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Domination of Eiler Journal #12
The Great Burning of Baraboo, 2006
What Is the Domination of Eiler?
In one sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a political entity modeled upon the Holy Roman Empire. Which is to say, it works through national and local political entities, but transcends nation-state boundaries. You may already be a citizen without knowing it!
In another sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a pen name for an amateur but very prolific web journalist. Perhaps you may enjoy these travel writings, given this simple guide:
The Domination of Eiler is led by, of course, the Dominator.
Its chief military force, and bodyguard of the Dominator, is the Domination Guard.
The Domination's world headquarters has been moved from Scumburg-Illinois! It is now in Palatine-Illinois, still near Chicago - and Wisconsin. As such, Wisconsin remains a target for Domination patrols.
On the Day of Glory two months ago, the Domination of Eiler told its major corporate sponsor to eat Dominance. Afterward, it transferred its primary EilerBase from Scumburg-Illinois to cheaper lodgings in nearby Palatine-Illinois.
As part of the move, two crates of sensitive documents (old tax returns and such) were uncovered. These documents need destruction.
Mercenary operatives will shred up to ten crates of documents for a flat price of $60. However, there being only two crates here, this solution is not satisfying.
Coincidentally, several of the Domination's coalition partners (from the old corporate sponsor) are going camping this weekend. Which means campfires. Which means burning of firewood, and trash, and maybe even sensitive documents. $60 will buy two nights of camping. So, the Domination of Eiler is supporting this maneuver.
The campout takes place in Baraboo-Wisconsin, which is about the closest place to EilerBase that is still beyond the Domination's front line. So, the maneuver will be simple enough to do in a weekend, but there will still be some new conquest involved.
Day 0: Saturday 19 August 2006
Due to recent drastic life change, the average Domination weekend starts on Sunday. This puts the Domination one day out of phase with its coalition partners. But this could be an advantage, if only for avoiding Friday night crowds.
Domination expeditionary force deployed from place of work, the venerable "Sparrow's Nest Thrift Store" of Palatine-Illinois. Forces of man and nature fell into alignment with the Domination's goals, one by one.
- The store usually has a swarm of customers who have to be aversion-trained away from shopping after the closing time of 5 pm. But tonight, the store emptied out on its own, five minutes early! Expedition under way by 5:05.
- Against advice from coalition partners who prefer superhighways, U.S. Route 12 was chosen for exit from Chicagoland. Opposition light on a Saturday night, and as ever, it evaporated beyond the last suburb.
- Conditions in Illinois hot and muggy, with dark clouds approaching. But past the clouds, conditions in Wisconsin cool and sunny! Cold front passed the coalition camp site Saturday morning. Too bad for allies who camped there Friday night, but perfect for the Domination of Eiler.
- Gasoline in Wisconsin is about 20 cents cheaper than in Illinois - and still under $3! Maybe not cheaper than Wisconsin milk, but close. Refueling accomplished along Route 14 shortcut between Interstates 43 and 90.
Rapid deployment was wildly successful. The Domination force made it to Wisconsin state park "Devils-Lake" by 8 pm, as planned. Operational music "Outcast".
However, something was still wrong. The Dominator has a Doom Sense, which had been tingling all afternoon. Usually it means a critical piece of luggage is missing. But tonight, it meant the campground lost the reservation! Thankfully, they found it eventually.
Camp erected by 8:30, thanks to the Domination Guard's pop-up tent which has now camped in both Maine and Wisconsin. Successfully then united with coalition partners at different camp site, just in time for massive banquet of grilled meats, thank you. The Domination Guard provided nasty Swedish vodka, plus disposable shot glasses. Disposable glasses much appreciated.
Life is good.
Day 1: Sunday 19 August 2006
Due to late start last night, Domination Guard force stayed up until 1 am but didn't drink too much! However, white-trash campers at nearby site started noise at 7 am - with a puking sound. Other campers soon revealed the presence of incredibly whiny-ass kids who really, really don't like camping. Earplugs not handy, and will be needed for continued Domination of this site.
After breakfasts, coalition forces invited the Domination Guard for a mountain bike ride. However, after months of storage, the tired old NARF-Cycle mountain bike was discovered to have a flat tire. This was easily fixed at local Baraboo bike shop a few miles away, but it still precluded a combined maneuver.
Having separated from allies, the Dominator took the opportunity to have prime rib and Leinenkugel draft beer for lunch at "Hooty's Bar and Grill", near the park gate. Lacking in horseradish sauce, but still tasty.
Sadly, Baraboo town museum closed on Sunday and Monday. Other Baraboo attractions "Log Cabin Restaurant" (pancakes on a steel plate) and "Circus World" not of interest. The Dominator got dragged to both those places as a child, and he doubts they've changed much.
Instead, returned to camp and reunited with allies to go down to beach. The combined force promptly fractured in four directions, for swimming, kayaking, rock climbing, and (for the Domination Guard) hiking.
- The lake is 3 miles around and was not circumnavigated, but a scenic view was still conquered, despite some resistance. Damned place had so many weekend hikers, it was like the Ho Chi Minh Trail.
- The Domination Guard reunited with a few allies for a hygenic dip in the lake. Other allies expressed interest, but the entire force never did quite unite for that.
- One trophy taken. The Domination obtained a new cow-colored bandana at the camp store, just in case it finally wears out the one it already has. Or loses it in spectacular fashion. The Domination actually has a history of cow-colored bandanas.
- Conquered in Key West, 1995. Blew out to sea from the Statue of Liberty, 1997.
- Conquered in Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco, 2001. This one still serves the Domination, but it's getting gray and threadbare.
- Conquered in Devils-Lake park of Baraboo, 2006. The Domination expects years of service.
After exercises, allies went home, as one might expect on a Sunday night from those who have to work on a Monday morning. The Dominator was therefore left at his campsite, with valuable seclusion for the primary mission: The Great Burning of Baraboo.
- Each camp site is, of course, equipped with a Fire Pit of Apocalypse. The Domination's Fire Pit provided the venue for the Great Burning.
- The camp store provided two small packets of firewood, for just over $3 apiece. (Local vendors outside the campground will charge the flat $3.) This was supplemented with a few leftover pieces of firewood from campers leaving their sites.
- The coalition partners recommended more wood. That might have been more fun, but two packets were enough.
- And so, after about two hours of careful feeding and frequent stirring (of the fire), and ingestion (by the Dominator) of the cooling liquid "Red-Dog" of Milwaukee, the Domination's sensitive papers were reduced to a fine gray ash. Thanks to the One Maker who commands all things, neither the Domination tent (now downwind due to freakish east wind) nor the nearby forest were burned.
- Afterward, the Dominator started up this operation journal (by flashlight), ate its survival rations (smoked mussels on a bun), and finished up its stockpile of nasty Swedish vodka so as to avoid "open container" violations on the way home.
Day 2: Monday 21 August 2006
Abe Lincoln slept here. Yada yada.
The Dominator slept here. Individual lodgings, cheap!
Domination day of rest. Earplugs obtained in Baraboo facilitated sleep until 9:30 am.
Broke camp at 11:30 am. Broke the tent too; its "bendable" struts finally snapped and ripped away from the surrounding cloth. The tent is no longer usable, but at least its packing is greatly simplified. The "Great Blade of Fredericksburg" Swiss Army knife was able to saw the 35 feet of struts into disposable portions. Campground dumpster provided storage.
Wisconsin River free ferry was conquered on back road #113, just for fun on the way back to the highway. Operational music "Pearly Queen", a.k.a. "I Couldn't Stop Myself from Having Fun".
Rest stop in Janesville on the way home. Today, Miracle the White Buffalo submits to the Domination!
- ... Well, no, she doesn't. According to a source at the Janesville town museum, Miracle has shed her white coat, and is now the standard buffalo color, brown. She is therefore no longer sacred to our First Nations, nor attractive to tourists. Her owner is relieved to no longer give tours. However, there's a new wave of albino buffalo miracle births out west...
- ... Thanks to the Lincoln-Tallman Restoration for this information. Its docent (a.k.a. "tour guide") was pleased to pass it along, as part of an $8 individual guided tour of the local historical house. Tours available on the hour, no matter how few tourists show up. Good thing, if one has to pay $8 for the privilege.
- The history of the house is the standard "Richest Man in Town" and "Abe Lincoln Slept Here" crossover story, complete with an anecdote about Abe Lincoln's boots. 'Nuff said.
- The uniqueness here is, the house doesn't keep things roped off. Instead, the tour guide makes you put on little blue booties at the door - and then you can walk anywhere in the house! If Mr. Lincoln had had these booties, he could have done that too. Social customs and all that.
- The house has four floors plus a tower room, and the Domination conquered them all. The tour guide was most cooperative.
In the Domination of Eiler, most of the vacations are so intense, they require a vacation to recover from. This vacation was no exception. Lake Geneva-Wisconsin chosen for the post-vacation recovery vacation.
- Lake Geneva Hotel chosen for barracks. Individual cottage for weekday bargain price! And a pool, which came in handy. About as far from the scenic lakefront as the hotels get... but that's what the newly-repaired NARF-Cycle is for.
- Nearby Champs sports bar chosen for mess hall, and occupied via NARF-Cycle. $1 bratwurst special on Monday night - but only after 6 pm, so watch the clock! Many beers on tap; "Blue Moon" chosen.
- Local historical society closed by then, of course. Open 10 am - 4 pm, except Tuesday and Wednesday. This, of course, is Monday after 4 pm - and the Domination expediton spent the weekend where the history museum is closed Sunday and Monday. You just can't win.
Day 3: Tuesday 22 August 2006
Domination of Eiler expeditionary force found the diner "Dilars-Restaurant" in Richmond-Illinois for country-style steak and eggs. Then went into rapid deployment mode, straight to work - which conveniently starts at noon. From Richmond, the Core Territories were less than an hour away.
The overriding objective of this operation was to burn stuff. This was done quite thoroughly. But the operation shows these other signs of success:
- Professional / personal alliances maintained, on the one day. Thanks for the campground and the banquet, guys; the Domination of Eiler owes you for that, and you know where to find its Minister of Money.
- Target of historic value subdued, on the other day.
- Some bike riding done. But not much. If the wimpy NARF-Cycle had been more worthy, there would have been more conquest. Now, the NARF-Cycle shall have to serve the Domination even more this coming winter.
- Some fine beer consumed. Also much cheap beer, suitable for campout.
- Some pulpy science fiction read. But not much.
- One trophy taken.
- One stick carved, just because one was brought along from the last operation.
The Domination will admit to these operational shortcomings, though:
- No new sticks conquered. Not even in a Wisconsin state forest. Damned place was like the Ho Chi Minh Trail.
- No work done on the Domination's fiction-blog August episode. Indeed, the episode doesn't even exist as of this writing.
- The Domination cyber-force couldn't even keep these real adventures up to date to share with the partners the next week! Sorry, guys, but being sociable and having no electricity, kind of cuts into the cyber-budget. (After much editing the following Friday night, now it's ready.)
Still, Domination of Eiler forces return triumphant as ever, all praise to the One Maker. The Domination shall have to arrange for more such weekends.
(signed) Dominator S. Eiler, Fist of the One Maker, for the Domination of Eiler.