The Adventures of Me 2006

Of course I have adventures in comic books. We all do, even if we're just innocent bystanders, because most comic books take place right here and now. And whenever we go to sleep and then dream of adventures, we have one somewhere. Why not in a comic book?

Decades ago, I used to daydream of living in a comic book. I've read so many comic books, I've figured out how to make my own adventures worth remembering. So, I once started designing my adventures. But after all these years, I still dream of adventures so much at night, I've let my subconscious take over the series!

So here I am, in my own dream world. And as it gets more and more into the future, it gets more and more strange. Except it had a reset last year, so it's starting over from scratch. So now it's my dreams vs. your reality! Who will win?

January
Headlines	My Life
MINIATURE GOLF CHALLENGE OF THE SEXES! Women vs. Men, Digging a Gutter Into a Cave for a Putt (1 Jan) VISITORS FROM WONDERLAND - AND THEY USUALLY DIE QUICKLY! Some Kill Themselves After Meeting Bums; Others Fall Off Skyscrapers (13 Jan) FUTURE QUEEN ELIZABETH VISITED ALBANIA IN 1950! She Fought the Cold War and Avoided Tripping on Apples (15 Jan) CHEESE INSTEAD OF LYRIC SHEETS! High School Choir Makes Do With What They Have (17 Jan) ROLLING STONES INVESTIGATED FOR MEMBERSHIP IRREGULARITIES! Was It a Government Plot? (18 Jan) POWER IN THE BLOOD... OF DOMINATION! Blood Drives Bypass the Donors, and Send E-Mail Directly to Blood Cells! (24 Jan)	Safe House. If the real world had superheroes... they'd probably be in safe houses most of the time! And so I have opportunity to find out, safe houses suck. The U.S. Gov was using me as a superhuman agent last month. But I got into trouble. So they're hiding me now, so as to confound the enemies of America. Unfortunately, I'm no good at hiding. In short, hijinks ensue. But things might be about to get worse. (8 - 31 Jan)

February
Headlines	My Life
THE DECLARATION OF PAVEMENT DAY! Web Publisher Declares a New Holiday for the End of Winter (2 Feb) ORANGE-SKINNED BASEBALL COACH! The Team Likes Him That Way (5 Feb) REMAKE OF "I LOVE LUCY" - NOW WITH CLEAVAGE! (11 Feb) BUGS BUNNY AND ROCKETTES TEAM UP! Newly-Discovered Old Cartoon Ends with Them in Chorus Line Together (26 Feb)	E.T.s Go Home! Our world has hidden superhumans, hidden aliens, secret inhuman cultures, occasional visitors from parallel Earths, and paranoid governments, all in a precarious balance so far. Here's where it starts to get out of tilt. Featuring: The Dark Maneuvers II. I recovered from a lot of self-destroying crap last year. Other people have to do that too. (10 - 16 Feb) Our Neighbors the Aliens. When some people want aliens off Earth, it strikes kind of close to home. (27 Feb)

March
Headlines	My Life
JUPITER IS MADE OF WOOD! It's a Big Branch With Lots of Gas Around It - And You Should See the Tree It Came From! (1 Mar) PIRATE IN THE ARSENAL! Villain with a Pirate Flag Gets Into U.S. Army Arsenal - and Celebrates by Feasting on Blood (3 Mar) YOU BET YOUR SALAD! Restaurant Has At-Table Gambling - And Your Side Dishes Are At Stake (10 Mar) FANTASY REALM DOES DATABASE PROGRAMMING FOR U.S. COMPANIES! Beware Their Quality Assurance Auditor - He's a Mounted Knight! (13 Mar) INDY CARS AND STOCK CARS IN THE SAME RACE! In Different Divisions, Of Course (15 Mar) COMEDIANS AND ATLANTEANS IN THE WOODS! Hiking Tour of Comedians in Silly Woods of New England - And They Find Sea Creatures on Holiday! (16 Mar) A TRAP FOR THE BRINGER OF COLD! Is This the End for "Ultimate Low C"? (19 Mar)	Going South. A tour bus filled with superhumans. Plus a rogue alien, an apocalypse, and a knight from another Earth. Welcome to a relatively quiet period of life in my world. (5 - 14 Mar) Going North, or The Dark Maneuvers III. Recovery from reality shifts may not always work out the way some people want. (17 Mar)

April
Headlines	My Life
WEATHER GODDESS ON THE ATTACK! They Might Call Her Wrath "The Droughtbuster" (2 Apr) HUNTING ASIMOV! It's a New Science Fiction Fan Feature; Isaac Asimov's Daughter Janet is a Contributor (4 Apr) AMBASSADOR TO THE CAVE PEOPLE! U.S. State Department Sends a Representative to a Hidden Race, And Finds the Cave Women Mate to Cement Alliances (10 Apr) APOCALYPSE OF OVERPOPULATION! Eve Was Adam's Sister, And Their Children Were Cursed to Smother the World (11 Apr) OSAMA BIN LADEN'S TURBAN CONCEALS A GIANT EYE! Its Hypnotic Properties Explain a Lot of Things (11 Apr) STAR TREK CREW AT MONTEREY ROCK FESTIVAL! Lost 1960s Episode Had the Enterprise, Time Travel, and Guest Stars (14 Apr)	Mostly about friends of mine. I hope I've gotten myself clear of all their problems for once. On the Bus. Remember that tour bus filled with superhumans? It's been hijacked by escaped prisoners! It's pretty obvious how the hijackers are going to cope with the passengers... but how is a bus full of low-powered superhuman rescuers going to cope with each other? (7 Apr) The Clenching Fist of Iowa. Someone's up to world conquest again. Starting from Iowa, of all places. The trouble is, it might just work for him - because the U.S. Gov wants to stash superhumans, some place remote and central at the same time. (17 - 25 Apr)

May
Headlines	My Life
LINCOLN'S SECRET HISTORY OF AMERICA! If Abe Had Lived Longer, He Would Have Written About the "Eurosetto" Race That Would Take the Place of the Jews (8 May) QUADRATHLON = TRIATHLON PLUS WRESTLING! Karin Bodil Competes Against Men - And Might Win (8 May) MYSTIC FORCES UNITE! Zombies, Dragons, and Earth Forces Ally For Mutual Defense (9 May) ALIEN EMBASSY IN CHICAGO - JUST AN ART MUSEUM! They Let Families Camp in the Building (14 May) INTELLIGENT ANIMALS VS. WOMEN WITH SWORDS! The Future of Species At Stake! (15 May) "THE PURPOSE OF THE MAN IS TO DODGE THE MAGGOTS..." The Old Song "Game of Love" Becomes the "Game of Death"! (18 May) SWIM PAST DETROIT - BUT THE MOB WILL GET YOU! New Quadrathlon Competition is Discouraged by Organized Crime (19 May)	Eve of the War. Someone's broken loose from the camps in Iowa, to start the great war of superhumans against authority. Y'all have fun now, I think I'll go find something better. (2 May) Yesterday the World. As bad as my world has been, there's always something worse. Like, oh, a world full of Nazis. Of course, that's what I find when I want something better. (25 - 29 May) Tales of the Power. We, the Power, provide these tales for our human host species' amusement. And we celebrate our new relationship with our human host, as soon as he returns from his trip to what he calls "The Real World". This is the last travel he will ever take without us. (13 - 25 May)

June
Dispatches from the Siberian Resistance	My Life
RUSSIAN TELEPORTAL AS A THOUGHT EXPERIMENT! A Commisar Objects, But a Crowd Cheers (14 Jun) SIBERIAN DEFORESTATION BY QUOTA! Collective Tree Farms Have an Output to Maintain (15 Jun) SUBMARINE BATTLE EXERCISE - BUT THE FLAG IS WRONG! What's That Checkered Field Doing There? (16 Jun) SOCCER GAME OF THE NAPOLEONIC WARS! Each Nation is One Player; Poland is the Soccer Ball (17 Jun)	I'm back from the Real World. I just couldn't take it. Yesterday the World II. Nazis and Imperial Japanese are still ruling the "Not-Real" world I come from. So I'm hiding in Siberia! Not for the first time, either. (14 - 17 Jun)

July
Headlines	My Life
MYSTERY MEAT or RON HOWARD'S SHORTS! Cafeteria Offers Some Bizarre Menu Choices (25 Jul) LADY WRESTLING REALITY SHOW! On Fox Network, Of Course - But Where Is It Staged? (27 Jul) RUPERT MURDOCH vs. WILLY WONKA! Wonka Lives as Johnny Depp - and Takes Offense at Lady Wrestling Show (28 Jul) HEART ON ICE! The Classic Rock Group "Heart" Performs at Skating Rinks (29 Jul)	Yesterday the World III. There's been some important action against the Nazis who've been ruling our world, but I wasn't there. I was busy helping refugees. (11, 19, 21 Jul)

August
Headlines	My Life
LUNAR CENTRIFUGE SIMULATES EARTH GRAVITY! Used for Lady Wrestling Reality Show on Secret Lunar Colony (9 Aug) PRISON BREAK FROM LUNAR SLAVERY! Lady Wrestler and an Earth Sponsor Try to Escape the Secret Lunar Colony (21 Aug) ANCIENT ISRAELITES FOUGHT IN BABYLON! King Solomon Sent Them as Mercenaries; They Brought Native Soil for Good Luck (31 Aug)	Heroes of the New Present. As part of the latest reality shift, superhumans have reverted to previous levels of power. So, concentration camps for them are out of the question. What will there be instead? (4 - 22 Aug)

September
Headlines	My Life
MAN MAKES SWAMP MONSTERS DO MARTIAL ARTS! He Summoned and Controls Four of Them (1 Sep) TRIBAL KING OF GHANA IS A SOCCER FAN! Leader of the Asante Tribe Got the Autograph of His Favorite Japanese Player (6 Sep) STAGE PLAY OF THE SUPERHUMAN CONFERENCE! One Actor Says, He Could Improvise Better Dialog (10 Sep) SIMPSONS ON STRIKE! These Cartoon Characters Have Minds of Their Own - And Homer Wants More Food (14 Sep) FAIRIES SHINE SHOES! But You'd Better Leave Your Door Open For Them (16 Sep)	Treasure Hunt. I'm being hunted! Last month's world conference of superhumans has kicked off a treasure hunt, to neutralize devices that.can cause reality shifts - and I used to own several of these. I'm under suspicion, especially since I left the conference early. (2 - 6 Sep) Return of the Dire Wolves. In the rest of the superhuman world, a wolf attack gives the world's first superhumans an excuse for a reunion. (3 - 11 Sep) Bad Moon Rising. I get drawn into action on the secret Lunar colony - alongside a new recruit of the world's first superhumans! Oh joy. (17 - 29 Sep)

October
Headlines	My Life
EARTHLINGS VOW TO CONQUER THE GALAXY! Vengeance for How Aliens Treated Them (7 Oct) FIDDLER ON THE ROOF 2! Tevye Has an Idiot Peasant Friend Now (8 Oct) JESUS AND THE APOSTLES ARE MANGA CHARACTERS! A Japanese Comic Book Documents Their New Adventures (16 Oct) STAR WARS POKER GAME! Special Card Deck Has More Face Cards With the Movie Characters (22 Oct) NEVER CLONE YOURSELF WHEN SHOPPING FOR MOM! You'll Just Buy Extra Gifts, and Mom Will Be Confused (30 Oct)	Reality House. Now that I've been sucked in to a superhuman reunion, I get to hang out with them for fun. It's like a Reality TV show with celebrities - who can maul or immolate you. (3 - 7 Oct) Roster. It looks like another big battle over the fate of our world is on the way. Before we get into that, let's review the factions, shall we? Adversaries of the New Present. The heroes of our new era have already held a meeting. Now, it's their enemies' turn. And other superhumans are still arising. (8 - 19 Oct) What's This About the Dreamtime? The Dreamtime is an Australian aboriginal belief system which is convenient for describing some parts of comic book reality. Especially a part that superhumans are about to fight over. Balance Quest. Given an increase in menaces, I may have to reunite with the Original Balance. Or at least give them a courtesy call. But they may not be available. (19 - 26 Oct)

November
Headlines	My Life
MIDGETS' MARKET! An Indiana Town Lets Midgets Operate the Farmers' Market (3 Nov) SUPERHUMANS HIRED BY INDIA! Subcontractors for National Defense (5 Nov) BEWARE "DOCTOR DUBBED"! He Can Echo Other People's Voices - And Learn What They're Talking About! (15 Nov) NEW RECRUIT FOR EARTH'S MIGHTIEST SUPERHUMANS! He May Have Been a Chinese Crimelord in New York City (16 Nov) AUSTRALIANS USED A REALITY SHIFT TO CREATE THEIR SOCIALIZED DRUG PROGRAM! U.S. Drug Companies Are Protesting (21 Nov)	They Dreamt That Evil Dies Today. My world's superhumans have fought evil in the realm of dreams before. This time, the battle ends. (8 Nov) Interlude. For what I saw in the realm of dreams, the U.S. Government wants me back in a witness protection program! No sir, I don't think so. (9 Nov) Trickster. Mortals have recently $#@!ed heavily with the realm of dreams. Mystic creatures are taking notice. Or advantage. Among these is a famous god of tricks. (13 - 22 Nov)

	December
Headlines	My Life
FAMILY CIRCUS MUSICAL! Opening Off-Broadway (1 Dec) HIGH SCHOOL KIDS USE TIME MACHINE TO CHEAT AT HOMEWORK! They Call Their Tool the "Time Engine" (5 Dec) JOHNNY CASH LIVES! He's Doing Yet Another Prison Concert (5 Dec) SUPERHEROINE CAPTURED! "Bride of the Ultimate Darkness" Dragged Into the Dreamtime (12 Dec) DOG-ALIENS IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC! A Billionaire Chases Them, With His WW2 Surplus Battle Cruiser (19 Dec) MER-HUMAN, TOON, AND MERCENARY vs. CATHOLIC CHURCH! Confrontation at a Church in Massachusetts (21 Dec)	The Enemies of Allah Must Drown By Hemorroids. Superhumans are training in Indiana, to help defend India against Pakistan. Islamic jihadists are devising a communicable skin disease to attack them with. And of course I'm in the middle. The world's most powerful superhuman team Total Conversion is training in Indianapolis. They like the city for its university athletic and medical facilities. Team captains Stonewater and Leo are pretending to be Dazzler and Aquaman, to train their teammates in how to fight unexpected opponents. Nobody's going to expect the Disco Dazzler. I'm auditing the sessions; I know most of the team. One way or another, I know most of the world's superhumans. (28 Dec) Case in point: that big boy scout the Powernaut. He shows up to warn people about arsenic in the chili at lunch, but I think it's just garlic. (28 Dec) Later, maybe it wasn't the chili, but something's given me hemorroids that I want to soak in a creek, while bringing lots of beer along. I know a bridge near the Indy 500 track, where I can sit with my stockpile. (28 Dec) While I go treat my hemorroids my own way, I come under the care of the vigilante named "Bandolier". He's tracking down a biological threat. And he now trains attack dogs. I'd better keep my bedroom doors and windows closed. (29 Dec) Bandolier says, an Arabic businessman is preparing for jihad via communicable skin disease. Hemorroids are only the start; there's a rumor of drug-resistant flesh-eating staph, so watch out next year. Indianapolis was targeted, because of its superhumans. Hence, my hemorroids. That's what I get for my lack of hygiene. (30 Dec) But we can defeat him by washing our hands. And by drinking lots of milk, because calcium helps enhance the immune system against this disease. But what'll I do with 28 quarts? (30, 31 Dec) ... And by supporting the new series, "M.A.S.H. 1991". It reprises all the old episodes, only with Saudi censors watching the surgeons. They even got Alan Alda to play the commander! (31 Dec) So I go to the M.A.S.H. 1991 New Year's Eve kickoff party, and stay in hotel afterward. I've just slept until 3 pm, and now the hotel wants to charge me a punitive rate for an extra night! Maybe the innkeeper will let me work in Engineering to lower my rate. (1 Jan 2007) What Have We Learned This Year? It's been a really rough year or two for my world's superhumans, with reality shifts and such. But I found it almost relaxing, because that crap is just business as usual for me. Some of my mystic friends tell me, maybe that means I've become a post-superhuman superhuman, a survivalist for a changing universe. Power is not as important a trait in this breed, as adaptation to weirdness. Which sounds just like my life. But if I'm a new breed, how do I reproduce? Certainly not the old-fashioned way. But superhumans don't seem to breed true that way either. I know this because I've met some of their children. Maybe we'll find out more next year. And I'll probably keep writing about it. A Jungian therapist tells me, journalling is good for my mental health. Still, I favor having less adventure for a while. Maybe I'll take a few months off... yeah, right. I'll believe it when I see it.

Background

My world is your world now! Last year we had a long full history of superhumans who'd changed their world since 1991. For instance, the U.S. President was Orrin Hatch. But then we had reality shifts, after which we woke up with President George Bush Junior.

But the superhumans have survived! I'm one of them, so I've survived too. We all remember the way things were. And here we are, in a world that's never had superhumans before. Let the fun begin.

In my experience, once superhumans come into a world, things start to change. You may not notice it yet, but it's already starting to happen. For instance, have you noticed Frank Zappa's still alive? We can't explain how the changes happened before we ever got here, but they still happen. You may never notice a lot of them, but they're still there.

Your governments have already started to notice. And they've started to investigate everything they can, and enlist every superhuman within their powers. You may never have heard about an incident of superhumans in Basra, Iraq at Christmas 2005... but it still happened.

So here we are. I know what "regular" history is for you (I have some experience with other universes), and I've seen history diverge before. Now that superhumans are here with me (no matter how powerless compared with what they're used to), I expect I'll see history diverge again this year.

And here I am. And I'm a compulsive writer, as witness how I'm starting out my 2006 journal tonight on 31 December 2005.

• I keep trying to find an excuse to shut my adventure journals down and do some "serious" writing for pay or something.
• I've even sent my old story about Odin to Writer's Workshop, so maybe I can write it properly as a novel or something, and make some money off it.

But my Story Sense is tingling. It tells me, there will be lots more stories to tell this year. And it seems I'm addicted to telling stories, so I just can't stop. And you're getting it all for free. Gotta love the World Wide Web.