What About Me and Judy?

Talk Back!

April

What About Me and Judy? Commentator: Wyatt Ferguson.

After all these years, my lady and I are finally set to get married. But there's considerable opposition. (30 Apr)

• I've been courting Judy Kraaco on and off since 2001.
• We're getting married at a campground by a pond in northern Indiana. Fred Pierce, one of my few friends from Indiana, is officiating; he's been ordained since we got out of high school there.
• The wedding will be family only. We should easily fit inside one of those campground picnic shelters.
• All my side of the family is coming. Judy's side is too, except for maybe her grand-niece Mary Mystery. Fine with me. Mary's taken up black magic, which can't be good for a wedding day.

On the wedding day the Reverend Fred says he's delayed the wedding long enough, and one other friend is secretly the devil anyway. Hmm, looks like Rev Fred's gone paranoid since Judy met him with me last September.

• But Rev Fred's not the only one who's paranoid. Police have shut down the pavilions because of a murder plot! Well, there goes the wedding venue. And the police are looking at me funny right now.
• I'm not a criminal, but I am allergic to authority figures. And I've long since acquired the reflex: When in danger, disappear. "Disappear" is actually my best superhuman power. But now isn't the best time, if I'm going to take this lifetime commitment stuff seriously.
• I compromise; I invite Judy along. When she declines, I indulge my emergency reflex by myself, but I stay close: I just avoid police by going up a hiking trail. This trail will go all the way to a shopping mall if I want.

When I stop for a rest, someone says my co-plotter owes them $724 - and then runs off. My brother Calvin is nearby in his car, saying, "Son of a gun."

• ... Oh, come on. I'm being framed, and probably impersonated too. I don't know any superhumans who impersonate people, but normal people can do that, and demons do it all the time. Just this once, I stop to tell Calvin this instead of just disappearing.
• Calvin responds, "Judy says, don't bother. You already ran away today, and that's it."
• "Oh? Is this the moment I'm supposed to prove my undying love by letting myself get framed? I'm sorry, but that's happened before, and I swore never again."
• "Well, yeah. I'd say go back, but Judy says she knows you won't."

As I depart, I hear Mary Mystery say, "So there." I look around, but Mary's not there.

This just makes things more dangerous. I still bolt.

As soon as I got access to Internet from a cheap hotel, I sent Judy e-mail to tell her what I thought and what I felt. She still hasn't responded. I know she's seen the message. I've followed up by phone, but she isn't answering.

It would be nice if I were actually a mage myself, instead of just a guy who has an unexplainable link to mystic power. I do have friends who are "white mages", though. They say they don't know whether Mary Mystery actually summoned a demonic duplicate, but she probably cast a paranoia spell on the venue. That would explain why I felt so much like running away, when I know damn well no government can hold me.

But that doesn't mean I'm going back. My motivations were entangled when I fled the wedding, but I'm becoming glad to be free from Judy's dysfunctional family stuff. Judy and I could have been forever, but not Judy and me and dysfunctional relatives who want to leech us. I am quite simply not a family man, especially not when the family has sworn vengeance against me.

Last I heard from Judy, she'd moved in with Mary Mystery and a commune of faith healers. Mary's supposedly using her powers for good - and for contributions. She tells her partners she's inspired by Bible women - without mentioning her links to (among others) the infamous Bible women Herodias and Jezebel, and the goddess Asherah.

Well, Judy and I both chose. I chose to run from her, and she chose not to talk to me after that. Maybe Judy's life will still work. Maybe mine will too.