Commentators

January Who Was I? Commentator: Wyatt Ferguson.

Some people say, the Devil spends time on Earth, and he's particularly interested in the next two days. Now I know why. (21 Jan) The Hurrier has not yet noticed this, but now that all women can get superhuman powers, they are organizing to spread the power. I missed one meeting in Quincy-Massachusetts because the Hurrier got there first. I decided to try for one in Newport-Rhode Island, featuring the 17-year-old daughter of Zenobia. Zenobia's movement loves this latest development. The meeting was at a function room of the Custom House Inn. I made it there, and the Hurrier didn't because he was on a cruise. But he hired a bounty hunter to take his place! That would be Yon Schmidt, Scheiss Hauptmann. Which is to say, the best in the Superhuman World. Yon and I actually get along, and we worked together a couple of times. I chose not to insult him by trying to talk him out of delivering on a paying job. I also chose not to resist. In return, Yon let me address the women. I simply said, "Keep finding your new powers. You will change the world." Yon and I then went out drinking. I was delivered to the U.S. Federal Courthouse the next morning. The Hurrier had submitted an extradition suit against me, for when I rescued a friend of mine from abduction to Canada. When I was safely under the jurisdiction of a U.S. marshal, I exercised my contingency plan. Witnesses say, my body stumbled, disappeared, then reappeared stumbling from a different position. U.S. Federal authority now has custody of a body which looks like me - but it is not me. They will have some problems if they want to declare it mentally competent to stand trial. I will admit to two exercises of the Hyper-Body Hyper-Transfer Protocol, and influential allies to back my play. I expect after the second exercise, I will be untraceable. (22 Jan)

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. Mr. Ferguson, I don't know if this entry is truly yours, but it does truly seem to explain your current condition. I will take it as true. And I will maintain my efforts to hunt your true self and make you face justice.

January Who Am I? Commentator: Gillette Harris.

I be learning about this worldwide celebrity $#!+. But I still got to tell my story, don't care where. Found this web page to let me tell it. (23 Jan) I be Gillette Harris. My ma thought "Gillette" was sharp. But sucks in school. Ma be a pig. I live Baker Donora, worst neighborhood in South Lansing, Michigan. Went high school at Everett. I made it. Good in math not English. No job after high school. No college either. So I go more high school classes at the new Baptist school. They so good they teach calculus there. They even got substitute teachers. Last Wednesday I dream I was my substitute calculus teacher. He say I could get out. Cool to try. I call the 800 phone number I dreamed. I said what the dream said "ESCALATION THANATOS TERTIUS NEWMOON". Damn I didn't remember all that myself. On the phone they ask where I live. Then they told me check cashing office to give me money! They said go to Oregon with it and ask for someone. They knew what trains to take. Nothing to lose. Ma just glad I have a job. Next train from Lansing Thursday morning. Got me to Oregon Saturday morning. Got to Rose Garden Arena in Portland. (Damn that a bad name.) Auto show going on there. Sure I left Michigan to go see another auto show. But a man had a sign up for me at door. Sent me to a room with a blood drive to donate. Then I got sent to a back room. Woman came in then. Sweet thing. She said she Symmetria San Giacomo. Said she had a job for me if I take some other blood in! Damn yes. But first she ask what of Wyatt was within me. I suddenly knew it was a lot. Wyatt my substitute Baptist calculus teacher one day. He the one I dreamed about. He in superhuman world and international stuff. And he on the news, captured in Rhode Island! She say but is he in you? !@#$ if I know. But it not my own idea to come here. She say can you live with him? $#!+ it at least better than Baker Donora. Symmetria ok with the answer. So I did blood transfusion. She say get some good clothes and good hairstyle Monday, then talk Tuesday. Meanwhile free tickets to auto show and 50 bucks for all the food I wanted the next two days. Sleep in arena back rooms. She said meanwhile look at a Chinese riverboat parked outside the arena. Supposed to be a friendly visit from China. But everyone on the boat was like Navy. They watching the arena real close, like it an evil command center or something. Symmetria say the arena good for that. With all the bling stuff they put in there lately, it almost fly through the air. Don't know what next for me, but it def be better than South Lansing.

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. Since the highly-publicized arrest of Wyatt Ferguson, there has been an onslaught of purported imitators. Of course I am tracking them all, as part of my hunt. Mr. Harris, I have chosen your report for publication because I feel you can be more than an imitator of Wyatt Ferguson. Whatever your contacts are (and I will investigate them), and whatever it is they want from you, you have now a chance to enhance yourself and do good things. I urge you to hurry to do that.

February Ultimate Robot. Commentator: Gillette Harris.

Yeah, right. Not like a Terminator. But we still got a guy out there who makes giant robots. Yo, this still Gillette Harris. I work in Oregon now. I get paid to keep track of the superguys. Now they be fighting around New York. It start when NYC put up a Tower of Defiance, building-size and Finger-shape. Just a big balloon stuck to the ground, but right where the WTC was. Cool, it be like they mayor got some balls - or some friends with them. Just in time for Super Bowl, too. People even do bungee jumps off the support girders. (26, 27 Jan) Next day, giant robot attack, pop the building. Robot got underlings, with stilts if you believe that $#!+. But they be cheap and good for looking at stuff coming to attack. And the main robot be a hard case. Probably MANIC 5, with add-ons from Madfinger. Don't ask me how I know that. NYC vigilante superguys fight the robot, get whacked. Robot just stand there after, hold his own finger up facing the city. (28 Jan) Police stay out, not want to hurt things near big deal stock markets. But other superguys joined in for rematch. I be color-coding their appearances by team affiliation. I actually got to figure out what color to code the Wolf-Woman of Iowa. She with DuoPolarity of Maquoketa, far as I know. (1 Feb) Later on, boss want me to do group fitness, cause I might be field agent for her. Maybe go write reports and World Journal Monthly stories, but she say I got to work on my language first. For my language, she says listen to my inner voice. Whatever. For my fitness, I go football class. But it sucks cause someone hit me, I don't get to hit him back. There got to be a better way for this exercise $#!+. (1 Feb) About the giant robot, Hurrier be going there too. $#@!ing hole got nothing better to do than $#@! with everyone's fights, then kiss ass afterward to make some cash. (5 Feb)

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. Mr. Harris, I am sad that you comment against me. My action against the giant robot was efficient and avoided damage to public property. In my view, that puts me ahead of your country's inefficient justice system in which vigilantes were allowed to engage the robot and endanger your great city. But still, your country and mine both give us the right to express our opinions publicly. This worldwide exchange of opinions now happens without precedent, due to computer networking. When you and I talk, it is always superior to fighting. By all means, learn and grow.

February Lincoln Living. Commentator: Sylvester Morrow, World Journal Monthly.

WORLD JOURNAL MONTHLY

February 13-14, 2008     See Our Other Issues!

ABE LINCOLN LIVES! Champions of Death Chase Him

It started when a board gamer took an elevator up to a game where three of them were declared dead, then given a mission to find Abe Lincoln. His sister walked by, shaking her head. Little did she know, it was a real mission. In 2004, Abe Lincoln returned to Earth wearing an opera cape - and swooped down on evildoers! Coincidentally, aliens are known to have swiped dead Earthlings including Abe Lincoln. Abe came back. He once backed a parade to help stop Georgia from seceding again. (See Related Story) There are Earthlings who work for Death: the Brotherhood of the Reconaissance, a.k.a. the People of the Graves. (See Related Story) They try to prevent resurrections. Mr. Lincoln may not have been resurrected, but he's still suspicious to them. The hunters found him at a stock car race. Mr. Lincoln is fascinated by this age's mechanical contrivances. Thanks to to some alien enhancements, he's also agile enough to be a superhero, and he led them a merry chase. In the end, the Reconaissance managed to do a necro-psychic probe. They found: Abe Lincoln never died! They decided their hunt was more trouble than worth. So, Abe Lincoln walks among us still. But we now know he wasn't raised from the dead.

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. The background of this story indicates, Wyatt Ferguson was involved in one of Mr. Lincoln's previous sightings. Once again the pervading influence of Mr. Ferguson upon our Superhuman World is exposed.

February In the Halls of Xanadu. Commentator: Bruce Klybourn, World Journal Monthly.

WORLD JOURNAL MONTHLY

February 26, 2008     See Our Other Issues!

IN THE HALLS OF XANADU Men Try To Reverse "Panlucida"

The form from out of the Ultimate Darkness said, "Yes, you can have a world where women aren't as strong. Are you sure you want that?" Joe's wife just walked out on him - and took their daugher. She said, women were strong enough now to not take abuse. Joe was left with his two sons - and his wife said, she'd come back for them when she could. He figured, something in our Superhuman World had changed her and wrecked his marriage. He figured, something could change her back. Joe was a redneck, but he also knew computers. He went online where chaos mages go. He found the right counter-ritual to invoke, and three things he could do to increase it. So, he took his sons, brother, and nephew - five men to cast the spell. He went to India, then Bhutan, and found the hidden ice city of Xanadu. And he summoned and trapped a Doom Creature - the Doom Koala of Speed. The Doom Koala was just bait for a greater power. Some great power had established the spell that had made women abnormally strong. Another great power would reverse it, when Joe spoke the counter-spell. And so he spoke it. Last year, three Earthlings were swallowed by Ultimate Darkness - to save their lives. Three forms appeared. They were covered in darkness. Ultimate Darkness. One form led the forces of Darkness. It said, "Yes, you can have a world where women aren't as strong. Are you sure you want that?" Joe said, "Hell yes!" "Then that's what you'll get." A dark portal appeared. The men didn't have to move through it - it moved past them! Time travellers have visited a future where the world was ending - in 2022. On the other side, the skies were cloudy and cold. Railroad wreckage was all around. Only a few trains were functional. The five men went into the nearest train. It was filled with radiation victims. The world had had a nuclear war - and the year was 2022! The Earth was still filled with radiation. The men were doomed. Back in our world, the Bride of the Ultimate Darkness said to her two Best Men, "They wanted weakness, they got weakness. I hope they learn their lesson before they die there."

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. I have some doubts about the truth of this narrative. For one thing, all the witnesses disappeared - except for mystic forces of Doom and the Ultimate Darkness. Are we to believe, one such force consents to be interviewed by a journalist? But the goal was worthy. Unnatural sorcery changed half of humanity, and it is only natural to want to change it back and restore the natural order. Assuming the story is true, this rogue action failed. But some day, in a proper controlled manner, perhaps the world can cooperate to do that. I'd like urgency to do this, but this is not happening. Sadly, I can make individuals hurry, but I cannot make the entire world hurry.

March (March) Dire Cougar. Commentator: Gillette Harris.

Boss bring me along on a job. Wish I stayed home. I went down to Disney World. They supposed to have my hotel reservations, but lost them. They should have plenty of rooms, but they say next week is spring break. And they systems just had a floating point error, some computer thing. Train trip tomorrow, so I go sleep on train. It be a bullet train to Virginia. Boss came up with this, from new tech she got from aliens or something. I barely stay away from reporters. Boss say, not my job to talk to them. She right. Beside the tracks is flooding, good for growing rice. But the train keep going. Magnetic levitation make it fast, and keep it on track. Boss is with me: Symmetria San Giacomo, maybe the smartest woman in the world. Her secretary Dee with her. Also her drill sergeant Colin. Job before this, he trained superhumans for the Army. Now he train me. Bullet train slows down for the historic parts of Virginia. We got an open air car to let tourists and dignitaries on, for press conference. Then a cougar comes by. This happens so often, Virginia want us dial **9 from our cell phones. I can get away from the cougar if I jump high enough - and not come down. I suddenly realize I can do that. But the cougar can jump high too. Last I remember, it's at the right side of my throat. (4 Mar) ... I come to in hospital. Nurse give me a letter from the Boss. It say, without me jumping around to distract the cougar they'd been more casualties. Colin beat up the cougar, Boss got the crowd to safety in another car, and Dee stayed with me, with her blazer stuffed in the big hole in my neck to keep me from dying. Why there so many nasty cougars in Virginia? Something to do with wolves that superheroes fought in DC, two years ago. Boss get the carcass to study. How I jump so high? Blood transfusion when I came work for Boss, had some $#!+ in it make me fly. And it help me not be dead right now. Boss and I gotta talk about me fighting cougars. But this still better than South Lansing.

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. Indeed the cougar situation in Virginia bears some examination. The beasts seem to be related to the Dire Wolves which swarmed the United States capital in September 2006. In the news coverage (including that which Wyatt Ferguson published), the animals were overshadowed by the famous superheroes who fought them. However, there was some investigation of the Dire Wolves' origin. As I recall, there was conjecture of crossbreeding with some unknown alien species; Oversaurs and Spankers were mentioned in these. Alternatively I know of one countess, Teresa de Fremontagne, who specialized in breeding huge canine animals; some of those beasts escaped captivity in New Jersey in 1996, with similar results. Both of these possibilities lead to organizations such as yours. You admit to working with a countess who dabbles in alien technology and in superhuman physical enhancement. My own investigations have uncovered little but the existence of a shadowy conspiracy of organizations which deal in such things. Without proper social responsibility, such organizations can only be called villainous. Mr. Ferguson's downfall started within such a conspiracy. Beware lest you fall likewise, Mr. Harris.

March The Eye of Satan. Commentator: Bruce Klybourn, World Journal Monthly.

WORLD JOURNAL MONTHLY

March 11, 2008     See Our Other Issues!

THE EYE OF SATAN Does the Devil's Deputy Roam the Earth?

The vigilante was frozen, with a big eye across his face! The villain said, "I suppose you wonder what my interest in you is. I only ask that you let me save you. Not only you, but the world." Bandolier is the foremost vigilante of New York City. Bandolier was frozen with a big eye on his face. His captor said, "You may refer to me as the Eye of Satan." "You are obviously a learned man. I appreciate this opportunity to discourse with you, though I do neither require nor allow your response." "You may know me as one of the Secret Masters of Evil. But I am in truth Satan's viceroy on Earth. The Secret Masters are simply my Lord's underlings. "I have one good eye and one Satanic eye. I can project His Satanic eye onto any face. At normal size, it observes. At large size, it controls. It controls you now. The Voice of Satan summoned villains together in 2001! "I sense a question from you. Yes, Lord Satan loans his body parts out. The Voice of Satan is popular, and explains some gatherings of his followers. The Wang of Satan is even more popular, though. It gives Lord Satan upwards of 300 offspring a year. "You, sir, work in New York City. Your city is of interest since the Tower of Defiance and the Giant Robot attack. I felt it worth a tour. "Many Christian theologians cite Biblical evidence and say, Satan was thrown down to Earth, not Hell. Hell is his basement, but Earth is where he lives and rules. Many Satanic theologians say, Satan is the spirit of freedom from heavenly rule. Knowing what I do, I agree with both these concepts." The Eye of Satan obviously wanted to talk even more. But Bandolier had heard enough. Fortunately for Bandolier's state of mind, he could still activate a flashbang grenade. He's immune to his own grenades, but the big eye wasn't. That ended the discussion. (7 Mar)

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. I have a sorceror nemesis, Die Auge von Shaitan. Which is to say, "The Eye of Shaitan". It is almost certainly an assumed name, but he signs legal documents as "Auge von Shaitan". I regret to announce, this evil man has begun to spread his influence into the Western Hemisphere. The prevailing evidence now puts his base of operations in Sao Paulo, Brasil. He of course laughs at Christendom when he sets his foot upon any place named after Christian saints such as Saint Paul. Die Auge von Shaitan is the one man who taught me, sorcery is evil. He is the reason I fight all sorcerers, unto Wyatt Ferguson.

March Oakland Raider Day. Commentator: N. F. Pachek, World Journal Monthly.

WORLD JOURNAL MONTHLY

March 20, 2008     See Our Other Issues!

OAKLAND RAIDER DAY A Raid In a Town of Raiders

Eight superheroes are going over a chain link fence by I-680 near San Francisco, to stage an insurrection. Kristi the Firefly Girl can fly, but not necessarily carry people. So most of them climb anyway. The target's in a former public school building. When they get nearer, they mail themselves in. Which is to say, they stuff themselves in crates previously mailed here. Crush the packing peanuts, and there's plenty of room. But one crate is missing, so Leo and the Sub-Human from Atlantis have to share a box. Inside, the security room is unlocked. Are there sympathizers, or are people just sloppy? The team is led by Longbow the Archer. He runs with the superhumans, but he's really an exotic weapons specialist. So is most of his team. Kristi, Leo and the Sub-Human are just muscle. Some of them had to sneak in from Canada by raft across the end of Lake Erie. But they still had to wait in line to get their money changed before crossing the border. (5 Mar) The target is the Patriotic Homeland Corps command center for California, near Oakland. True to form, the Corps hangs out in slums where the rent and the labor are cheap. It's not like they're worried about being mugged. An unused public school is perfect for them. The objective is, civil disobedience in a manner which $#@!s up the payroll. Most of the Corps is not more than one paycheck away from a mutiny. There's also a Rotating Brainwashing Platform to take out. (See Related Story) Reportedly the Corps uses this as a backup to military training and a regular paycheck. A week later in the news, riots in the East Bay of California. The Oakland raiders succeeded.

Response by Erik Katzman, The Hurrier. The United States of America prides itself on its irresponsible frontier origins. It also prides itself on resposibly taming the rest of the world. Today it is on the frontier between responsible control and individual irresponsibility. As it reaches to control our new Superhuman World, it loses control of itself.