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Domination of Eiler

The Blog of Domination #3

Other Blogs: 1 2 3 4.

"Blog" is short for "Web log". Which is to say, an online diary.

The Domination of Eiler usually doesn't need an ongoing web log. However, there are special occasions where Domination conquests or other incidents inside the Core Territories are particularly worthy of note. For these occasions, the Domination has finally established a web log.

Like most blogs, the most recent episodes come first. Not quite like storytelling, eh?

March 2006 - October 2005

Previous: September - June 2005 May - February 2005

In This Episode:

25 February 2006

Charity in Scumburg and Palatine
An interesting study in rich and poor.

As part of regular Saturday patrols, the Domination deploys a force out of its home base in the relatively rich village of Scumburg, to work for the poor in the relatively poor village of Palatine. Today at dinner, the Domination discovered Palatine residents who volunteer in Scumburg!

The Palatine volunteers were hanging out at the neighborhood saloon and pizza place, before going to a volunteer appreciation banquet held by the Woodfield Area Children's Organization (or WACO, pronounced "wacko") .

  • Though the Village of Scumburg is rich enough to have a skyline and the huge Woodfield shopping mall, it still has poverty. WACO supports poor children there.
  • And residents of Palatine turn out to support these efforts... though they appreciate the irony, because there's enough money floating around the Woodfield area as it is.

Heh. It's always something.

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2 February 2006

The Declaration of Pavement Day
A much more logical holiday than Groundhog Day.

In the news today, it was sunny in Pennsylvania. Therefore, the official groundhog of Groundhog Day saw his shadow. Therefore, if one believes that groundhog shadows are an accurate predictor of the weather, six more weeks of winter are coming.

However, the Domination of Eiler has a better metric. Yesterday, the Domination's tenacious NARF-Cycle cast its shadow upon the clear and snow-free pavement of a bike trail, for the first time since November. The Domination's Chief Meteorologist says, this means no more weeks of winter!

In gratitude to the One Maker, the Dominator hereby declares the holiday of Pavement Day, the first day every year when the bike trails are clear. Pavement Day is considered to be the first day of spring, no matter what the damn groundhog says.

Of course, spring may still be cold in February. But the Domination can handle it, as long as the bike trails are clear.

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24 January 2006

Power in the Dominator's Blood
But what happens when people try to access that power directly?

For the past eight months, the Domination of Eiler has engaged in blood ritual. Every two months, technicians drain a pint of the Dominator's blood, for later insertion into up to three Domination citizens chosen at random. The citizens get a bit of authentic Domination vitality; the Dominator gets an excuse to goof off, eat cookies, and drink even more liquids than usual; the host company smugly takes credit for the whole thing; and everyone's happy.

Happiest of all are the middlemen. The American Red Cross and the private vendor LifeSource vie for the privilege of sending technicians to the Domination's engineering facilities to draw blood; at the Domination's "Some Big Company-Base Hoffman" facility, they take turns every two months. They're especially fond of informing the Dominator that a pint of his blood has the power to save three lives.

The precise benefit for the middlemen is unclear, but the Domination's lead economic analyst suspects, money is probably involved at some level. Still, whatever the underlying motivations, the blood ritual has useful results; the Domination and its allies still support it.

It's been a month since the last blood drive, so LifeSource is already inviting people to register for the blood drive next month. The Dominator signed up today, via a convenient online form.

Today the form had some extra fields to fill in...

Business: LifeSource Blood Services
Service: Blood Donation
Name: _____
Phone: _____
E-mail: _____
Purpose: _____
On Behalf Of: _____

Some of the data fields had obvious answers. On others, the Dominator's engineering staff was inventive in filling in the responses.

Purpose: Ritual Bloodletting
On Behalf Of: Power in the Blood

The Domination got a very polite response.

Dear Power in the Blood:

Thank you for reserving the following appointment:

(and so on)

The power in the Dominator's blood is, of course, the Dominator's blood cells. And now that the power has been registered under its own name in an online form, it's been targeted for e-mail. The conclusion is obvious. The Domination's blood vendors now consider human donors to be middlemen, and are trying to bypass them to recruit the blood cells directly!

Fortunately, the Dominator's blood cells are loyal to the Domination of Eiler, and still support the Domination plan of blood ritual. Admittedly, the blood cell force has the occasional deserter, during an injury from extreme biking or a bar fight or some such thing. But now these traitorous blood cells will be given the opportunity to line up at the Dominator's tap point for organized exodus. After several months of Domination blood ritual, the tap point is easily identifiable.

So, everyone's still happy.

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17 January 2006

Smokers vs. the Domination of Eiler
Just like anything, a few bad ones can spoil it for everyone.

The Domination of Eiler actively supports the practice of dining out. When the Dominator goes out, he usually sits at the bar, because it has (1) better service, and (2) fewer children. Unfortunately, bars have more cigarette smoke too.

The Domination of Eiler doesn't consider second-hand smoke a major health risk. The Dominator's parents both inhaled plenty of first-hand smoke, and both died of cancer... but that was their own choice. The Dominator and his bodyguard (the Domination Guard) put up with more risk than second -hand smoke from automobile-generated carbon monoxide during bicycle commuting. Compared with that, second-hand smoke is just an annoyance... kind of like children. But usually if you ask nicely, a good smoker (or a good parent) will move the annoyance so it's not in your face.

But tonight, the smokers weren't good. They were two smokers, out on a date. The woman (not "lady") was holding her cigarette towards other people's faces, not hers. (Might the smoke have been irritating to her? Aww, too $#@!ing bad.) In this case, "other people" was the Dominator. After the third cigarette or so, this proved tiresome. So the Domination Guard asked her if she could move her cigarette five inches the other direction.

The smoker man (not "gentleman"; more of a "Guido") immediately took offense, and started preaching about how the non-smoking area was that way. For a moment, it looked like he might shove his girlfriend aside just so he could blow smoke in the Dominator's face.

It's crap like that, which makes people want to vote for non-smoking initiatives. Smokers Beware!

But the Domination of Eiler can also take some specific action if need be. Bad parents who won't control their children in public, have already led the Domination into alliance with the "Childfree" anti-parenting movement. One Childfree group still benefits from the Domination's sponsorship. Are bad smokers looking to give their enemies Domination sponsorship too?

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15 December 2005

The Return of Scary Santa
Partymas in the Domination of Eiler
Shake It, Scary Santa

The Domination of Eiler held its Xmas party... sort of.

It started as just another Thursday night out with the coalition partners. But then people started asking when this year's Scary Santa party was. So, Scary Santa made an appearance. And all the coalition partners amused themselves by dressing up as him.

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9 December 2005

Public Performance of the Domination Anthem
The Dominator can't believe he actually pulled this one off...

Once upon a time, some big company wanted to put on an Xmas party and Talent Show. The management called out far and wide, for jesters to entertain them at the festival. But few were found.

Eventually, the call reached as far as the Domination of Eiler. The Domination Guard choral force said, "We will sing for the glory of the Domination, but only if we can wear our mighty Domination uniform, raise the Domination flag, and sing the Domination Anthem."

This company has been exposed to the Domination uniform during the Halloween Friday patrol. And the Domination Anthem goes to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer", which is almost necessary to sing at most Xmas holiday parties. So the Dominator agreed, it was worth a try.


And so, the Domination Guard choral force dressed up like St. Klaus, only in a Domination uniform. It went into the Talent Show. It raised the Domination flag high. And it led the audience in the Domination Anthem. It even gave out prizes to those who sang along. All Hail the Domination!

To fulfill some treaty obligations with coalition partners, the Domination Guard also proved it can program complicated audio-visual equipment and play the harmonica. Many more details are available here.

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12 November 2005

Episcopalian Ceremonial Mass Maneuver
The Domination of Eiler helps give more than one meaning to "Mass".

Today the Episcopal Diocese of Chicago gave the Domination of Eiler the unprecedented honor of holding its annual convention at Arlington Raceway Park (okay, actually at the Arlington Park Sheraton Hotel), well within the Core Territories of the Domination of Eiler. The Domination in turn gave honor to the Diocese; it deployed the Domination Guard choral force to sing with the Episcopal choir at Kingdon-of-Heaven obeisance.

Episcopalians call their obeisance "Mass", just like Catholics do. But when you stuff 1000 people in a ballroom and have them chant the liturgy in unison, this gives a massive new meaning to "Mass". It's quite impressive, in a way that similar numbers of mainstream Protestants have not been seen to reproduce, not even at Boston's "Congress" Christian convention.

Present at the ceremony:

  • Aztec ceremonial dancers! Okay, they were really from Elgin-Illinois, but they were dressed up like ancient Mexicans. And they danced in the aisles.
  • Spanish and Korean subtitles for some of the chants! One of the hymns was even mostly in Spanish. Singing in the choir for that hymn, resembled being the choral support for a Macarena dance show. Which is fun.
  • Lots of people in funky robes, even though they weren't the Bishops of Chicago. (The Diocese of Chicago is big enough to require an assistant Bishop.) In particular, the lead usher resembled Jor-El of Krypton. Or... was he an usher?
  • Children in the Intercessor's Guild, leading the congregation in prayer - without robes or a lot of flowery language! Jesus of Nazareth did invite the children to come to him - and it's always nice to see children take that invitation seriously.
  • One whiny infant, whose handlers carried it up to the front corner of the hall, right behind the choir, and then slowly juggled it arm-to-arm and parent-to-parent, while it made strangled-cat noises. The struggle for respectful interpretation of the phrase "Come to Jesus" continues.

In all of this, the choir could have become the weakest link. Traditionally, the Diocese of Chicago does most of its choral recruitment on the morning of the ceremony. That is to say, a "pick-up" choir. Today, the service had at least 1000 participants, but the choir had only 20 singers. Or, in other words, Chicago-Illinois big-city cathedral ceremony, but Douglas-Massachusetts small-town crusade choir.

But thankfully, the Diocese of Chicago choir held up its end of the ceremony. The combination of hard-core Episcopalian veteran singers and the Domination of Eiler, is a hard one to beat.

  • During regular Domination patrols, the Domination Guard choral force is encouraged to sing softly. But today there was no reason to hold back. And, if nothing else, the Domination Guard is forceful, in singing as in many things. And so were most of the allies today.
  • Most of the allies observed massive choral discipline, too. In particular, they took care to breathe only when the text had a "comma" - even during hymns, wherein the congregation always breathes after each stanza, whether or not the text agrees. It is suspected, the veteran choir director dragged most of them along.
  • It can now be reasonably stated that the Domination Guard choral force cannot provide the best baritone voice available to Episcopalians in northeastern Illinois, but today it ranked roughly in the top five.
  • More importantly, the Domination's intervention in the ceremony helped provide that extra bit of "oomph". All praise to the One Maker.
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6 November 2005

Intervention at Charity Thrift Store
The Domination of Eiler mobilizes its citizens for the public good.

As part of regular Domination patrols, the Domination Guard engineering force maintains a Saturday afternoon garrison at charity thrift store "Home-of-Sparrow" in Palatine-Illinois for public relations purpose. Battered women and children benefit from this.

Unlike most volunteers at the store, the Domination Guard has the ability to assemble furniture and move heavy objects - and on occasion, the ability to mobilize the Domination's citizens to do the same. So, when "Home-of-Sparrow" needs to move boxes and set up artificial Christmas trees for the holiday season, it doesn't ask its major corporate or megachurch sponsors. It asks the Domination of Eiler. Or, more literally, the manager says, "Can you bring your friends from last year?"

And so, today the Domination Guard and some trusted coalition partners deployed on a Sunday afternoon to help set up.

  • The coalition partners were veteran recruits from "Some Big Company". Sadly, it wasn't a good company weekend for that; the company was in the middle of a weekend-long conference call, and felt free to interfere with both sleep and charity. 2/3 of the expeditionary force (including the Domination Guard) had been woken up that morning; half of those were even summoned back to work that afternoon.
  • For what it's worth, the coalition partners are all Hindus. Asking a Hindu to assemble an artificial Christmas tree, is like asking a bachelor to assemble a crib (which this store has also asked). Fortunately, Hindus are cheerfully tolerant of other religious customs, no matter how strange.
  • The Domination's sponsored microchurch was also considered for recruitment. However, it hasn't risen to the occasion even for Saturday operations, so the Domination chose to excuse them from thrift store duty which would make them skip the coffee hour on Sunday.

"Home-of-Sparrow" was grateful to its volunteers, and paid for the pizza afterwards. (Compare and contrast with "Some Big Company", which has scheduled a recognition luncheon for its own charity volunteers, such as the Domination's woodcarving force - and asked for volunteers to bring the food.)

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28 October 2005

Halloween Friday 2005 in the Domination of Eiler
The Domination of Eiler and its citizens observe the leading Domination holiday.
The Dominator

Halloween Friday is the single most popular Domination holiday. On the October Friday nearest Halloween every year, the Domination throws a costume party for its citizens. Response is always enthusiastic.

In the Domination of Eiler, each year's Halloween is practically a campaign, of the same magnitude as the Easter operations of 2005. Most Halloween campaign details are available at the Domination's propaganda web site; this year's are at Halloween 2005. As often happens, photos speak louder than operational journals.

Suffice it to say, this year for Halloween, the Domination of Eiler dressed up as the Domination of Eiler. And the Domination prepared a spare superhero costume - which resulted in a crossover between reality and fantasy. As a result, the Domination of Eiler is now a supporting character in the Domination's own web fiction!

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26 October 2005

The Hall of Sticks Strikes Again
The Domination of Eiler makes some money from woodcarving. But not much.

Last year, the Domination of Eiler deployed its "Hall of Sticks" woodcarving force to support a charity craft fair at its coalition partner, "Some Big Company". The operation was most lucrative for all concerned. Six sticks were sold then.

This year, the Domination deployed again in support of this cause. The Hall of Sticks put its full force forward. Twenty-six sticks were deployed. One stick was sold.

Other merchants at the festival reported similarly disappointing results. The guy one booth over, who offers maps of Africa drawn on banana leaves, thinks the economy's just slow.

Perhaps after recent disasters, the Domination's citizenry is ambivalent about spending money on emergency preparedness items, such as sticks to help them cross icy parking lots in safety. Or maybe they don't realize that walking sticks are an emergency preparednes item. Oh well.

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