DominationFest
I've become the sponsor of a street fair... in Wisconsin, near the alien Jellyfish country!
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David the Jellyfish has appointed himself his species' ambassador to humanity. Many of his species are scattered among the lakes of northern Wisconsin and Minnesota, and he's trying to reunite them... under non-warlike conditions.
- And he's getting his species to adopt Biblical names like he did, so as to "blend in" with a reference to ancient Earthling Judean cultural imperialism thrown in.
The Jellyfish came to Earth to dominate with mind control; they mostly landed in the Great Lakes of North America, and started subtly dominating Chicago. The first thing that stopped them, was the first annual set of Silly Days Parades... which I organized.
David has taken note of this successful human strategy to resist domination, and his species is adapting to it. They now think, if they're going to thrive among humanity, they need to throw parties. Well, I think they're about to conquer me.
The Jellyfish have chosen Mount Senario College in Ladysmith, Wisconsin, as their party venue. It has the advantages of:
- Being close to the Land of Lakes and Jellyfish.
- Being close to interstate highways.
- Having dormitories for housing of visitors, plus a gymnasium to put bunks in. The Jellyfish consider camping disorderly, and not to be done at parties.
- Being defunct; the college closed last year. David's about ready to move his embassy there.
And the Jellyfish have asked me to be their party organizer!
- Well, I did organize those parades that first defeated them. And I don't hold a grudge.
- And hey, it's another job for my Freedom Engineering Relations Group... with practically no limit on expenses.
Unfortunately, some of my friends still hold grudges.
- In particular, my friend Kristi the Panther Girl is having nothing more to do with Jellyfish ever again. She's going down to Tierra del Fuego to help people investigate molluscs... just to put as much space between herself and the Jellyfish party as possible.
- Most of our paintball militia friends feel the same way as Kristi does, though they can't afford the Antarctic cruise. Oh well, more party for me.
- But the ones who don't hold a grudge, I've hired as security! It helps them out with financial problems, it helps the Jellyfish out with crowd control, and it helps me out with insight into the people most likely to break up a Jellyfish event.
Despite old grudges, the party turns out to be a real blowout! The "Evil Minions" parade of last year was so successful, we're building on that. We're even calling it "DominationFest!"
I, of course, personally make sure the beer tents are open at 10:30 am. We've got some freelance liquor vendors who work from contributions... and I make a point of contributing. Hey, everyone can stagger to bed in the dorms. But the guests aren't disorderly. Hooray, Jellyfish mind control!
And we've gotten Phish and the remnants of the Grateful Dead to play. And there's Wishbone Ash and the Blue Oyster Cult, who'll both play practically anywhere just for the fun of it. And there's also the Crawling King Squid, who helped me lead a drum and bugle corps last year. He's a real hit now.
In short, it's strange visitors from another planet, mingling with gentle freaky humanity at its finest. Which is good for the Jellyfish; up until now, they've always seemed to mingle with the human fanatic and/or criminal element.
And it's good to see the gentle freaks mobilizing, what with Orrin Hatch being the Republican contender for the Presidency this year. Thank you so very much for caring about traditional family structure, the Senator from Utah. What's your stand on polygamy?
Whatever happens, I think I'll have to sponsor DominationFest again next year. (15 July 2004)
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In the Wake of Magellan
While I'm partying, the news gets bad on the other side of the world. And in a roundabout way, it might be my fault.
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A superhuman named Ellipsis has been chipping away at the fringes of Western democratic power structures for years now. He's done mostly Arctic regions so far, but now he has an Antarctic peace plan.
I have to admit, the world could actually use an Antarctic peace plan, more than most people might think.
- Antarctica is supposed to be demilitarized... but, for instance, the United States keeps a large Air Force base at McMurdo Sound.
- And nations do fight over the approaches to Antarctica. Remember, the Falklands War? Argentina, Chile, and Great Britain still all claim the pointy bit of Antarctica.
The peace plan depends on Argentina, Chile, and Great Britain simultaneously granting independence, or at least autonomy, to all their territories south of the 40th parallel, namely, Patagonia, Araucania, and the Falkland Islands. But there are these small problems:
- The Falklands are pretty damn autonomous already, and they genuinely like being British.
- Araucania (that is, southern Chile) is pretty damn content with the rest of Chile.
- For about two years in the 1870s there was a Kingdom of Araucania and Patagonia, led by some Frenchman who talked the natives into it. You can see it on any Web list of micronations.
- But the Araucanian natives got conquered in the 1880s, about the same time the indigineous people of Montana, USA, got the same treatment. (Apparently, Patagonians weren't even involved in the Kingdom, despite having their own treatment at the time.)
- So there's no significant native independence movement. They don't even call it Araucania any more, it's mostly the Province of Magellan (named, of course, after the Spaniard who discovered the place) and Chilean Antarctic.
- Southern Chile is plenty isolated; Chilean roads don't go there, except by way of Argentina. Lots of renegade Nazis settled there after World War II. But nowadays, malcontent militiamen (such as my old enemies the Heid-Ketzel Temple) are the major immigrants. And they remain undisturbed there. So there's no significant immigrant independence movement.
- Patagonia, on the other hand, is pretty eager to break off from Argentina. It's got its geographic share of the nation's resources, and only 5% of the population. So, they'd love to deal with their capital city on their own terms. When offered the opportunity, extra parts of Argentina signed up for independence!
- Patagonia has no more authentic natives remaining than Araucania or Montana do, for all the same reasons.
- The difference is, Patagonia is mostly an overgrazed desert now, and the ranchers who overgrazed it are blaming their Gov, the foreigners who buy their product and now their ranches, and everyone else except themselves.
- But all of the national governments involved, are fond of these lands. Official national maps of Chile and Argentina both include their Antarctic slice - which is the same slice. It's like the ultimate penis extender to them.
- As for the southern tip of the penis... Chile and Argentina have literally split the island of Tierra del Fuego down the middle, but the situation is still kind of tense there. For instance, if you want to go hiking there, you can't find good maps; they're all classified.
But still, Ellipsis brokered a peace plan, establishing the Free Territories of Magellan, Patagonia, and Falkland. It must have taken a lot of mutant mind control.
- Yeah, I know Ellipsis doesn't claim mind control power... but he's said to be practically hypnotic in person.
- But, as most Argentine presidents know, it takes a lot more than personality to overcome what the Argentine military wants.
It was all supposed to happen this month. Which is the height of winter down there, so less interest in the region than usual. Which is probably a good thing.
But then something happened to disrupt the process. I happen to know, Ellipsis was kind of preoccupied last month, when a commando invaded his compound. And I did my own bit to take up the attention of Ellipsis afterwards. But anyway...
The mutual Declarations of Independence were coolly and calculatedly scheduled for Bastille Day in France, because it seemed more sympathetic than Greenland Day (which is to say, the Summer Solstice there), Canada Day, or the Fourth of July. And it gave some extra time for paperwork.
But on Patagonian Independence Day, the Patagonian separatists nationalized the whole country! Including a bunch of sheep ranches that a big Italian clothing company owns (perhaps you've heard of Benetton?), and a bunch of resorts that Hollywood actors own. The Patagonians wanted Patagonia for Patagonians "born and raised", after all. "Nacido Y Criado", that is, which was their battle cry.
In response, the Argentine military took control of everything they could grab in Patagonia, in the name of world security! In addition, they left the Falklands alone this time, but they sent forces against the Free Territory of Magellan in Chile, to grab the two main cities plus the bridge to Tierra del Fuego!
Of course the Chileans were expecting something like this. So it's full war, albeit mostly with commando forces because it's Antarctic winter.
The Argentine rear areas in Patagonia aren't too happy about this. Neither are the United Nations; they say the superhumans of the Paxis Directorate might intervene. In short, it'll make one hell of a war game some day, if war game manufacturers ever figure out how to account for super soldiers on a strategic scale.
And it seems, once again, it's partially my fault, because I helped distract Ellipsis when he could have been keeping the lid on things. And I'd do it all over again, because Ellipsis is kind of an asshole who does not bother to consult me when he starts an international power play.
People keep telling me I have to accept my personal responsibility in the state of the world, as do we all. But if I were to take these people seriously, I'd be personally responsible for practically everything. (14 July 2004)
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