Safe House

If the real world had superheroes... they'd probably be in safe houses most of the time! And so I have opportunity to find out, safe houses suck.

The U.S. Gov was using me as a superhuman agent last month. But I got into trouble in Basra, Iraq. So they're hiding me now, so as to confound the enemies of America. Unfortunately, the Gov seems to be at cross-purposes here. Besides, I'm no good at hiding.

• At first, the Gov sticks me in a Safe House run by one of their corporate vendors. But after a job action there, there's a line of people to be rebadged. I duck the line and go to martial arts training instead, but it's very metaphysical. More importantly, I'm kind of defeating the purpose of a safe house. (5 Jan 2006)
• So, I've been placed in a huge Safe Ranch House, run by the Gov itself. It's been carved out of affordable housing, in a tourist town that still gets government subsidies. Outside one door there's a lawn; out another, there's a crowded street with a brewpub that serves mint stout. The house can sleep 12 people; I may have roommates soon. So, I go out a lot, which kind of defeats the purpose of a safe house. (8 Jan 2006)
• They try to move me to a new Safe House, but other Gov regulations get in the way. I'm trying to board a plane, when security tells me I have to write two hundred-word essays, answering things they saw on my web pages. And they're closing up their office for the night. My sister's not surprised. (12 Jan 2006)
• Security people are always watching me. At a cafeteria, they swipe my pocket computer and throw it around. I catch it and show it to them, but I won't let them play with it. They make fun of how I dress too. There isn't always a lot of difference between bullies and cops. (26 Jan 2006)
• The Gov finally decides to remand me to a private industry Safe House (again) - but only to a company that is as anal about root cause inquisitions as they are. And the company wants to squeeze some free consulting work out of me...
• One night, my plane is about to leave when I get called from work about a missing file. The plane actually taxis to drop me off at the meeting. My new boss is surprised to see me on Saturday. So once again, I've defeated the purpose of a safe house (28 Jan 2006)

I eventually escape Gov storage. But sadly, I have to invoke "family visitation" rights - and thereby throw myself upon the dubious mercies of my relatives. They're as annoying as usual.

• Approaching I-69 to east Indy where my relatives are meeting, I go through a parade. Rednecks are annoyed, but one guy directs me to Pete's Wicked Brewpub which is opening for Sunday dinner. (1 Feb 2006)
• When I finally get where I'm going, I'm at a family reunion at a big ranch house. Yay, another ranch house. The family rented it. I have a room with two beds, TVs, and VCRs. Mom wants to ramble about how my car almost got stolen; the landlord wants to charge me for toilet paper. (1 Feb 2006)
• When I'm thirsty in the middle of the night I'd like some fruit juice, but it's all frozen concentrate. (2 Feb 2006)
• My belongings are disorganized, and so's my furniture; Mom just took the bed back. (2 Feb 2006)
• The house being no fun, I take the opportunity to visit the dentist. I have to cross town, my bike is falling apart, and all my glasses are broken. (2 Feb 2006)
• Back at the ranch house, I'm looking for something to drink with dinner. My sister says there might be one Sam Adams, but all I find is jugs of juice. Meanwhile, my brother's hooked on a new video game, and my aunts want us all to go walking. (3 Feb 2006)
• And when I whine about how bad things are, my brother is quick to remind me, I could be in prison instead. The Gov is usually not kind to undercover agents who screw up on missions and then can't stay undercover. (12 Feb 2006)
• So why are my relatives so interested in me? It seems they've decided to get the family corporation "The FERG" back together! They've decided to have two headquarters and share the leadership, which is fine for the two of them. That leaves one working-class position open, which of course would be for me. Oh well, I guess the world needs The FERG again.

It's a good thing I've gotten out of the Gov's Safe House system, and not just because it sucks. Vigilantes are starting to fight over it, and I think I recognize two of them (Bandolier and the White Knight... as if you'll recognize them) from my "old world". Which makes some sense.

• The Gov's been recruiting us "Old Worlders", because most of us have some vestigial superhuman powers still.
• Bandolier has more powers than most, because his power was heavy weaponry.
• The White Knight seems to get power from somewhere else entirely.
• Apparently, some of us apparently have some grudges left over.

There may be some other excitement soon. When I moved out of the last Safe House, aliens were wandering the yards nearby, dressed in Powernaut capes because they think it's standard clothing for Earthling peace officers, saying something about a quarantine. Things might be about to get interesting. (31 Jan 2006)