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Domination of Eiler

The Blog of Domination #9

Other Blogs: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.

"Blog" is short for "Web log". Which is to say, an online diary.

There are occasions where Domination conquests or other incidents inside its Core Territories are particularly worthy of note. There are other occasions on which the Domination wishes to address its public. For these occasions, the Domination has established a web log.

Like most blogs, the most recent episodes come first. Not quite like storytelling, eh?

June - April 2007

Previous: March - February 2007 January 2007 - December 2006 November - September 2006 August - June 2006 May - April 2006 March 2006 - October 2005 September - June 2005 May - February 2005
Hooray for World Domination!

What Is the Domination of Eiler?

In one sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a political entity modeled upon the Holy Roman Empire. Which is to say, it works through national and local political entities, but transcends nation-state boundaries. You may already be a citizen without knowing it!

In another sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a pen name for an amateur but very prolific web journalist. Perhaps you may enjoy these writings, given this simple guide:

  • The Domination of Eiler is led by, of course, the Dominator.
  • Its chief military force, and bodyguard of the Dominator, is the Domination Guard.
  • The Domination's world headquarters was recently relocated to Lansing-Michigan.
  • In This Episode:

    21 June 2007

    The Official Fitness Nutrition Provider
    Who says exercise and fried chicken wings don't go together? One gym says they do - and so does Hooters!

    Last month, the Domination of Eiler declared the Go Workout gym of South Lansing-Michigan as its provider for structured exercise. This week, Go Workout of South Lansing declared the nearest Hooters as its provider for sports nutrition! By extension, Hooters is tonight the official sports nutrition provider of the Domination of Eiler.

    For a limited time only, one can go workout, stroll next door to Hooters (as the Dominator often does anyway), present the gym membership card, and get 20 chicken wings for the price of 10. Now that's sports nutrition, Domination style. But the Dominator's Chief Nutritionist advises, save some wings for lunch.

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    14 June 2007

    Occupation Bulletin
    The Domination's cyber-peacekeeping mission based in Lansing-Michigan could go on for a while. Years instead of months, that is.

    The Domination of Eiler's cyber-regime overthrow effort is going about as expected. Having spent two months revisiting old code, the work is once again about 75% done. And the allies are starting to catch up; some of them can now claim 20%.

    The Domination has been placed on notice that its peacekeeping mission could be extended - another year. The allies in the Earth Domination Society have now expressed intent to extend the Domination Guard's mercenary contract through June... 2008.

    The Dominator expected some sort of extension of the mission, but not on this scale. His first reaction was to check how many years away 2008 was. His second reaction was to ask, "What have I done to you that you should trap me here?" Fortunately for the client relations, he indulged his first reaction but not his second.

    When the occupation measures in years instead of months, the mission may change in subtle ways... as military forces throughout the world have learned. For this Domination mission, more support may have to be drawn from local staff (for matters such as dentistry), and more stuff may have to come out of storage. Fortunately, the new Great Hall of Eiler can accomodate it all if need be, and still allow the Dominator to live in comfort indefinitely. And if need be, the continent of North Eilerania can wait another year to submit to the Dominator in person. All Hail the Domination!

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    8 June 2007

    The Soundtrack of Summer
    Various factions within the District of Dominance have their own ideas what music goes best with life this June. But the Domination of Eiler is enforcing its own preference.

    Previously the Domination of Eiler reported, it mobilized only "Eighth Best" music for the Tres de Mayo weekend. This was by choice, because "Best" is always available. And now this music has been reinforced by "Second Best", combined onto one storage medium, and unleashed upon the world.

    The technology of the Conquering Cell Phone has long been able to play fifteen hours of Domination-grade MP3-format music at one time. Now it's been upgraded to thirty hours, as the Domination's summer offensive expands to the cyber-technology front. And the Conquering Cell Phone now encourages the troops to rate each song on a scale of 1 to 5 stars.

    In honor of this upgrade, the Domination Guard has been sent into battle with best music all week. The allies at the engineering facility have already noticed how mighty the Domination's best music is, when the orchestral Call of Ktulu by Metallica somehow leaked out of the Domination's eartight headphones. Sorry, everyone, the Domination of Eiler will look into extra sonic shielding for those occasions when the loudest bands are at their absolute loudest.

    In the Dominator's new favored gym, they have their own idea of "best" music. This usually involves anything the instructor likes, often without any continuity or relevance of beat to the exercise. So why bother having music at all?

    The music at the gym is actually better than most gyms, but still not up to Domination standards. Having rated the Domination's best music all week, the Domination of Eiler is ready to publish its standards.

    1. (lowest) The crap that most aerobics teachers and most pop music stations play.
    2. The very best stuff in aerobics classes. The average stuff on an average Domination-grade album mixed by other people. But if it's only that good, it's not good enough to deserve to be on a Domination of Eiler music mix.
    3. The best stuff on an average Domination-grade album. The average stuff when the Domination of Eiler makes a music mix. Only three stars of five may seem cruel for such good music, but it's still better than 90% of the Dominator's music collection, and than 99% of what's out there.
    4. The best music in the world. For example, this month, "June" by Camper van Beethoven. Or most anything from the good albums by Pink Floyd.
    5. (highest) The best music in the world, performed in a once-in-a-lifetime manner, such that the Dominator will move heaven and earth to hear it in person if he knows it's coming. Only three songs qualify for this rating so far:
      • The orchestral Call of Ktulu, by Metallica with the San Francisco Symphony Orchestra.
      • Another Brick in the Wall Part 3, by Roger Waters and the Bleeding Heart Band, with the East Berlin Radio Symphony Orchestra, performed at the Berlin Wall in 1990 with East and West German soldiers on stage, and the Dominator himself in attendance because he got some advance warning.
      • The Concerto for Group and Orchestra Part 3, 30th Anniversary edition of 1999 with upgrades, by Deep Purple with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.
      • Update: The Celebration of the Lizard, by the Doors live in concert, makes the list. So does the climax of George Harrison's Concert for Bangla Desh.
      • Almost: Precious Things, performed by Tori Amos with an electric backing band, is an almost once-in-a-lifetime performance of some of the world's best music.
      • Almost: Folsom Prison Blues, performed by Johnny Cash inside the Folsom Texas State Prison, is the best country music ever. It's five-star if you're a country music fan.

    It may be noted that the Deep Purple entry comes from among the "Eighth Best" music. This is because the Domination's rating system is based on band, not song.

    • Most of the great music of the 1960s is rated "Sixth Best", because most bands of the 1960s did not show the longevity the Domination requires of its absolute best bands.
    • On occasion, the Domination opens the system to good individual albums. Many such are considered "Fourth Best".
    • "Best" and "Second Best" were combined for the first time on this one storage medium. The line between those was a matter of convenience to get a good mix of music on the previous storage media, and is not intended to imply that Alice Cooper is actually superior to Pink Floyd, as might otherwise be implied by looking at the Domination's ratings. "Third Best" might be another matter, though.
    • A song may get a "bump" from being especially relevant to the Dominator on a personal level. This is not to imply that (for instance) "O Death" by Camper van Beethoven is intrinsically superior to other Camper van Beethoven songs; the Dominator just likes the topic.

    It's great fun to have all this music in one collection. For instance, it holds two different songs named "One" (without resorting to Three Dog Night's song which is part of the "Ninth Best" collection), and three different songs named "Lullaby" or "Lullabye".

    All Hail the Domination - and rock on!

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    27 May 2007

    Making It in Michigan
    The summer offensive of the Domination of Eiler is underway, on multiple fronts. The State of Michigan stands to submit - and to benefit.
    Michigan and the Domination of Eiler

    The State of Michigan is suffering its own Great Depression, therefore pathetically eager to attract new business and professional workers. Now it's attracted the Domination of Eiler.

    Three months ago, the Domination of Eiler first moved in to dominate Lansing-Michigan. It's been scouting the area ever since. Now the Domination reinforces its presence.

    This is shortly after the first anniversary of the Day of Glory. In accordance of the Domination holiday custom for that day, a life change is in order.

    It's time for the summer offensive, on multiple fronts.

    • The Professional Front #1. The engineering allies of the Domination of Eiler seem to truly appreciate the presence of the Domination's forces, because a trooper of the Domination Guard can do the job of three normal troopers. An extension to the current alliance is therefore entirely possible.
    • The Professional Front #2. Being fully-employed, the Technical Directorate of the Domination of Eiler (a.k.a. Eiler Technical Enterprises) is busy fending off prospective small-business customers who actually pay attention when someone hands them a business card in a bar. The Domination has already referred two such customers on to other providers. But this bodes well for further Domination.
    • The Residential Front. Given the long-term prospects here, the Domination of Eiler is investing some effort in the neighborhood. On Saturday 26 May 2007, the Dominator took possession of long-term living quarters in South Lansing-Michigan, in a neighborhood where the primary menace is not junkies, it's how loud the birds are when they chirp in the morning.
      Put It All Together, It Spells Mom
      M is for the Many things her famlee left us.
      • Inside, the house has a "patched" look. According to the landlord, previous tenants were abusive to the point of stealing the landlord's stereo from his car.
      • Before that, the house was reportedly a church! (The Domination has now investigated and confirmed this. Much of the Web still thinks there's a church there.)
      • Previous occupants also left a stockpile of surprises in the basement, including half a bag of solid concrete, an old lease which indicates Lansing-Michigan property values have fallen 30% in two years, and a photo of a scowling fat woman in a halter top, labeled "Mom". Aww, famlee.
      • But overall, the quarters are Domination-grade, and show great potential for inviting friends and allies over. Construction of a Great Hall of Eiler is underway.
    • The Fitness Front. Earlier this month, the Dominator arranged for regular calisthentics for its Guard force. Exercises are currently tending towards realistic martial arts, not toward the silly aerobics simulation of same.
    • The Religious Front. After three months of deliberation, the Dominator sent his choral force to reinforce a selected local church choir... one week before that choir shut down for the summer. Oh well, it's still a good way of saying Hello to the church.
      • The choir director's already arranged to have the Domination Guard sing in a men's quartet for Father's Day. Asking the Domination of Eiler to support Father's Day is about as appropriate as asking its forces to march in a U.S. veterans' parade, but oh well.
      • Coincidentally, they're Baptists. Which is to say, renegades from the Puritan-derived church the Domination of Eiler supported in Massachusetts. Which in turn consists of renegades from the Anglican-derived church the Domination of Eiler supported in Illinois. Another fine example of how the Domination of Eiler does not care about church history.
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    10 May 2007

    Lansing/East Lansing vs. Scumburg/Palatine vs. ...
    The Domination's Core Territories have certain things in common. And a state visit between two of them is underway.
    The District of Dominance in Michigan
    The Core Territories of Illinois
    The Core Territories of Michigan, currently serving as the District of Dominance. Small, but ever growing.
    The Core Territories of Illinois. For five years, home of much dominance.

    On this day, the Dominator begins a state visit from his Core Territories of Michigan to his Core Territories of Illinois. Ceremonies are planned.

    • Also, some changing of expeditionary equipment as befits the seasons. For example, it's time to put the winter clothes in storage.
    • Also, some lounging in various hotel rooms with air conditioner and cable TV.
    • Also, some enjoying how early the good TV shows come on in the Central Time zone, and some whining about how early the sun sets there.
    • No swimming pool at the target, but that's no big loss; they're all infested with larval-humans on the weekend anyway. Some pools are being conquered on the way, though.

    This seems a good occasion to publish the Dominator's notes on how his Core Territories tend to be (somewhat) alike. And so it has been done... on a separate page. As often happens recently, the Dominator's random musings on life have outgrown the web log.

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    5 May 2007

    Free Comic Book Day 2007
    And an update on Tres de Mayo weekend.

    The Domination's weekend plans have had some hitches, but are still proceeding well.

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    2 May 2007

    Tres de Mayo Schedule, 2007
    Several days of festivities for the Dominator's ceremonial birthday.

    Holiday checklist:

    • Dressing up in the best clothes from the thrift store. On track. Due to lengthy alliance with "Sparrow's-Nest", almost all the Dominator's finest clothes come from a thrift store.
    • Listening to especially good loud music all day. On track. Due to previously having ripped seven GB of music onto portable media that fits easily in a pants pocket, the CDs available are eighth best. But that's good enough. Inspiral Carpets and Triumvirat will lead the assault this year.
    • Creating web pages. Partial. The Domination forces are all caught up on web pages right now. So far, this web entry (yes, the one you're looking at, citizen) will have to do.
    • A nice dinner for the Domination forces. Check. Five days of dinner are underway.
      • Dos de Mayo preliminaries at hotel bar of local Clarion hotel, conveniently near the MSU farms of Southeast Lansing. Michigan State University is an agricultural college and is mostly farms.
        • This area is well described as an "Empty Quarter of Greater Lansing". Not the Empty Quarter, because Lansing has more than one. If you go five miles from downtown in any but three directions (East Lansing, South Lansing, or West Lansing), it's all empty.
        • Hotel has been here since at least 1983. Patrons can tell stories about how run down it is.
        • It gets investigation tonight because hotel is going condo. $50,000 will get you your own room rent-free, aside from $400/month in condo fees. Good luck with that business plan.
      • For Tres de Mayo, the likely venue is Hooters. Hey, at least it's friendly.
      • Good dinner is likely for Quatro de Mayo, at nightclub "Cadillac Club".
      • Cinco de Mayo is Free Comic Book Day. Luncheon will be arranged somewhere among the five comic book stores of Lansing and East Lansing.
      • Seis de Mayo is Sunday dinner with a friend from out of town.
    • Cupcakes for representative citizens. On track. Good thing the Dominator's bodyguard checked this item on Dos de Mayo.
    • Something new for this year: Fitness. On track. Good thing, too; the Dominator's gained ten pounds since coming to town, what with dinners and cupcakes and all. A free pass for a week has been arranged at a fancy gym near the Hooters in South Lansing.
      • We'll see how well this works out, because they specialize in stationary bike classes, often scheduled on lovely nights for riding a real bicycle.
      • But Tres de Mayo dinner will be preceded by a kickboxing class!
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    22 April 2007

    Hospitality Law of the Domination
    To those whom much is given, from them much is expected.

    There are some places on Earth which are so well-known for their hospitality, that if you come to their town and don't let someone put you up for the night, the townsfolk will hunt you down at your campsite and stone you to death. The Domination of Eiler is not one of those places, but its forces have had opportunity lately to test the kindness of strangers.

    So the Domination has some new standards for hospitality. This is likely to be such an important and evolving topic, it's been published separately.

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    10 April 2007

    The Domination of Eiler hereby enters the self-help industry.

    The Dominator has noted a lack of useful advice from its citizen self-help gurus. The problem seems to be, these gurus are not nearly as well-grounded in reality as the Domination of Eiler is.

    Of course, anyone can criticize someone else's work, but they can't necessarily improve upon it. And the Domination is here to dominate, not criticize. Therefore the Dominator feels the urge to reveal his own motivational secrets for the good of his citizens.

    1. Even Dominators have commanders above them. The Domination of Eiler is modeled upon the medieval Holy Roman Empire. The Emperors were supreme political authorities on Earth (as far as they could enforce), but still subject to the Kingdom of Heaven.
    2. Everyone can dominate something. We can't all be the Dominator, of course, any more than everyone could be the Emperor. But the Holy Roman Empire had niches for local rulers, and so does the Domination of Eiler. For instance, the Dominator's not inclined to personally make all the children behave; that's what mommies and daddies are for.
    3. When you dominate something, you have to defend it. The best Emperors were defenders of all the faithful. All rulers have someone to defend, even if it's just the people in your house.
    4. Everyone can be of value. In the days of the Holy Roman Empire, the Emperor would call upon his vassals to join him in campaign, and treat them as honored allies. The Domination of Eiler does likewise.

    By these rules, everyone is worth something as long as they embrace their true mission in life: the support of the Domination of Eiler, and the organization and defense of its citizens.

    Are you motivated yet?

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    9 April 2007

    Embrace My Magnificence
    There are books which give instructions to boost your self-esteem. Fortunately the Dominator doesn't need them, because they're wrong anyway. Featuring the Dominator's Li'l Pals, Dufus and Dom!

    Within the Domination of Eiler, there has been some concern that children today are getting so much self-esteem, they'll be dysfunctional when they grow up. Experts have responded, by training adults to have that much self-esteem too.

    The Dominator has recently been exposed to a famous self-help book called "The Secret", by one Rhonda Byrne. He skipped right to the climax.

    The earth turns on its orbit for You. The oceans ebb and flow for You. The birds sing for You. The sun rises and it sets for You. The stars come out for You. Every beautiful thing you see, every wondrous thing you experience, is all there, for You. None of it can exist, without You. You are the master of the Universe. You are the heir to the kingdom. You are the perfection of Life. And now you know The Secret.

    The time to embrace your magnificence is now.

    This is an interesting philosophy, but it is built upon fallacies.

    • Here in the Domination of Eiler, the Dominator has already embraced the magnificence of himself and his Domination. Though his role as Fist of the One Maker does not put him in the line of succession for the Kingdom of Heaven, it gives him some rank there. But even the Dominator is not the perfection of life, the Earth doesn't turn on its axis for him, and he'll master the universe the old-fashioned way, one conquest at a time.
    • As the Fist of the One Maker, the Dominator would now like to instruct his citizens in the proper use of certain proper nouns. "Earth", "Sun", and "the Kingdom" are to be regarded and capitalized. "You" is not.
    • But the most important fallacy here is, the Universe does not present gifts according to any secret script. At least not the gifts that most people wish for.
    Dufus Sez: My positive attitude will attract world domination to me. Dom Says: My dominating the world will attract world domination to me!

    The Domination of Eiler has already revealed The Secret to its citizens. Basically, the Secret is that you can wish for prosperity and get it. This is hardly a secret; magic-users have believed this for millennia. So has everyone who's ever prayed for something.

    Still, as a public service to its citizens, the Domination recently investigated this wish-fulfillment power.

    • It actually worked spectacularly, but only because the Domination had two different backup plans.
    • A secondary objective of the investigation was for ways to defeat global warming, because the Dominator's unharnessed wish-fulfillment power was apparently keeping coldness away from his Districts of Dominance.
      • Judging purely from the snowfall tonight, the Dominator's wish for no snow has successfully been restrained, so as to cover vehicles with snow in the Core Territories. Impressive, since Easter was yesterday.
      • But the Domination's Near-Arctic Readiness Force still rides under these conditions. So the Dominator and his citizens are happy.

    So the Domination of Eiler must now announce: The Universe may give gifts, but it's still not like Santa Claus. It's best you just live with what the Universe gives you... or else go out to conquer it, like the Dominator does.

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    5 April 2007

    Four-Mile March
    If ever the Dominator can't walk four miles, he'll get a cane and walk it anyway... starting today.

    A combination of near-arctic conditions and a scheduled late arrival and departure from work, led today to the Dominator calling off bike season. But it's still walking season. And EilerBase Lansing is conveniently just two miles from work. So the Dominator walked.

    Due to the Domination force doctrine of deploying close to work, there are very few long-term workplaces that the Domination has not conquered on foot. That list in its entirety is:

    • Westboro-Massachusetts. Not since before 1983 has Westboro had affordable housing close to workplaces.

    The conquered workplaces (and their distances from the nearest EilerBase, rounded to the nearest half-mile) include:

    • Sudbury-Massachusetts. 0.5 mile.
    • Cambridge-Massachusetts. 0.5 mile.
    • Newton-Massachusetts. 0.5 mile.
    • Marlboro-Massachusetts. 1.5 mile.
    • Freehold-New Jersey. 1 mile.
    • Hudson-Massachusetts. 1.5 mile.
    • Hoffman Estates-Illinois. 1 mile. (Early EilerBase at hotel. Later EilerBase was a refreshing 5.5-mile bike ride.)
    • Palatine-Illinois. 1 mile.

    And now Lansing-Michigan, 2 miles from EilerBase. People in Lansing walk a lot more than in those other places, because a lot of them can't afford cars. Now, the Dominator fits right in.

    But the Dominator's not as young as he used to be. After the first 1.5 miles or so, his arthritic knee was happy he had a walking stick to lean upon.

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