The Adventures of Me 2003

Of course I have adventures in comic books. We all do, even if we're just innocent bystanders, because most comic books take place right here and now. But I've figured out how to make my own adventures worth remembering.

You can meet Marvel and DC heroes in these adventures, plus heroes of my own designing. My viewpoint character lives in the Marvel Multiverse, but not always the Marvel Universe. He (which is to say, I) is kind of like that "Access" guy who lives in both Marvel and DC Universes. "Access" had to commute, but my home and my job move with me.

• I've asked some of my metaphysicially-inclined friends about that. Their best guess is, the Marvel Universe is especially malleable when it comes to small details like my life. Go figure.

In comic books, I've got about three universes worth of stuff going on this year, and it's coming in waves like I haven't seen since the Escalation. Uh oh.

I start the year in the Marvel Universe. Which is a good thing, because there's a job for me there, though it's not with the usual sort of employer... and so the first wave begins.

Wave 1:

Ever Since Odin Started Doing My Laundry... ...now that's not a phrase most people hear every day. But it's just business as usual for me.

Mage War 2003. For some reason, people consider me a mighty mage, especially ever since I took control of the Father God of Asgard. And it's just in time for a regularly scheduled magic competition. Oh, joy.

Evil Community College Night. I've got a new concept for the Teknophage: he hides out at a community college, and stages contests for his own amusement. I've gotten some good reaction from professional comic book writers on this one. But to get anywhere with this idea, I have to leave my house near sunset. I'm too tired to do that... and besides, I live near one of these colleges.

With Great Power Comes Great Irrelevance. In which I get my longstanding wish for more reliable superpowers, but let's face it, superpowers aren't the answer to everything. Featuring:

• Batman's Insurance. Batman is making a public appearance at a grocery store, dressed as Adam West in a Batman costume, as part of a plot of his to smoke out some criminals. His Batmobile is on display nearby, just in case he needs it. But he's saving it for then, so my car and I see some action in his cause.

• Dragon's Egg. Last year I found out, my blood cells had formed their own civilization. Now I know why; I've been infected by Oversaur's blood.

• Ultimate Hide and Seek. Franklin Richards has an evil twin, from a counter-Earth or an ultimate-Earth or something, and they're playing Hide and Seek for the fate of the universe. I'd better not screw things up.
• My Valkyrie Girlfriend. I arrange with an Oriental restaurant for me to rent a cheap martial arts flick every week, them to show it on Tuesday nights, and us to split the profits. I'm sure I can get my girlfriend to go. Why? Because she's the new Valkyrie.
• What's Right for Party Night? Some foreign affairs come up at a party. More on that later... but I have bigger things to worry about, because I have to rent the movie to show that night.
• I usually try to avoid North Korean movies, because they start with commentators ranting about Rolling Rock beer. Latrobe has the place under sanctions ever since they used "the p-word" about Rolling Rock three times.
• But just for tonight, I think it might be great party fun, and I'm right, especially since we have lots of Rolling Rock to toast those Asian Stalinists with. (4 April)

Oh, So That's What Great Power's For. My new powers come in handy, but mostly not for all that flashy superhero stuff. (12 April)

Wave 2:

Whatever Happened to the District of Keewatin? One night at a party, my friend Ginny and I were playing a geographic trivia game which involves getting chits for parts of the Canadian Arctic in the right order without knowing what other chits are, and it was hard. It was especially hard because this superhero I know just messed with the borders up north.

Four Heroes. It's a lot like Goofus and Gallant in the children's magazines, only brought to you with corporate sponsorship by Nevada Power and Light. But you won't find the full story on their web site; you'll only find it here.

The story starts with a party at a Chicagoland marina. It's a barbecue held by Nevada Power and Light, at a Chicago marina on Lake Michigan. And there's a springtime storm coming.

• First hero: "Captain Mighty". They've found a Superman clone or something, and made him their spokesman. He's at the party. When he sees a storm coming, he lets a woman talk him into erasing the storm front with super-speed. She must have been his public relations contact or something.
• Second hero: "Ellipsis", also known as Stephen Wolcott. When he sees a storm coming, he sneaks into the marina for the party, to discuss how to take advantage of it.
• Third hero: me, Wyatt Ferguson. They actually declared me a hero on their web site. When I see a storm coming, I still go hiking, but I take my favorite trenchcoat. I can make it to a train station, and from there to Chicago to the party.
• Fourth hero: Roxanne Scott. She's actually a friend of mine from high school. We both grew up in Indianapolis, where practically all of us dreamed of growing up to be a race car driver. But she actually chased her dream. And she's finally got her ride. Her sponsor wants her there for this promo event, so when she sees a storm coming, she's not going anywhere except the party.

Well, suffice it to say, the party comes off as expected, and we're all there.

• I'd like to meet this "Captain Mighty". But his cloud of public relations people aren't letting anyone close to him.
• Roxanne the race car driver is not guarded at all, but she's got throngs of fans. I spend most of the party getting to her to say Hello.
• Ellipsis is moderately well guarded. But I don't need to meet him; I've already met him, at least once a year since 1999. We're getting to be like those annual teamups in the comic books.
  • In 1999, I actually saved his ass not once but twice. But it's not on the record or anything, so he'll never have to publicly acknowledge me for it.
  • In 2000, he messed with my vacation in Greenland. I, in return, messed with a geopolitical power play he had planned there. Fair is fair.
  • In 2001, I messed with his life. But I was under orders.
    • He and his wife had confronted terrorists in New York City, just like he did once in 1991. And his wife was a casualty again, just like in 1991.
    • But by 2001, I'd become an agent of Death. And I was on a mission to collect his wife. We soon established that not even all his power could stop me while I was on a mission. All he could do was sacrifice at least one other life to save his wife. And he did that... when he stayed by his wife's side while the World Trade Center was destroyed.
    • He has reason to blame me for that carnage. I have reason to blame him for it. But neither of us blew up the Towers. This shows the limits of blame.
  • In 2002, we ran across each other at the end of human life on Earth. We neglected to argue with each other then. I guess we're behind the schedule now.
  • And so far this year, I've heard of Ellipsis breaking part of the Arctic loose from Canada.

That's set up enough political intrigue already... but now he's got something planned in Nevada as well.

• This new power source he's got planned for Nevada, is molecular-level technology that absorbs all sunlight and converts it to "solar energy". The catch is, the collector is the entire size of Nevada. It's going to spread out all over the state, and absorb all sunlight which plants and buildings don't catch.
• The government of Nevada loves this idea. They're tired of tourists being scared away from Las Vegas by 110-degree heat. And I know from Texas experience, that amount of heat can be deadly. Besides, they (correctly) point out, there's a lot of talk about reducing global warming, but not a lot of action to make the Earth cooler, until now.
• The government of Idaho, on the other hand, fears this idea. Meterological studies show, that if Nevada starts absorbing a state's worth of heat (instead of reflecting it like Nevada customarily does), it will set up low pressure cells which bring rain to Nevada instead of Idaho. There goes the potato crop.
• The government of California doesn't like this idea much either.
  • When Nevada came into existence in 1864, it claimed everything east of the Sierra Nevada mountain range, including such lovely territory as Death Valley. Some California and Nevada county sheriffs actually fought a war for possession of one county. (Do a Web search on "Sagebrush War" if you don't believe me.) Now Nevada's bringing back its old claim, because it wants the extra land to set up its power arrays in.
  • The governor of California is having trouble with this. On the one hand, Californians love solar power and want to avoid chronic power failures; on the other hand, Californians have this thing about preserving their deserts. The public argument on this issue is so great, there's a rumor that the governor's going to move to Louisiana and run for office there instead, just because it's easier. Crusher Joe Corrigan the professional superhuman wrestler has already announced he's available to replace him.
• This, of course, is setting up a conflict between states in the U.S. Government. Whatever the courts decide after months of challenges, at least one state will lose... and that state will have powerful motivation to appeal, perhaps to the United Nations. Which seems to fit the agenda of Ellipsis to destroy all national power.

Anyway, I don't think much of that agenda. In fact, I think loudly and negatively against it throughout the party. I'm sure I got Ellipsis's attention; I saw him grimace. (18 April, 22 October)

(Post-2003 note: The story continues now!)

Sanitarium (Welcome Home). In professional psychiatric opinion, I'm a loonie. I've got a doctor's report to prove it. He seems to think when I tell him about my adventures in other universes and how famous public figures and fictional characters like to persecute me, I'm just making up stories. How dare I!? (27-29 April)

Interlude:

Phone Company of the Dead. The long distance phone company I work for, wants me to volunteer to find them customers. They also think I should use their phone service to call up my mother on Mother's Day. Little do they know she's dead. But this gives me an idea... because I have a target demographic for them, and the distance sure ain't local. But I'm going to need help from a couple of legendary characters. (19 May)

Wave 3:

The Return of Ordered Realities. I once took notes on an interdimensional council of reality travellers... but you won't find my notes on the Web, because this was back when all I had for computers was an Apple IIe. Whenever I tried to share these notes with someone, something happened to stop me. Now I'm geting worried. Can you see this web page yet?

The Rise of Kid Thanos. Let's see... Thor probably has a geopolitical plot going, or else he wouldn't have parked Asgard over New York City and started encouraging pagan worship. Ellipsis has a geopolitical plot going. Ordered Realities have one going too. I'm opposed to all these plots to some degree, but even with all my new power, there's not a hell of a lot I can do. I'd almost feel left out... except now Thanos apparently has his own plot going, and he's recruited me.

The Galactic Party. My entire galaxy now has reason to wonder what the proxy of Thanos has planned. And that proxy would be me. Thanos would have kept them in the dark... but that's not how I work. I think right now is the perfect time for a party.

Only I Can Save Us Now. I have a grudge against Ordered Realities; I have the power to oppose them; I have the wealth to oppose them. And now, I've finally figured out how to go about it.

The League of Extradimensional Mightyfriends. I've been building a multiversal alliance, and now it's ready for action.

Me in the Marvel Universe: The End. Well, things went a little bit wrong during that last campaign of mine. Now, I have to pay the price. Yes, it's the Last Me in the Marvel Universe Story.

Wave 4:

After The End. By rights I should be dead, but here I am still alive. I often find that even after the worst has happened, life goes on. Here we go again.

• By rights I should be a normal basic powerless human. But I still have a ratty old trenchcoat that flies. I get a chance to try it out, when I'm visiting a shopping mall with my relatives. It gives me a good chance to ditch them for some private quality time. (24 September)
• By rights I should be forgotten by now, since I've been away from home so long. But that's not how celebrity works... and I actually am a celebrity of sorts. Soon after I get back, I get a bunch of offers.
  • I get to sing a duet with Kate Bush, who's been kind of hidden away herself for a while.
  • I get to be in one of those new reality game shows, in Hawaii. Unfortunately, it involves running, and I'm kind of lame (literally) in that respect, so even (especially) a young Hawaiian woman can beat me. But I still get on TV, and I still get a free trip, and I still get paid. I got used to not needing money to live for a while... but that was somewhere else.
  • I get to appear in a talent show, putting on a skit with antique pogo sticks that move themselves. But they're actually being moved by a young telekinetic woman. When the actors' union learns about this, they put on a protest, until the woman signs up for the union and pays her dues. (5 October)
  • I get to meet a white South African superhero called "Patriotic Homeland". He says he'd rather die than be defeated. Where do they find these people? (11 October)
  • I get to lead the second annual Silly Days Are Here Again parade, which the silly town of Lexington, Virginia is hosting this year. Surely, they let me be Grand Marshal; after all, the parade was my idea.
  • I even get invited to the White House! As the parade Grand Marshal, I get to shake the hand of President Rodham and her predecessor President Bush.
    • I even get to help a Navy crew when an alien ship crash-lands on the White House lawn. Boy, the aliens look like Klingons. Though I suppose they must really be Caladrians. I've actually spent some time learning about aliens.
    • And the Navy guys act like particularly macho lifeguards, especially since the ex-President who's here was a Navy man; the Navy crew even tries to lift the alien ship by hand. It's like a particularly bad episode of Star Trek vs. Baywatch. (25 September)
    • But I manage to bring the situation under control. The aliens know our planet, and I know how they know it, so that gets us talking until the professionals arrive. Naturally, I'm shoved aside then... with two Presidents still watching. Oh well.
• By rights I should be obscure... but I still have a history. In fact, people are nosing around to find what my involvement was in Plan Joab a couple of years ago. So, I have to lie low somewhere. So, I attend a family reunion in an old house. Suffice it to say, my siblings and cousins are about as annoying as ever. (9 October)
• By rights I should be unemployed... but there's still a demand for software engineers who can handle the bizarre jobs. In particular, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway has a set of automated street sweepers which are out of control; eight of us have to walk in front of them to steer them towards the garages. Judging from the women's backsides afterwards, it's a dirty job. (17 October)
• By rights I should have nothing more to do with superhumans... but I still have a good reputation for working with them. So there's this one vigilante in New York City, named "Bandolier", who hires me to gather intelligence on a super-speed villain named "Dynamo Hum". I told Bandolier that I'd rather not have anything to do with superhumans, but that just made him all the more eager to hire me.
  • Anyway, I find out the super-speed has changed hosts; it now lives in a clean-cut, polite young man named "The Hurrier". So I call off the hunt. (26 October)

In short, it's back to life as usual, just minus the Marvel Universe stuff.

The Boys of November. Just like everywhere else, companies form up baseball teams and play ball where I live. But where I live, we have superhero companies.

Buying the Farm. As much as I'd like to attend that big superhero baseball game, I've got another job to do. I still have allies here, and they still need my help, out on a farm.

The Brotherhood of Evil Minions. To help save the farm, I have to march on Washington, D.C., at the head of a militia force, beneath the banner of the Brotherhood of Evil Minions. Thumbs Up for Evil!

Wave 5: It's DuoPolarity time again! Uh oh.

DuoPolarity: The Convention. After all those years of raising a family, my brother Calvin's running a role-playing game at a convention... and it's DuoPolarity, the infamous universal merge! I just gotta go see that. (11 December)

DuoPolarity: The Event. It's a good thing we've been preparing. Heroes from another universe are once again invading my own, in search of a menace that not even all their powers can defeat. Oh joy. But it's not what you're thinking... (23, 27 December)