flask of Scotch whiskey. "Oh, please do tell."
"The award has a runner-up this year, sir, by the name of Andrew Perron."
"And whom might the winner be?"
"My master believes he might be your same Whatsisname... an individual infamous on your Interwebs under the name of Scott Eiler."
"Aww, crap! I was bettin' on Arthur!"
At the stage, the band flourished and John Revolta sang, "Wah wah..."
The display showed: "THE RABBIT-BREEDER'S CUP: Winner: Scott Eiler! Runner-Up: Andrew Perron! (Accepted by Wyatt Ferguson and Kid Enthusiastic)"
Kid Enthusiastic (now non-dark) and Wyatt Ferguson (now grown-up and absent death's head) walked to the stage together. Wyatt said, "I know the Powernaut takes all the credit for regular breeding out of my, ahem, barns. So you'd think he'd be here today. But accepting this award seems more like my job somehow. And this guy gets a lot of the credit for whatever you're tracking for "rabbit-breeding", because he actually likes this stuff. That's practically a superpower right there." Wyatt pointed at Kid Enthusiastic.
"Thanks, Wyatt! Your Artist puts out cartoons like he loves it instead of trying to make money at it! Your Writer still writes stories here, more than some of the old regulars! And he still feeds stuff into LNH comics like no one else does unless they write the stories themselves! And he comments on what other people write!"
They said together, "Thanks!"
The band played and John Revolta sang, "Kum Ba Yah, My Lord..."
Farnsworth the butler said, "... Ehh, quite. Perhaps you might proceed to the next award, Mister Johanssen."
Gjallar had just counted to three on his fingers, and was contemplating one more. He said at the audience, "Now is that four Whatsisame Awards, or only three?" Then he turned to the butler and changed his tone. "Yes, perhaps we might proceed now." He retracted his other fingers but still stuck out his pinky - and turned to the audience while pumping his fist. "Am I right?"
The audience cheered. Farnsworth responded, "Very good, sir."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Gjallar continued. "Here's a good one: THE JOHNNY SOKKO 'COME BACK, GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK' LOVING CUP: Presented by: The Sphinx!"
The stage broke open again. The real Sphinx appeared, and malevolently glared its head down upon the crowd. "I desire to come back too. Have you a Loving Cup for me?"
The band played and John Revolta sang, "Walk like an Egyptian!"
At Brass Team Alpha... "Aw, $#!+. That Sphinx is possessed! Security Measure Beta Go!"
"Really? You're weaponizing the Moon to vaporize the Sphinx??"
"You bet! We got one of those Super Wizards to help us! Four seconds... Three... Two..."
"Abort!"
"Aw, crap... Re-aim!"
A beam of light sizzled through the sky above the Sphinx. The crowd cheered. The Sphinx blinked, and said, "I see you have fireworks for me. That shall have to suffice. Anyway, it's fortunate I can see inside your award envelope from here. Your awardees are... Hey, didn't that absent person win awards for his writing earlier in this ceremony?"
As the Sphinx read, the display said: "THE JOHNNY SOKKO "COME BACK, GIANT ROBOT, COME BACK" LOVING CUP: Wil Alambre! Runner-Up: Jamie Rosen! (Awards accepted by The Good Dog and Billy Kidman)"
A dog with a cape flew to the podium. He barked "Woof! Woof!!", picked up his award with his teeth, and hovered as a man came to the microphone.
The man said, "Thank you. I'm Billy Kidman, also known as Template. I go back so far, I was around when Eightfold Comics started. I'm impressed you still think of me and my writer. Thanks!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Ress had gotten into position to destroy the Venus beast. He was luridly green-skinned and orange-haired, as befitted Dread Venus. He was on stage, manipulating some device which produced throbbing noises, as part of the ceremony. But that would not save him. She took an ambush position and made her shot.
The blast disrupted some Earthly materials as it slashed across the stage. But the Venus beast dodged the deadly bolt! He extended claws, and said, "Rrrressss!"
Ress ran. She wondered, how could this beast know her? Some sort of mental sense? Who could know what powers a dread Venus-creature might have?
But she found a woman blocking her way, wielding a sword. "I am Zenobia. I know the thing you hunt. By ancient compact I am its ally."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Back on the stage, the Ultimate Mercenary noticed the blast. His ninja skills told him, the target had been his band-mate. His team-mate.
He turned to Mashup Laq. "Our friend just got attacked! Whatever Legion this is, do we respond?"
Mashup Laq put his hand on UM's shoulder and said, "I bet we do." Then he moved over to Tanya, and put his hand on her shoulder. "Do we?"
Tanya said, "Hell, yes!" The Ultimate Mercenary was already on the move. Tanya followed.
"Ooohh... You and UM. And then there're your friends. I got the Mash." He took a moment, and gestured toward the galleries. "Legion 20! Do we respond?"
Some, like January Frost and Mentus the Mouse, just shrugged. But Doc Nostalgia said, "Yes! Long Last the Legion!" Most of the Legion charged out behind him.
Mashup Laq turned to the main LNH gallery. "UM is one of your own! Do you fight beside him?"
Most said, "Who?" But the Ultimate Ninja said, "Yes! Lengthy Linger the Legion!" He and a team of Legionnaires charged out.
Mashup Laq turned to the SW10 gallery. "One of yours was attacked! Do you fight beside him?"
Psychovant the Duck rested with his webbed feet on the balcony. He said, "Ha Ha Ha! This is hilarious!" Powernaut 1969 sat beside him and shrugged.
But Powernaut 1912 was there too! He said, "We will fight beside the innocent!" He jumped down and charged, with a regimental flag saying "SW10". Powernaut 2005 flew down and followed him. Others joined that heroic wave.
On stage, Gjallar Johanssen said, "Hey, no startin' the fight without me!" He ran after the heroes. A cameraman followed. The monitor cut to that camera scene.
At Brass Team Headquarters... "Oh, $#!+!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
PART 3 OF 3!
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Vester Lockram yelled, "Brass Team Alpha Update! Floy! Where's Ress??"
"Cornered! Swarms of heroes around her! Quasha's broken off to defend her! Exie! You ready?"
"Engaging now... Hug armor activated!"
Vester and Floy said blankly together, "'Hug armor'??"
"Well, yeah! That's what Alpha and Ransom gave me for this mission!"
Exie Gudrun's electronic suit emitted a fuzzy pink force field in the shape of her body, lifting her off the floor. As she walked toward the center of the confrontation, dumbfounded heroes and warriors stood aside.
"Yes!!" Back in headquarters, Alpha Brown and Ransom Speculoos high-fived each other. "Theta radiation output working!"
"Don't get too cocky," Vester cautioned. "It still has to work on the people who started the fight."
At the center of the melee, Quasha had been crossing swords with Zenobia while Ress desperately dodged the Alien Beast. They all came to a standstill, as the big pink fuzzy powered armor approached Ress.
Exie spread her big fuzzy arms wide.
A tear came to one of Ress's eyes. She rushed to Exie's embrace.
Zenobia smiled, sheathed her sword, and said to Quasha, "I believe this fight is over."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
The heavy metal emcee Gjallar Johanssen came back on stage and said, "Awww, action and cuteness all in one ceremony! That's RACCies for you! Am I right?" The audience cheered.
He continued, "Now I hear you love your Writers - but it's all about what they write! Am I right?" The audience cheered. "These are those awards! First, RACC2, FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES! This one's presented by... Hot Damn! Salsa the Kinky Roommate and her Fapmaster Fapatron Fap-Thousand! Lemme know if you ever need a real man, babe!"
The monitor flashed "ACRA". A woman in lingerie came on stage, dragging a giant dildo with industrial-strength electric cables. "Uh, are you sure I'm even part of this group?"
"You got my permission, babe! Go for it!"
"Okay... You said, Oncoming Series?"
"OnGOING Series, babe!"
"Aww, I was getting so excited. But anyway..." Salsa opened the envelope. "Oooh, it's a Mighty Medley! That's a euphemism for something, right?"
Gjallar snickered. "You could say that... and these fine ladies will show you what it is!"
The monitor said, "RACC2, FAVORITE ONGOING SERIES: Mighty Medley! Award accepted by Darkhorse, Joan Smith, and Bastet!" A superheroine, a female angel, and a cat-goddess walked on stage.
Salsa said, "Oooh! I'm sorry, ladies, but there's only one award! We'll have to decide which one of you gets to, heh heh, hold it! I know a game we could play..."
Bastet said, "No need. We have protocols for this." The three each put a hand on the award. It became three awards! The cat-goddess continued, "And there's one in here for everyone who contributed to the series! We'd like to thank them all!"
As the three walked off stage, Salsa said, "Oh, poo."
(Salsa the Kinky Roommate brought to you by www.justwannadopornwebcomics.com/. )
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"Next, RACC3, FAVORITE MINI-SERIES! Presented by the Guardian of Paragon City! Dude!" A large white-bearded man in caped tunic walked on stage, with a battle staff. "What's your name?"
"My name is meaningless outside our City. There were many of us, of many names and species. I remain only in memory of those who observed us."
"Oh, bummer about that... Can you help us out today at least?"
"Indeed. I come here to observe your finest short sagas. I believe you call them Mini-Series."
"Yeah, that's it. So, what are the finest?"
The Guardian opened an envelope. "You have runners-up, including one Cascade. But forever shall I respect your dead: one Trophy Wife, and one Red Hart!"
The monitor said, "RACC3, FAVORITE MINI-SERIES: The Red Hart! RUNNERS-UP: Death of Trophy Wife, and Just Another Cascade! Accepted by the Red Hart, Trophy Wife, and Irony Monger!"
The Red Hart went to the stage and said, "I thank you, for what little it will do."
Behind him, Trophy Wife stated demurely, "I'm sure my new friend doesn't mean to dismiss this fine award. It's just that when we face Death, things are different for us."
Irony Monger said, "Indeed. My own Legion faces oblivion... But thanks!"
The Guardian said, "I face that now also."
Gjallar shrugged and rolled his eyes... "Would y'all like a group hug or something?"
Trophy Wife responded, "Good idea." She wrapped her arms around the Guardian, Irony Monger, and the Red Hart.
Gjallar looked on. "Okaaay, I s'pose this was my idea, and I'm glad it works for you... NEXT AWARD, PLEASE!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"... Phew. Here we have RACC4, FAVORITE ARC! Presented by some Aquaman dude named the Sea Questor!" A man with scaled armor and pirate headgear walked on stage, munching a Twinkie. Gjallar asked, "Got enough for everyone??"
"Nay! All this golden fermentable treasure shall be my own!"
"Whatever... What arc you got for us?"
"I sink arks!"
"Not that kind of arc, dude."
"Oh, right..." The Sea Questor opened his envelope. "We have but one clear winner this year! He be named General Dragutin!"
The monitor said, "RACC4, FAVORITE ARC: The Red Hand of General Dragutin!"
General Dragutin came up from the Nominee section. "Ah! You recognize me for my work to benefit the Galaxy!"
"... Aye, General! I do not know yer Galaxy, but I know yer type! Ye Generals may try to wipe my kind out, but I do recognize ye!"
As they glared at each other, Gjallar yelled, "Take It Outside! NEXT AWARD, PLEASE!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"We're gettin' on the important stuff. Now, RACC5, FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE! For our presenter, we picked someone with awesome skills of observation: FBI agent Marcia Tatum!" A woman in business suit and skirt walked on stage, while the band played and John Revolta sang, "Secret Agent Woman!"
Gjallar snickered. "So, Agent Tatum, have you found the secret of Octo-Boy yet?"
"Why do you ask? Octo-Boy's not under observation!"
"Right... Well, be my guest!" Gjallar gestured at the microphone.
"Thanks, I think." Marcia Tatum opened the envelope. "We have one clear winner! It's Legion of Net Heroes Volume 2 Number 50! Congratulations on your anniversary issue!"
The display showed, "RACC5, FAVORITE SINGLE ISSUE: Legion of Net Heroes Volume 2 Number 50! Accepted by Masterplan Lad!" The audience clapped wildly as Masterplan Lad came on stage.
At the microphone... "Oh. I am so much not the right one to accept this award. With all the time travel nonsense that went into this story, it's impossible to tell who should accept it."
But one big gallery had the Legion of Net.Heroes. They started cheering, "Do It! Do It!"
Neighboring galleries had their offshoots, the Legion-Y, the Legion-20, and the All-New Legion. They cheered, "Do It!"
All the galleries started cheering. "Do It! Do It!"
Masterplan Lad finally took the award. He cried as he said, "Thanks!" He held the award high, as the audience applauded for two minutes.
Finally a pair of women from the security staff escorted him off stage, as the audience still applauded.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Gjallar shrugged. "Ooookay. I wasn't expecting that. But I'm glad you all had your sentimental moment... Next, RACC6, FAVORITE HERO/PROTAGONIST! Presented by Dr. Tune-On-Turn-In-Drop-Out!"
A hippie in sunglasses, a tunic, and bell-bottom pants came on stage. He said, "Oh wow. You so love your heroes." The audience clapped politely.
The Doctor opened the award enveloped, and looked closely at the paper. "Wow. It is so impressive how you love your heroes so equally. You even include Death and the Devil." The audience was silent.
"... Anyway, you have one winner: an avatar of Puns!" The audience clapped politely. "And three runners-up, representing the Devil, Enthusiasm, and Death! What a team!" There was louder clapping, as the awardees all came on stage.
The monitor simply echoed, "RACC6, FAVORITE HERO/PROTAGONIST: Painful Pun Person! RUNNERS-UP: The Diabolical Devilman, Kid Enthusiastic, and Poignant Death Lass!"
The Doctor started to give the awards one by one. "Painful Pun Person, you must have turned the tide of battle in the award we just gave..."
Painful Pun Person responded, "Yes! With Poignant Death Lass! There was so much battle, I'm not even sure what we did anymore! But we were there, with the LNH! But we connected to energies together! This LNH, and even beyond! So WE ALL WIN!"
The Doctor squinted (behind sunglasses) and said, "Yes! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ENERGIES! They make you all interconnected! I see it now! As the Writers pass custody of you, one to another, your power increases! I see you are all in the web of Writers who have done that! So come take your awards together!"
The Diabolical Devilman said, "Even me?"
"Yes! Especially you!"
As Painful Pun Person and Poignant Death Lass held their awards high together, Kid Enthusiastic and then the Diabolical Devilman touched their own awards to them. A rainbow erupted out, to swerve and bathe the auditorium.
As the rainbow faded, Painful Pun Person said, "Well, we've saved the world from Dorfs. I'm going to Dorf-free-land."
Poignant Death Lass said, "At times like this I actually miss Horrible Name Lad."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"Now, RACC7, FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST! Presented by Ms. Telemachus from the Ohio School!"
A frizzy-haired narrow-headed teacher with glasses came on stage. She turned to Gjallar and said, "You were a naughty boy in school, weren't you?"
"Damn straight!" The band played a riff from "Bad to the Bone."
"Well, antagonism is simply a paradigm and it can be transformed. I've come here to present a Villain Award for precisely that purpose."
"Okaaay! Knock yourself out!"
"Thank you, young man, I will. I'm sure this assembly has at least one person who's been naughty enough to deserve special notice..." She opened her envelope. "Is Sedenion here? Sedenion the Never-Lord?"
And so the display showed: "RACC7, FAVORITE VILLAIN/ANTAGONIST: Sedenion the Never-Lord!"
A ghost arose from everyone in the arena. It said:
"You name me villain, but I was your friend.
I took on power just to save mankind.
If but I had survived, you all would know,
The Never-Lord was hero best of all."
Ms. Telemachus said, "Oh. I see. Your antagonism's already been transformed into universal life force... Well then!" She handed the ghost the award.
The ghost said, "I thank you for this one last gift of praise." He dissolved, along with his award, back into the audience.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"Next, RACC8, FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER! For this we got a special presenter: Bneezl the Saucer Alien!"
A short thin green alien with a big head, big eyes, and antennae walked on stage. "Thank you, Earthling. I secretly support Earth stability in my universe, like my father did before me. So I am pleased to present this award." He touched the envelope to his antennae. "The winner is..."
And the display showed, "RACC8, FAVORITE SUPPORTING CHARACTER: Lydia Devin!"
Lydia walked to the microphone. "You know, my life kind of sucks. So it's kind of a relief to be part of someone else's life story. It's kind of hard for me to say this, but... Thanks for still thinking of me." She turned to the alien. "And thanks for keeping this drama-free."
"I thank you for that also, Goddess."
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"Here we have, RACC9, FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER! For this one we got a guy who knows all the old characters! And he's so good at keeping things going, he got his own award earlier tonight! Now to give out an award, here's... FAQ Boy!"
A normal guy in street clothes walked on stage. "Hey, it's good to win something and help do the ceremony." He opened the envelope. "Just one winner!"
And the display showed, "RACC9, FAVORITE NEW CHARACTER: Painful Pun Person!"
Painful Pun Person came back on stage. "Wow! I said it all earlier, but... thanks again!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"Now we got RACC10. It's a new award: FAVORITE TEAM/GROUP! And I'd like to point out, this band is eligible for next year's award!" The band flourished. "Our presenter is, The White Boomer!"
A man in a white costume walked to stage, holding sheets of poster board. He silently scribbled on them with a marker, then held them up as signs. The display zoomed in on him.
"Huh? What's this All-New Legion of Net.Heroes?" "They win!" "But we have runners-up!"
The display showed, "RACC10, FAVORITE TEAM/GROUP: The All-New Legion of Net.Heroes! Runners-Up: Salon DYAL, the Dyzen'thari, and the Dorfs!"
All-New Kid Enthusiastic, Vivian the stylist, and a man in comic-opera military uniform walked on stage. But before they could get to the microphone, the arena broke open once more. A horrible mass of tentacles erupted out. An unearthly voice said, "You make sacrifice to us."
All-New Kid Enthusiastic quipped back, "Yeah, runner-up sacrifice!"
Gjallar joined in, "Yeah! Like sacrificin' yer sister!"
"Nonetheless we take our due." One tentacle grabbed a runner-up award as the creature withdrew.
All-New Kid turned to the Dorf representative. "Hey, no taking notes on how to summon that thing!"
"...oh. Of course not." The Dorf took his runner-up award and left.
All-New Kid turned to Vivian. "Congratulations! It's so good to see Salon DYAL here!"
"It's great to be here, All-New Kid! Thank you, everyone! But I could see you in water colors..."
"Yeah, that'd work. But I just gotta say, it's great to be here too! Thanks, everyone!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"Oh, goody. We got RACC11, FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY! We searched far and wide for the right person to present this fine award. And we came up with, A Lazy Pirate Who Got Beat Up By A Mouse Sidekick!"
An old man with ragged pirate clothing, an eyepatch, a wooden leg, and a hook hobbled on stage.
Gjallar shrugged. "I guess y'had to be there at the right moment for the comedy to work... Take over, guy!"
"Arrr, thank ye..." The pirate ripped the envelope open with his hook. "Ye have a winner and two runners-up!"
The display showed, "RACC11, FAVORITE PARODY/COMEDY: Easily Discovered Man! Runners-Up: Cover Gallery and Just Another Cascade! (Accepted by Easily Discovered Man Lite, Master MIME, and LAN.os)
A normally-dressed man (only glowing), an Japanese-style humanoid anime character, and a large strutting alien man came on stage. The glowing man got to the microphone first, and spoke... "Uh, I suppose my powers are funny enough to laugh at. I learned to live with that long ago. So, I thank you for your accolades."
The alien spewed... "Speak for yourself, Earth human! LAN.os is no laughing matter! Once I gain the love of The Goddess, I shall bring the universe under my boot heel!"
Meanwhile, the anime creature quietly built a tower of alphanumeric characters.
Gjallar said, "Hey, Lanos, lemme get this straight. Yer chasin' after some woman?"
"No! She is not 'just some woman'! She is the personification of power!"
"But she's still woman, right?"
"Right! She is Ultimate Woman!"
Gjallar pointed and yelled, "You's WHIPPED, Boy! You's a Slave of 4*$$%!!" LAN.os reeled before the devastating insult as the band flourished.
Meanwhile the anime creature's alphanumeric tower had reached above the stage. Gjallar walked over. "Hey, you. Master Mime. Which number's biggest?"
The anime creature's eyes goggled. Then he raced up the tower.
Gjallar pulled a Zero from the base. The tower collapsed, bringing the creature down with it.
The pirate had given Easily Discovered Man Lite his award. Gjallar shoved the runner-up trophies at the others. "NEXT AWARD, PLEASE!"
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Gjallar paused a moment, and turned his head to the left as if listening to something. Then he turned back to the audience. "News from the judges! We are gonna present THREE AWARDS AT ONCE! Are You Ready??" The audience cheered.
"But we still got three presenters! Here's some good stuff... RACC12, FAVORITE ACTION/ADVENTURE! Presented by the Penultimate Savior!"
A man came on stage, in a ninja outfit covered in a field of white stars. He said, "The universes are filled with action. They're made of action, from the molecular level on up. I will present the comic which best exemplifies that action."
Gjallar looked on dubiously. "Hey, if yer the Penultimate Savior, shouldn't you be giving a second-best award?"
"Indeed. This is a category in which second-best often still inspires awe. Your ceremony must have called upon me for precisely that reason. Yet... I somehow sense that lack! You have but One Winner!"
"Wait for it... The next award is deep in the good stuff! Here's RACC13, FAVORITE DRAMA/ACRAPHOBE! Presented by Tina Wazowie, Representative to the Galaxy!"
A young woman walked to the microphone. "Y'know, that didn't work out well?"
"Oh, like I never F'd up." The band flourished.
"Thanks. Anyway..."
"Wait for it! We got one more award: RACC21, FAVORITE NEW TITLE! For this one, we had Godling send a New Hekatoncheire robot guard from his Tartarus II base!" A robot with lots of tentacles instead of arms came on stage.
Gjallar looked dubious. "Since when do gods have robots?"
"We prefer the term 'automata'. Hephaestus had many."
"Whatever... That's three presenters! You got three envelopes! Time to open 'em!"
The Penultimate Savior, Tina Wazowie, and Godling's automaton opened their envelopes and said together, "Mighty Medley!"
The display showed: "RACC12, FAVORITE ACTION/ADVENTURE: Mighty Medley! RACC13, FAVORITE DRAMA/ACRAPHOBE: Mighty Medley! RACC21, FAVORITE NEW TITLE: Mighty Medley! (Accepted by Darkhorse, Joan Smith, and Bastet)"
The superheroine Darkhorse, the angel Joan Smith, and the goddess Bastet walked back on stage. Darkhorse spoke first. "Wow. I never thought this thing would be so big. Thank you!"
The angel spoke next. "It is sometimes good to receive the judgment of Higher Power, or at least the accolades of mortals. You have my thanks as well."
Finally the goddess spoke. "This is more adoration than I have received in millennia. Yet I know it belongs to a full pantheon of creations and their creators. In their names I thank you."
They each took three awards away.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
"After the favorite stories, where can you go? There's just one award left: RACC15. FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE! We saved this one for last! Presented by... a Hamsterphone from the Ohio School! Man, that almost makes me wanna go back to school! Almost!" The band played and John Revolta sang, "We don't need no education..."
Technicians carried a hamster on stage, and plugged it in. Gjallar said, "Ouch!"
The hamster said in amplified voice, "You may think it painful, but it's nourishment to me."
"Riiight... Takes all types. I guess you're ready, so take it away!"
"Command accepted." The hamster opened an envelope with his claws. "Two runners-up and one winner!"
The display showed, "RACC15. FAVORITE STORY UNIVERSE: Eightfold! Runners-Up: Classic LNH and LNHY! (Accepted by Julie Ann Justice, Fearless Leader, and Kid Enthusiastic-Y)"
Gjallar rolled his eyes and said, "Lemme guess. Eightfold publishes Mighty Medley."
"They do indeed!"
Julie Ann Justice flew to the stage and got there first. But she hovered above the podium while the two Legionnaires walked up.
Fearless Leader went first. "I think I speak for us all when I say, it's great to be part of a team. A society. A universe."
Julie Ann said, "That's right!" Kid Enthusiastic-Y gave two thumbs up.
"So I think I can thank you on behalf of us all!"
"That's right!" And two thumbs up again.
As the Hamsterphone watched, Fearless Leader handed the awards out.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Gjallar yelled, "And That Is IT! This has been the RACCies for 2014! Now go have those wrap parties! And don't be surprised if I come see 'em all!" The band finished.
He glanced over at Tanya. "So. Babe. We friends now?"
"Ehh, sort of."
"So, wanna come party with me?"
Tanya said, "You know I was just here to watch you." Then she put her arm around John Revolta as he sang in Michael Jackson voice, "The doggone girl is mine!"
Gjallar said, "Aw, damn. Aw, well."
At security team headquarters, Brass Team Alpha sighed. So did the whole stadium, as it laid to rest and let the people out.
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Author's Notes:
As in previous years, we're showing runners-up. These are nominees which would have won or tied for first place if just one vote had been swapped one level, say between first and third place. We're not showing all the nominees, though; you already know those, and the ceremony's bloated enough as it is.
I tried to keep the ceremony character-driven; I figured the right characters would provide adequate excitement. I also tried to randomize it as much as possible, both in choice of presenters and their assignments. Most of my algorithms involved the least significant digits of the cube root of the time of day plus the frequency of whatever radio station I was listening to at the time. And if you're feeling the urge to enquire how many significant digits or what went first into the algorithm, oh, please.
Aside from Zenobia, all my characters were randomly chosen. I kept rolling emcees until I came up with one that made sense - and then kept rolling until they made more sense. That's how I came up with the dueling emcees and the backup band.
I know John Revolta is not eligible for an award in this year - but he's retroactively been around since 1979. You'll see him in my stories soon. I now consider him to be the guy who stands in for Johnny Rotten, if you should ever find out how the latter became a rival to Wyatt Ferguson in 2008. Really.
In the absence of other claimants and plot elements, I eventually chose Gjallar Johanssen a.k.a. Imperilus the Exterminating Son as Master of Ceremonies. I have never granted him a first name before this.
- When I created Gjallar, I was inspired by the story of Thor Sadler, son of Barry Sadler, author of "Ballad of the Green Berets". Based on his father's memorabilia gallery, young Thor once thought America won the war and America was the Nazis. Please don't make me look up that Internet reference; it seems to be too busy nowadays... But it illustrates about how well Gjallar Johanssen got along with his father Sam.
- I shall have to consider how well Imperilus the Exterminating Son works with people other than militiamen. His militia episode obviously didn't work out well for him, as witness SW10 Cauldron 2010 (www.eilertech.com/stories/2010/cauldron.htm). And he obviously has anger management issues.
- But he was raised as the son of a world-conqueror. And now he makes a good front man for diverse well-adjusted people including a former enemy! In my world, the RACCies count! And the ceremony has calmed Imperilus before. (2010!) Perhaps they have redeemed him this time. And when he has friends such as Mashup Laq to help restrain him, his temper might work out. Ms. Telemachus would be pleased.
- And I increasingly get the urge to be like him. Especially when it's time to say, "And I want you to know yer a prick! Am I right?"
Zenobia is revealing the extent of her modern sisterhood for these RACCies... well, no, not nearly. In her world she helped Hillary Clinton almost get the U.S. Presidency in 2008! ... Anyway, for each ancient Martian with a sword, Zenobia can at least mobilize one modern woman who wields a rapier.
I'd planned a quiet year at the RACCies, but the characters had other ideas. I thank the volunteers of the Security Force and the Band for providing competent handlers. Next year might not be even that quiet. But after that, I might go back to quietly announcing the awards plus a few cameo appearances. 8{D>
.....oooooOOOOO(*)OOOOOooooo.....
Credits:
The RACCies are full of character cameo appearances, especially the Presenters this year. I selected Presenters so as to represent each person who'd shown an interest in RACC throughout the year. This led to some appearances of characters who were never published in RACC; I've included web site citations for these. I assigned Presenters as randomly as possible, short of allowing them to award to themselves. When I had more slots than contributors, I picked randomly from posts throughout the year... so Presenters may be a bit skewed to over-represent the leading contenders for the Rabbit-Breeder's Cup. Oh well.
Awardees were chosen after I chose Presenters. I chose their Acceptees to represent their owners and/or properties as distinctively as possible. This led to some overlap between Presenters and Acceptees. Oh well.
Each guest character is of course the intellectual property of its respective owner. I'm going to cite these volunteers, though:
- Quasha and Danalee of the Orphans of Mars are used by permission of Tom Russell.
- Brass Team Alpha, Ms. Telemachus, and Mashup Laq are used by permission of Andrew Perron.
- The Ultimate Mercenary is used by permission of Adrian J. McClure.
- I volunteered Zenobia, Philippe St. Joseph Lateran, Gjallar Johanssen a.k.a. Imperilus the Exterminating Son, Tanya of Body Up, and the Alien Beast, copyright 2015 by Eiler Technical Enterprises.
Some other characters deserve mention:
- Mary McLean is a character of April White. I used these guidelines in scripting her appearance: (1) Mary was already religious, and never was inclined to question the divinity of beings she'd just met. (2) She'd just seen a Supreme Being in human form. (3) She was therefore sensitive to the will of Supreme Beings. (4) In this venue, Supreme Beings are the RACCelestials and their will is expressed in the outcome of the RACCies. (5) Mary was therefore not inclined to argue whether the awardees might be minions of Satan or Mohammad or something. Indeed, she was overwhelmed by the Judgment of Heaven... April, if you would write Mary differently, please know that the RACCies are always non-binding upon your characters.
- Ress is a character of Tom Russell, among the Orphans of Mars. I took a challenge to include the phrase "Ress needs a hug" in the ceremony. I hope I'm up to date on her motivations. If not... Tom, please know that the RACCies are non-binding and all that.
I'd like to thank Andrew Perron for compiling the votes and reviewing the ceremony, particularly for creative input in the "Dark Kid Enthusiastic" sequence. The ceremony itself is copyright 2015 by Eiler Technical Enterprises, but is freely available for quoting and incorporation into stories on Rec.Arts.Comics.Creative and all related media.
(signed) Scott Eiler, 24 April 2015.
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