Me in Comic Books:
Me in Comic Books
The League of Extradimensional MightyFriends
I've been building a multiversal alliance to fight the Council of Ordered Realities. Now it's ready for action. Featuring:
Order of Battle. Here's my force...
- I have my own mercenary force, Tyrmj. I've been keeping them busy on one of my alternate earths.
- I have several representatives of alternate earths ready to move into leadership positions in Ordered Realities, once we stage our coup.
- Earth-Tyrmj provides, of course, Tyrmj.
- Earth-Sovietica provides several friends of mine, whom I met in the resistance in Canada. They have some magic powers.
- Earth-Cyborg provides some people who owe me a favor, since I helped them fight a giant robot.
- Earth-Untermensch provides a particularly bitter version of the Fantastic Four, because they're all treated like freaks there. For starters, imagine the ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing always saying "Bah!" like he did in 1961.
- I've invited some more allies into the effort. Batman, Doctor Strange, and (now I can say it) Ellipsis have all been under observation or attack from Ordered Realities. (13 August 2003)
But the enemy controls a reality where Poland conquered the world. Really. Poland has rocket cavalry, an outer space death platform, its own League of Assassins, and all that good stuff. And it can draw upon allies from across the universes, which helps explain why Poland rules its world and provides a good base for omniversal conquest.
In short, we're still overmatched.
Plan Quartermoon. If we had to strike today, we figure the odds of success are about 25%. Hence the term, "Quartermoon". If the plan gets more likely to succeed, someday it might graduate to "Halfmoon" or even "Fullmoon".
- My force is awfully cool, but it has its limits. Basically, we have to win fast without a lot of bloodshed. If we're stuck in a prolonged war against a coalition of multiversal power brokers and all their militaries, we're done for.
- And I've come under observation from Ordered Realities myself, since they used me against Doctor Strange. For some reason, they're trying to clean up against their enemies now, or anyone who might be one. And they properly suspect I might be one now.
First Strike. I've come under attack! But it could give me a really good opportunity...
- I've been infected with a biological agent. Presumably it's supposed to make me sick... or maybe dead.
- But my blood cells are better than that; they're all biological agents themselves. So there's a rumble in my body... and I win.
- Now that I think about it, if I had enough extra blood cells, I could launch one hell of an attack myself... (19 August)
- There's a rescue situation which seems to depend on whether a certain SUV is drivable and on whether I have to use Olympic-thickness darts or regular thickness. But let's build up to this...
- Once I tell my mercenaries about my blood cells, they like the idea of replicating them. But my blood cells need a bit more than red meat to keep them going.
- There is a substance called Unobtainium which is the basis of many superhuman powers. It seems my blood cells are laced with it. If I want more blood cells, I need more Unobtainium. And the mercenaries are willing to go get some.
- There is a mountain in Montana called "Crazy Mountain" that has some very small deposits of the material. Most universes have this mountain, so we find one that's not actively mined or guarded, and they go up there in a jeep.
- But they come under attack! I join the rescue party, throwing darts against our pursuers during a classic action jeep chase. (23 August 2003)
Laying Low. Like I said, I'm under observation from our enemies. Until Plan Quartermoon grows up, I'd better not hang out with the troops too much. But I'm practically incapable of laying low. So, I go back home and draw attention away from them.
Death Trap. Galactus is dead in spirit and I'm dead in body, but we might make a comeback together before the spider aliens feast on us... huh? How did this happen? Well, I'm not entirely sure, but I suspect someone sent the spiders after me.
- "Home", of course, is a relative term, since I'm a roving travel writer. I start with a cross-country road trip with some relatives for protective coloration. Aside from that, I travel from American coast to coast, and put in public appearances in five different American states. (26 August 2003)
- But I still keep an eye out for allies. For one thing, Adam Warlock and I tour a motel where some mutants live. This is only practical, now that mutants are unionizing. But the unions are kind of picky about work conditions, so I guess recruiting some mutants for my extradimensional army is right out. (9 September)
- And I'm still coming under attack. For one thing, one of my cow-orkers and I are in a test lab, when people come in with guns and take hostages. They try to leave the building with us, but there's confusion down in the lobby, so we calmly walk out the other way. (27 August 2003)
Plan Fullmoon. I've just found what I needed. Plan Quartermoon just grew up!
- I actually met these Spiders when I threw the Galactic Party, but we didn't make friends. I'd guess they consider me a threat, because when they attacked me, they said, "Die, Deathbringer!"
- They've got a big cannon, with an apparently docile Galactus as a power source. (They've done their research on how to deal with destroyers... it helps their cause to use them as power sources.) Surely I have superhuman powers now, and I usually pump them all into defense, but if you hit me with Galactus, surely I die.
- Yes, I know that most people now consider Galactus to be a specially-equipped weather balloon that Reed Richards tried to launch from the roof of the Baxter Building. But I've seen the records of Thanos, so I know better.
- Surely, Galactus caused nationwide hysteria at the time, but everyone who knew the truth, thought it was best to conceal it.
- Besides, Galactus has appeared so often since then, he's almost blase. I've even met Galactus. Yes, he seemed awfully docile at the time.
- I've actually died once before. I got better that time, but I have it on my father's authority that this trick only works once. And he's right. That time, those special blood cells of mine brought me back. This time, they're working so hard to support my now-superhuman metabolism, they burn me to ashes while I watch.
- Death Herself is there to welcome me to my retirement from life, along with Galactus Himself who is similarly retired. Death and I are familiar with each other; I used to work for her. In fact, I still think of her as The Boss. Which is a good thing, because it seems she has one last job for me...
- Galactus is tired of life. He never particularly enjoyed exterminating entire species to survive; Earth heroes have actually been known to summon ghosts to haunt him. And lately, he's been banished to a pocket universe, humiliated by eight mostly-human mostly-heroes there, brought back, turned into a living sun, and brought back again. And he didn't enjoy it at all. Galactus hungers... for oblivion.
- Well, that would explain why he was so sedate when we met, earlier this year... as well as why a bunch of spiders were able to get the best of him.
- But the universe needs Galactus, for some vague reason that The Boss isn't willing to go into, except that it relates to the end of time. If I'd like to come back to life, The Boss will let me get away with it this time... if I come back as Galactus. Well... that could be your classic bad bargain.
- In my experience, great power leads to great irrelevance at best, great angst at worst. What does greatest power lead to?
- But on the other hand, I have substantial unfinished business. And Galactuspower could surely come in handy there.
- So, I come back as Galactus. But there's still some detail to attend to...
- Galactus needs a herald. It's the same principle as an army needing scouts, as opposed to just blindly moving the entire army around. Surely the army may be undefeatable, but they still have to eat more when they march.
- And heralds are hard to find where we are. The only candidates are a bunch of alien giant spiders, and a pile of ashes that used to be my body.
- Of course, Galactus is able to animate the dead; that's "Cosmic Power 101". He can even rebuild them from their ashes if he feels like it. But Galactus does not have good experience with soulless heralds; they just get confused and beaten up. Galactus requires his heralds each have a soul.
- Well then... I actually have four souls, because I've been through almost that many universal merges. It looks like I'll have to spare one to move my old body around.
- The spider aliens don't last terribly long after that. Neither does their homeworld. Galactus hungers... and when you mess with destroyers, you take the chance of destruction. (4 September 2003)
- Lest the reader wonder who writes this... that would still be me, Wyatt Ferguson, resident of Earth. Galactus may have a claim of authorship for my memoirs, since we shared some souls for a while, but Galactus does truly not care about documenting his adventures for the benefit of Earthlings. I'm the only one here who cares about that. But anyway...
- When Galactus and I shared souls, it was only because we were both dead. Back at Plan Quartermoon headquarters, the force knew I was dead, because I had a heartbeat monitor. Reactions were mixed.
- The friends I'd made on "Earth-Sovietica" were genuinely mourning. Part of me had fought at their side for years. So, they started a memorial service.
- The mercenaries of "Earth-Tyrmj" were reviewing their contracts. I'd had the forethought to pay in advance for a vengeance clause, wherein they hunt my killers should that situation arise. So, they were at the memorial service, so their mystics could search the ether for traces of my psychic essence.
- Everyone else was saying, "Aw, dammit, our meal ticket's gone." But they were at the memorial service, 'cause there was a buffet afterward.
- And so it comes as a great surprise during the memorial, when the mystic sensitives get a strong message from my psychic essence, with prearranged codewords "ESCALATION THANATOS SECUNDUS FULLMOON! REPEAT FULLMOON!" And then the comm operator gets the same message via subspace comm channels. So, my forces abandon their mourning and go into action.
- After a bit of preparation, my forces teleport into the alternate universe Warsaw where the Congress of Ordered Realities has its headquarters. Then Galactus puts up a barrier around the whole city, and teleports it out of its dimension. That should nicely separate it from a universe's worth of reinforcements - and hopefully a entire multiverse's worth, if the barrier is strong enough for long enough.
- Inside the city, of course there's chaos. The city has some defenders: rocket cavalry, if you can believe that.
- Some of the cavalrymen ride horses and fire rockets; some of them ride rockets and fire... no, not horses, just electified nets and other futuristic weaponry. But their cool weapons are no longer working, because Galactus has landed Warsaw in my favorite alternate-universe Quebec... the Quebec with the no-science zone.
- Of course, these cavalrymen and their horses are still genetically enhanced to kick ass. But this is where my surplus blood cells go to work. They are now biological agents which bring my opponents under their mental control. And we've opened cannisters of these things over the barracks. That takes care of about two thirds of the opposition.
- For the rest... well, the Polish rocket cavalry is more or less superhuman even without their rockets, and Tyrmj never guaranteed they were able to defeat superhumans. That's why I brought the Fantastic Four from Earth-Untermensch along. With this, it's just like 1961 all over again.
- The Thing, of course, says "Bah!" as he smashes all comers.
- The Human Torch says "Damn you for making me burn you!" as he puts up walls of flame.
- The Invisible Woman says nothing, but there's a large spherical part of the battlefield that our enemies can't penetrate.
- Reed Richards is known as Doktor Untermensch where he comes from... but he's still willing (not happy) to exercise his powers and lead his comrades in battle. From what I heard afterward, they're as effective as ever.
- Naturally, there are still mages within the city, who only laugh at this No-Science zone. But my friends from Earth-Sovietica said they'd do their best to deal with those.
- And my friends are fighting on their home ground now, where they know the magic forces. If nothing else, they'll set up a nice diversion.
- And I know they'll stand their ground if they need to, so I'm going to trust them on this one.
- Besides, Tyrmj still has sixty mages who take orders; ten of them are helping my friends out. One hopes that will suffice.
- Of course, there's still this one alternate-universe Kryptonian that Ordered Realities controls. Batman said he'd neutralize that one, but he wouldn't tell us how. So Ellipsis and Dr. Strange are going after him too. (I heard later how that went. Suffice it to say, it took all three of them to get the job done.)
- And, Poland has some other superhumans - their own League of Assassins, enhanced with the best tech from many universes. But Batman, Doctor Strange and Ellipsis are surprisingly all experienced in recruiting superhumans to fight alongside them, so we have parity on that front. Batman was particulary interested in recruiting anti-Assassin fighters.
- I, of course, am busy. I've sensibly left the command duties to the Master of Tyrmj... but he's put me to work impersonating the enemy commander-in-chief, Alan Stanjem. That helps keep our enemies disorganized. And it has to be me who does this, because I'm the only one who's ever seen this guy.
- Unfortunately, Plan Quartermoon assumed I could provide my own superpowers to help out with this. I can't do this now for Plan Fullmoon, so we have to cope.
- I can't change my own appearance the way I used to... but my friends from Earth-Sovietica can fix my appearance for me this one time. I hope I don't get stuck this way before they can change it back.
- I also can't fly around the city the way I used to with my own superpowers... but fortunately, I'm still able to dart through the city with the speed of the fastest jungle animal, since Galactus resurrected my bicycle along with me. Somehow, it figures that even after all I've been through, it all comes down to my ability to ride a bike.
- Eventually, we find the bunker where the commander-in-chief is hiding. And this guy is my primary target, Alan Stanjem. He's the guy who started threatening me and all my allies, earlier this year. And now, he's got his hand on a dead man's switch of some sort, that will supposedly release an unstoppable wave of antimatter across the universes.
- Well, I think he's bluffing... and so does Batman, who's actually dealt with this sort of thing before,and knows what sort of supervillain it would take to start something like this. And so does Doctor Strange, who knows how much mystic energy it would take to start something like this. And so does Ellipsis, who knows how much Unobtainium it would take to start something like this.
- And so we call the bluff. Phew, we're right. At least for now, because if this stuff works at all, it works across all times, all universes.
- But as Batman says, his lands already had one of those waves. That would seem to indicate, we've survived.
- Besides, we're not dead yet, and that's always a good sign.
- So, we're victorious. Now we get to replace our opponents.
So it looks like it's all over, happily ever after. But there's still one loose end...
- I, impersonating Alan Stanjem, step down in his name. By rights, his office goes to the host reality for the Congress... which is now my allies in Earth-Sovietica, because Galactus just planted Warsaw across the St. Lawrence River from their own Quebec City. And not in the Arctic Riviera in my own reality the way Ellipsis wanted. Oh well for Ellipsis.
- But Ellipsis still gets something he wanted. There was a seat on the Council, occupied by a representative of some alternate Ellipsis, who'd delegated to another reality entirely because he couldn't be bothered. My Ellipsis is more interested now, and he grabs the seat with relish.
- Marvel-Earth is represented here by Doctor Doom... which, of course, is really a Doombot. (I think all Doctors Doom are really Doombots now.) It got shut down as soon as we arrived in this No Science zone. So we give Dr. Strange the seat. He promptly yields in favor of the Fantastic Four from Earth-Untermensch, as previously arranged.
- DC-Earth is represented by some guy called "The King of Pain", who says he's powered by desire and comes from an earth of vertigo, or something. But none of my allies recognize him, especially not Batman who catalogues every superhuman in his universe. So we expel him and give Batman the seat.
- Batman was supposed to yield to Earth-Cyborg, but he keeps the seat in the name of the JLA. My allies are kind of annoyed, but I suppose Batman can dig up some hero to keep the seat warm, so I'm still happy.
- The Polish rocket cavalrymen are welcome to stay, if they can deal with how their rockets don't work here. But most of them love Poland and want to go home, even though the Warsaw they know and love is now overlooking the Citadel of Quebec. This leaves a vacancy in the Ordered Realities Police. But the force of Tyrmj is willing to take a contract for this duty.
Me in the Marvel Universe: The End. Yes, it's the Last Me Story. At least in the Marvel Universe - for the foreseeable future. I was tooling around the universes with practically no limits to my power for a while... but now I have to pay the price.
- I've been resurrected with cosmic power (or is it Power Cosmic?) from Galactus. But the big guy has made it clear that unless I wish to abandon Earth forever and become his herald, my life is all I get from him. Which is pretty cheeky of him, considering I brought him back to life too.
- Still, I'd be ready to drop it all and go see the universe... but the part of me that likes adventure seems to be missing now. I'd guess that part is in Galactus. I probably mentioned earlier, I lost most of my soul to him.
- I can't even jump between the universes the way I used to. Once I leave here, I'll have to pick one world and stick with it.
- I accuse Galactus of stealing my dreams. But he responds, "Galactus knows your dreams - and has taken possession of less than one quarter of them. Humans dream of adventure, but they also dream of their families, their friends, and the lands they love. Galactus may not." Well, that shuts me up.
- So, I have just one choice left. Do I go "home" to the universe of the Marvels, or do I go to the other "home" where the more inventive superhumans like Ellipsis live? Surely, Ellipsis dislikes me, but some of the "Marvels" (particularly Iron Man) do too.
- In the Marvel Universe, I'm the overseer of the estate of Thanos and can live in comfort forever. But just then, I get a telegram (or whatever) saying, Thanos is back from the dead (go figure), and no longer requires my services. Doesn't that just figure.
- And then, Ellipsis mentions to me that I took a challenge of his when I didn't theoretically have to - and he respects me for it.
- Ellipsis had challenged me to act like a defender of mankind. And, if I've done nothing else these past several months, I have at least defended my lands and all of mankind who live there, from an ominversal psychopath who commands dimension-jumping armies. And I just now overthrew that psychopath.
- I can't say I came out ahead in this vengeance quest of mine. I went in with massive power and massive wealth; I'm coming out as a normal human with an uncertain future. But still, I always take my little victories where I can.
- So basically, I walk into the sunset with Ellipsis.