For the convenience of its reading citizenship, the Domination of Eiler here presents several years' worth of December holiday journals, condensed into one.
What Is the Domination of Eiler?In one sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a political entity modeled upon the Holy Roman Empire of medieval Europe. Which is to say, it claims every place where its leader has established his presence. It works through national and local political entities, but transcends nation-state boundaries. You may already be a citizen without knowing it! In another sense, "The Domination of Eiler" is a pen name for an amateur but very prolific web journalist. Perhaps you may enjoy these writings, given this simple guide:
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It seems obvious to Domination analysts, that the holiday season commonly known as "Christmas" consists of several individual holidays in sequence:
The Domination refers to this collection of December holidays as "Xmas".
The Christian holiday of the Winter Solstice was derived from a Roman holiday of the same season, called "Saturnalia". The Roman holiday's name still survives in the English language, as an alternative word for "really big party".
The Domination of Eiler honors this tradition of Western civilization, by enthusiastically supporting the holiday of Partymas, and extending it to people of all faiths.
The Domination also observes the ancient ritual of putting up bright shiny lights to banish the encroaching darkness. In fact, that's one of the three best things about the holiday.
The Domination choral force also sings popular secular holiday carols in honor of the season. However, the Domination of Eiler wording of these carols differs slightly from popular usage.
| Popular Usage | Domination Usage |
| Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas | Find Yourself a Mighty Domination |
| We Wish You A Merry Christmas | Submit to the Domination |
| Deck the Halls | Deck the Halls With Domination |
| Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer | All Hail the Domination |
| I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas | I'm Dreaming of a Dark Flower (see Darkflower III Operation Journal) |
| It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas | It's Beginning to Be a Thrift Store Christmas |
| Have a Holly Jolly Christmas | Have a Spanker Wanker Christmas |
| Santa Baby (Hurry Down the Chimney Tonight) | Heinous Anus, Shooting Down the Sewer Tonight |
| Walking in a Winter Wonderland | Working at a Tasty Maggot Farm |
| The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) | Maggots Feasting on an Open Sore |
| Jingle Bell Rock | Jingle Bell Death |
| Santa Claus is Coming to Town | Santa Claus is DEAD (see Appendix) |
| Jingle Bells | Kankakee (see Appendix) |
| Frosty the Snowman | Maggots the Snowman (see Appendix) |
In the Domination, Xmas always used to result in an invocation of the Eiler Doctrine. Travelmas was therefore always observed. As of 2009, though, the Dominator had started building his own Household of Dominance. It may therefore be that Travelmas will be avoided in future.
Most years, the Domination observes an abbreviated Travelmas ritual, lasting only three hours each direction. The Eiler-clan installation closest to Domination world headquarters is always the target for these rituals. The abbreviated ritual is typically performed Giftmas morning, so as to allow Christmas Eve observance in the Core Territories.
However, in years evenly divisible by 3, the Dominator gets the urge to visit his more distant relatives, and more importantly, spend a day in precious seclusion before and after. (Seclusion would be the third and final best thing about the holiday.) To avoid airline horror stories, the Domination Train is employed on these occasions.
Christmas is always an occasion for Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance. This is always observed on Christmas Eve, because even the most enthusiastic Christians will practically always set the entire next day aside for Giftmas Day observance.
When the Dominator has not already observed Travelmas, Christmas observance occurs in the Core Territories, alongside Domination coalition partners. The coalition fields a combined Domination choral force on these occasions.
When Christmas is observed outside the Core Territories, the associate-Eiler local church serves as the venue. The Domination Guard choral force always makes itself available for exercises alongside Domination militia.
The Domination observes time restrictions on its Kingdom-of-Heaven obeisance on Christmas. In particular, the Domination has never observed a midnight Christ Mass in its history.
Giftmas is an unavoidable part of each Eiler Doctrine intervention in December. Therefore, some sort of ritual giving is mandated.
Domination analysts have indicated, the following ritual is observed among Domination gift-recipients:
As such, the Domination has implemented the following gift-giving strategy.
Analysis by origin of Dominator-gift:
The Domination is familiar with many individuals who think that all Christian ritual is a plot by the One Maker against humanity.
But history shows, whenever a ritual develops, it's because there's a demand for it among humans. The evolution of the original Christian solstice holiday into the modern Xmas, is just another step in the growth of rituals upon human demand. So don't blame the Maker.
The Domination does not mandate the observance of any holiday by its citizens. In short, the Domination recommends, if you don't like a particular part of Xmas, feel free to skip it. Perhaps someday, the Dominator will put the Eiler Doctrine aside for the holidays and do likewise.
Welcome to the rude Xmas Carol lyrics of the Domination of Eiler, citizen. The Domination strikes back against two months of Xmas music in retail stores, with these altered versions of Xmas carols. All Hail the Domination!
You better watch out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is DEAD!
They're stacking up chairs, they're closing the mall,
You wanna know why, I'm telling you all,
Santa Claus is DEAD!
He's got a gift for maggots, it don't come from no elf,
It's wrapped up in a casket, 'cause it's Santa's own dead self!
He used to keep track who's naughty and nice,
But now he is just attracting the flies!
Santa Claus is DEAD!
He's dead if you are sleeping, he's dead if you're awake,
He's dead if you've been bad or good, so let's have a Christmas wake!
You better watch out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is DEAD!
Marching on toward Death,
Across the land I go,
Defying all the wind,
And the coldness and the snow.
I've come to Kankakee,
Because I am perverse.
You may think it's bad,
But trust me, I've seen worse.
Oh,
Kankakee, Kankakee,
Holiday delight,
If I weren't in Kankakee
I'd be in Joliet tonight!
Kankakee, Kankakee,
Heaven brought me here,
'Cause all I need from Kankakee
Is dinner and some beer!
Maggots the Snowman
Was a jolly happy chap,
With a corn cob pipe and a button nose
And some hair made out of crap!
Maggots the Snowman,
You won't believe it's true,
But there are children who will build
Their snowmen crowned with poo!
There must have been some maggots
In that crock of shit they found,
'Cause when they dumped it on his head,
It began to dance around!
Maggots the Snowman,
He started out just dead,
But now he's as alive
as you and me, just on his head!
Slippity slop slop, slippety slop slop,
Look at Maggots go,
Slippity slop slop, slippety slop slop,
Down to the sewers below.